Bart: There's that awful script from The Cable Guy.
Homer: Let me see that. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked Jim Carrey's career! (Starts ripping up the script and then sees everyone looking at him) What?
Editor: You know, Homer, we need someone like you. Someone who doesn't immediately "poo-poo" everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, usually takes me a few hours.
Homer: So come to The Legless Frog if you want to get sick and die and leave a big garlicky corpse. PS, parking was ample.
Lisa: Dad, you're being cruel for no reason! What will people think?
Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think!
Lisa: Not anymore! I don't want to be partners with a man who thinks like that!
(When a driver cuts him off) Note: Homer's insults are bleeped, but they are not words that are forbidden on television
Homer: (honking his horn at a driver who cut in front of him) Hey, you (bleep!) You cut me off! Oh, yeah, screw you!
Lisa: Dad, that's an ambulance.
Homer: Oh, right. (honks horn) (bleep!) ambulance! Think you're so good with your (bleep!) (bleep!) siren and your letters on backwards!
Homer: This pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere near as hammy.
Lisa: Dad, that's so mean!
Homer: The other critics told me to be mean, and you should always give in to peer pressure.
Lisa: But what if someone bad tells me to...?
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy!
Principal Skinner: I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Springfield Shopper newspaper. Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind to remove all traces of asbestos and the word "evolution" from our school.
Groundskeeper Willie: [comes out of the school, wearing a Hawaiian shirt] Next stop, Margaritaville! [notices the students] Oh, they're still here.
Principal Skinner: Now, I'd like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy so no one gets lost.
Bart: Come to think of it I haven't seen Uter since the lastfield trip.
Principal Skinner: Uter. I don't remember any Uter. Silly name, Uter.
Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14-year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: Over the years, the Shopper merged with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald, Jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly to become Springfield's number one newspaper.
[The tour guide shows Ann Landers and Dear Abby in stasis tubes]
Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of sleep.
Ann Landers: My advice is to free us or let us die.
Homer: Hey, I smell cake! Cake that says… [sniffs air] farewell…and… [sniffs again] best wishes!
Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.
Bart: Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.
Editor: So, Mimi, this little shindig is our way of saying farewell to our favorite food critic.
Mimi: What can I say, except thanks for the predictable champagne, pizza that's hardly numero uno and ice-cream cake that reminds us why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right?
Editor: I wouldn't want to be married to her. I mean, again.
Milhouse: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "D."
Nelson: Dingus! [smacks Milhouse in the head]
Homer: God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
Nelson: I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.
Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small-town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
Marge: Homer, you do know the E is broken on that typewriter.
Homer: We don't need no stinkin' E! Let's see... Restaurant Review... No! Eatery Evaluation! No! Food Box! Go or No Go by Homer... no, Earl... no... Bill Simpson!
Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: Here at the Springfield Shopper we use a percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: What percent?
Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: Zero. [pause] What!? Zero's a percent.
Lisa: 497, 498 words.
Homer: How about "Screw Flanders"?
Lisa: [typing] Bon appetit.
Homer: Eh, both good.
Editor: [reads Homer's review] Not bad, not bad at all! We're going to run this on page one ... of section H-2.
Homer: Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses! [A worker hits the stop button which wrecks havoc in the plant] OK, Start the presses.
Editor: That takes four hours.
Homer: Whatever, I'll be at Moe's. [leaves]
Homer: Well, what do you think?
Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "Pasghetti" and "Momatoes" You make numerous threatening references to the UN and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.
Marge: This is so exciting Homey, your first restaurant review.
Homer: Marge, Shh. It's important that no one knows I'm a food critic.
Ned: Hear that Maude? Homer's a critic!
Maude: Homer's a critic, pass it on!
Principal Skinner: [to Uter's parents] Did you hear? Homer's a critic.
Uter's Father: Quit changing the subject. Where is Uter?
Uter's Mother: Oh, we just want closure.
Lisa: Wow, my first published article ... although someone else's name is on it.
Homer: Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing. But this is only the beginning.
Marge: Who wants pork chops?
Homer: [carefully tastes the food] Sorry Marge, I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever. Seven thumbs up.
Marge: You always liked my pork chops.
Homer: Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves: Shake and Bake.
Marge: You like Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.
Homer: People change, Marge. My palate has grown more sophisticated.
Marge: Oh yeah, what's a palate?
Homer: Oh ... it's a ... special time in a boy's life when ... got to go! [rushes out]
Homer: Nobody talks to me that way. I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town, who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! [turns to the camera] We'll be right back.
Editor: Homer, what gives with this review? You say the salad tastes like bark and the potatoes were very [growls]. This reads like it was written by a dog.
Homer: Are you crazy? A dog can't type. [under his breath] Unfortunately.
Editor: Listen, you've got to shape up. Next week is the Taste of Springfield festival. You'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. Remember, people have certain expectations about the LifeWays section.
Homer: Really, like what?
Editor: Oh, I don't know. Astrology, "Brunhilda," vacation horror stories, articles about chronic fatigue syndrome. You know, chick crap.
Luigi: Homer, he's out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head on the bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review! True Story.
Captain McCallister: Argh, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
Akira: Then why did you put yours in the window?
Captain McCallister: Argh, it covered up the "D" from the Health Inspector.
Marge: Homey, my women's intuition acting up. Something bad's going to happen if you go in there.
Homer: Oh Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere. [steps in a puddle, gets hit by Frisbee, then is attacked by a bat] A bat, now that's a new one.
Captain McCallister: [about Homer] I'm surprised he doesn't just give it up and go for sweatpants.
Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast.
Captain McCallister: Yar! That's going to replace the whale in my nightmares.
Homer: [looks at the killer éclair] Ooh, sweet!
Lisa: [runs up to Homer] Dad, no! It's going to kill you.
Homer: [pauses] Eh, I've had a good run.
Lisa: Don't! It's low-fat!
Homer: Noooo! [tosses the éclair at a booth and a large explosion occurs]
Chief Wiggum: That was close! Thank God it landed in that smoking crater.
Homer: [arrives at zoo] Here we are, kids: the zoo.
Bart: Well, that's great, dad, except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper.