|Havana Wild Weekend||
- Kirk: Okay, voltures... uh... Okay, um...
- H. K. Duff: Forget it! I'm out.
- Kirk: Uh... Vultures, almost every kid wears a retainer, and that is not cool! (shows Milhouse's braces) But this retainer is a de-lamer. As it turns this grill from blah to bling! (puts a golden retainer on his mouth with "MILHOUSE" written on it)
- Simpson family: Ooh!
- Homer: Oh Now that's a Milhouse I'd marry!
- The Rich Texan: Kirk, when I started digging for oil, I came up dry for twelve years! Then I had my yee-haw moment and realized I needed to drill in Texas instead of my home state of New Hampshire.
- Lindsey Naegle: Well, I'm very interested. I'll offer you three hours of my precious time for ninety of your company. Too late! Ninety five.
- Kirk: (whispering to Milhouse) We're not gonna do any better than that.
- Milhouse: I don't know, Dad.
- Kirk: Of course you don't know. You're just a kid!
- Milhouse: I may be a kid, but this was my idea!
- Kirk: Hey, you need a ride home, don't you?
- Mr. Burns: We've heard enough. (activates a trapdoor)
- Kirk: (yelling while falling on a pit) Thank you for the opportunity!
- Homer: (laughs) I love seeing people I know fail! (giggles) Do you want a beer, son? Uh!? There's a stain! Did that dumb dog pee on the rug?
- Lisa: Dad, it's not fair to blame the dog. Blame the dumb animal who's supposed to walk him: Bart!
- Bart: I did walk him. Didn't I, boy? (Santa's Little Helper starts chewing his own leg)
- Homer: Chewing your leg is not a yes, I learned that in a real estate deal.
- Grampa: Oh, it wasn't the dog. I went on the rug. (the family gasps)
- Marge: Grampa, is everything all right?
- Grampa: I'm eighty six years old and I'm falling apart like toast in a dishwasher.
- Marge: Oh, you poor man. Sit down here and relax! (puts a newspaper under Grampa's place on the couch)
- Homer: Geez Dad, you really have lost a step. Can't you at least enjoy Shark Tank? I mean, Vulture's Nest?
- Marge: Grampa, don't worry. We're paying the finest nursing home in town. They'll know what to do!
- Retirement Castle receptionist: We have no idea what to do. We specialize in keeping seniors from bothering their families, then gently releasing them just before death. God bless, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer: I've been paying you off and on for years and there's no way you can help?
- Retirement Castle receptionist: We do offer free transportation to the next stage.
- Chief Wiggum: That's shameful, shoving poor old people out on the street. This place is for the mentally ill! (releases the Crazy Cat Lady from the back of the police cruiser)
- Crazy Cat Lady: (gibberish) Hey! What are you...
- Chief Wiggum: Uh... Get better! (drives away)
- Marge: Grampa, you're a veteran of every branch of the service! The V.A. hospital will help.
- Lisa: Aren't those hospitals the ones they called "America's shame"?
- Homer: A lot of things are America's shame, honey.
- Doctor: Oh Well, don't worry, the veteran's administration will take care of this proud warrior. I can see him in five minutes... (Homer and Marge sigh) twenty three years from now. (salutes him)
- Veteran: Hey soldier! Are you looking for high quality health care at no cost? I know the place.
- Grampa: Tell it to me in an anecdote.
- Veteran: Years ago, I saw action in the Bay of Pigs.
- Homer: Bay of Pigs, eh?
- Homer: Hmm... History.
- Veteran: Those Cuban doctors patched me up good, and for a lot less!
- Grampa: How much less?
- Veteran: Well, what costs two thousand here, costs six bucks there! (a footnote says "This is true. Everyone head for Cuba.")
- Marge: Cuba sounds a little dangerous. Why don't we try Canada?
- Grampa: I don't want to go there, now that that commie Trudeau is in charge. We're goin' to Cuba!
- Homer: You got it, Dad. Nurse, cancel our appointment!
- Nurse: I'm sorry, there's a fee if you don't cancel within 24 years.
- Homer: D'oh!
- (a seagull grabs the sausage from Homer's hotdog)
- Homer: D'oh!
- Marge: We can have plantains! They're like bananas you have to cook. Yum.
- Grampa: Cooked bananas are too hard for me to chew.
- (another seagull grabs the bread from Homer's hotdog)
- Homer: D'oh!
- Lisa: Well, don't forget Cuba's vibrant jazz scene!
- Homer: Lisa, thanks for the warning. Despite what she says, this trip will be fun!
- Customs officer: Now, there are twelve types of visits to Cuba that are legally permitted. U.S. business...
- Homer: Next.
- Customs officer: Professional research...
- Homer: I don't know what either of those words mean.
- Customs officer: Educational activities...
- Homer: Those words I know and hate.
- Customs officer: Family visit...
- Homer: Is there a VIP entrance to this place?
- Customs officer: Religious activities...
- Homer: (laughing) God, no!
- Customs officer: Public performances...
- Homer: Never!
- Customs officer: Mistook us for Aruba...
- Homer: Is that that weird lettuce?
- Customs officer: Here to smuggle cigars...
- Homer: You guys have cigars?
- Customs officer: Fell off a fishing boat...
- Homer: Many times, not today.
- Customs officer: Transmission of information...
- Homer: Who wants to know?
- Customs officer: Really love Gloria Estefan...
- Homer: Getting warmer.
- Customs officer: And the last one is journalistic activity.
- Lisa: I'm a journalist! I'm doing an article for my school paper. Here's one of my scoops. (shows a class newspaper to the agent)
- Customs officer: Hmm.... You're in.
- Bart: Whoa! You can make money playing dominoes? Come on Grampa, let's take these guys!
- Grampa: I don't like dominoes. With my cataracts, everything's a six.
- Cuban doctor: I am so sorry., there is, uh... Nothing I can do. All I can offer is this, uh... Festive shirt. (puts a shirt on Grampa)
- Grampa: I don't like the way the birds are looking at me!
- Cuban doctor: Relax, viejo. (whispering to Marge) Return the shirt after he, you know (whistles)
- Marge: (groans) We took an exotic island vacation for nothing!
- Grampa: Oh my God! Where have you been all these years? (looks to an old car) Now this is a car! Razor sharp fins, little triangle windows that weren't good for nothing, and a front seat you could fit all your newborn babies on!
- Car owner: Would you care to go for a ride? (shows Grampa the keys)
- Grampa: (enters the car) Car keys that don't go bloopity-bloop! I'm home!
- Car owner: You, my friend, just had a Cuba-gasm.
- Homer: Oh, thank you! You've taken my dad back to a simpler time, when our only worry was being obliterated by nuclear weapons.
- Car owner: It is the car! All our American cars were built before ninety sixty. And studies show that exposure to objects from your youth can help you feel young again!
- Homer: What studies? Are they peer reviewed?
- Car owner: You know what they are? A professor, Ellen Langer, did a study where seniors exposed to culture from the fiftys became more vigorous and engaged. They even engaged in heavy petting!
- Marge: There's heavy petting?
- Lisa: Wow, that's the first time I've seen him get a woman's attention without flatlining.
- Homer: Okay, so let me get this straight. This paladar is a restaurant, but it's in a home?
- Marge: That's right.
- Homer: So I don't have to do the dishes?
- Bart: You don't do the dishes at home.
- Homer: Never discuss family business in front of the Cubans!!
- Bart: Gracias. ¿Cómo estás tú? (Thanks. How are you?)
- Lisa: Bart, you're using informal Spanish with someone who's not a family member!
- Bart: Ay, Caramba!
- Homer: Quiet, you kids! I'm watching Castro. All the best world leaders have beards: Him, Santa Claus, and every time he says "collective farming" I take a drink!
- Fidel Castro: Recientemente, viajé a una granja colectiva. (recently, I travelled to a collective farm.)
- Homer: Gracias! (drinks)
- Bar Costumer: Trescientos extra pesos por la hermosa camarera. (Three hundred extra pesos for the beautiful waitress.)
- Isabella: Yo no salgo con clientes. (I don't go out with costumers.) Another El Presidente cocktail, Señor Abraham?
- Grampa: I don't remember telling you my name!
- Isabella: You did. In fact, you were so charming, I want to hook up later. Not for money, but for nylons and chocolate.
- Grampa: (chuckles) Hey, Macarena! For me, that's a topical reference.
- McGrath: Why don't you let me buy this round, Abe?
- Grampa: Wheels McGrath?! I knew you in the Air Force! I haven't seen you since you dropped that A-bomb off the forklift!
- McGrath: Yeah, remember when it just kept rollin' and rollin'? (they laugh) Oh, you're looking good, Abe.
- Grampa: Cuba's great! It's like Florida before all the Cubans came.
- McGrath: Listen, there's a place I want to take you. What do you say? For old times' sake?
- Grampa: Yeah, why not? Keep my tab open, Isabella.
- Isabella: I hope I see you again, Abelito.
- Grampa: You will, I never go anyplace new.
- McGrath: There she is, the most hijacked plane in history. All you had to say was your kid wanted a pair of wings and you were in the cockpit.
- Grampa: I remember their motto: "Skyhawk Air: Nobody try to be a hero".
- McGrath: It's all ready to open as a nightclub, Abe. All we have to do is clean it up and hack a fifty foot wide path to civilization!
- Grampa: Couldn't we just burn a path?
- McGrath: No, I'll do the hacking, I'll do that. All I need is a front man and a partner.
- Grampa: You expect me to give you the money I was gonna leave to Homer? Okay, I'm in!
- (Grampa enters the Hotel room)
- Homer: It's about time! We leave at two!
- Grampa: You leave at two! I'm staying here.
- Homer: Dad, you can't stay in Cuba.
- Grampa: For the first time in years I feel young and healthy, and I found love! Don't you want those things for me?
- Homer: But I can't even leave you in the park without you losing your wallet in a bush.
- Grampa: It was an investment!
- Homer: I'd like to speak to your black ops. department.
- US. Embassy employee: Right downstairs, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer: Thank you. Hmm... How did they know my name? (a drone flies over Homer)
- Black Ops dept. employee: Quiet! This could take a while. Bam! Got him! Now you have to do a favor for us. How many baseball players can you sneak home with you?
- Homer: Well I have to ask my wife, but I'd say twelve.
- Black Ops dept. employee: Bam! Done!
- Grampa: Do you know any good people?
- McGrath: Everyone's got their embarrassments, Abe. I'm sure you got yours.
- Homer: Dad!
- Grampa:And up he walks.
- Isabella: (whispering) Abe, come with me to the cockpit.
- Grampa: Are we gonna fly or make love?
- Isabella: You will sit there, move nothing, and do as I say.
- Grampa: Hot dog! Makin' love!
- Cuban 1: The nightclub is flying away!
- Cuban 2: Can't we hold on to anything?
- Grampa: Boy, I didn't think I'd ever be able to do this again!
- Isabella: All you have done is fly without falling asleep.
- Grampa: Just like on my honeymoon. I'm starting to suspect you're not a simple Cuban bartender.
- Isabella: No, I'm an undercover agent for the CIA here to recapture fugitives from U.S. law. And when I saw you, I realized you'd be the perfect carcass to tempt these old buzzards.
- Grampa: (sputters) Is there anything I get out of this?
- Isabella: Yes, you avoid the knockout gas.
- Grampa: (reliefed) Aww...
- Homer: Oh, thank God. Usually I can never sleep on planes. Sometimes I hi... (passes out)
- Grampa: So, that's the end of my Cuban paradise. And like every good thing in my life, I've already forgotten it.
- Grampa: Listen dad, I know it was fun, but your place is with us, not on some island in the Indian Ocean. I love you! (they hug each other and start sobbing)
- Grampa: Now we're two men hugging. This is no sight for the streets of Miami! (they both continue sobbing)