|Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?||
- Bart: There's that awful script from The Cable Guy.
- Homer: Let me see that. Stupid script! Nearly wrecked Jim Carrey's career! (Starts ripping up the script and then sees everyone looking at him) What?
- Editor: You know, Homer, we need someone like you. Someone who doesn't immediately "poo-poo" everything he eats.
- Homer: Nah, usually takes me a few hours.
- Homer: So come to The Legless Frog if you want to get sick and die and leave a big garlicky corpse. PS, parking was ample.
- Lisa: Dad, you're being cruel for no reason! What will people think?
- Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think!
- Lisa: Not anymore! I don't want to be partners with a man who thinks like that!
- (When a driver cuts him off) Note: Homer's insults are bleeped, but they are not words that are forbidden on television
- Homer: (honking his horn at a driver who cut in front of him) Hey, you (bleep!) You cut me off! Oh, yeah, screw you!
- Lisa: Dad, that's an ambulance.
- Homer: Oh, right. (honks horn) (bleep!) ambulance! Think you're so good with your (bleep!) (bleep!) siren and your letters on backwards!
- Homer: This pea soup is as weak as the acting and nowhere near as hammy.
- Lisa: Dad, that's so mean!
- Homer: The other critics told me to be mean, and you should always give in to peer pressure.
- Lisa: But what if someone bad tells me to...?
- Homer: Always.
- Santa's Little Helper: Chewy!
- Principal Skinner: I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Springfield Shopper newspaper. Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind to remove all traces of asbestos and the word "evolution" from our school.
- Groundskeeper Willie: [comes out of the school, wearing a Hawaiian shirt] Next stop, Margaritaville! [notices the students] Oh, they're still here.
- Principal Skinner: Now, I'd like to ask each child to pair up with a buddy so no one gets lost.
- Bart: Come to think of it I haven't seen Uter since the lastfield trip.
- Principal Skinner: Uter. I don't remember any Uter. Silly name, Uter.
- Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14-year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
- Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
- Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: Over the years, the Shopper merged with the Springfield Times, Post, Globe, Herald, Jewish News and Hot Sex Weekly to become Springfield's number one newspaper.
- [The tour guide shows Ann Landers and Dear Abby in stasis tubes]
- Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: This is where we store Ann Landers and Dear Abby for their 23 hours of sleep.
- Ann Landers: My advice is to free us or let us die.
- Homer: Hey, I smell cake! Cake that says… [sniffs air] farewell…and… [sniffs again] best wishes!
- Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.
- Bart: Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.
- Editor: So, Mimi, this little shindig is our way of saying farewell to our favorite food critic.
- Mimi: What can I say, except thanks for the predictable champagne, pizza that's hardly numero uno and ice-cream cake that reminds us why make 31 flavors when you can't get vanilla right?
- Editor: I wouldn't want to be married to her. I mean, again.
- Milhouse: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "D."
- Nelson: Dingus! [smacks Milhouse in the head]
- Homer: God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
- Nelson: I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.
- Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small-town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
- Marge: Homer, you do know the E is broken on that typewriter.
- Homer: We don't need no stinkin' E! Let's see... Restaurant Review... No! Eatery Evaluation! No! Food Box! Go or No Go by Homer... no, Earl... no... Bill Simpson!
- Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: Here at the Springfield Shopper we use a percentage of recycled paper.
- Lisa: What percent?
- Springfield Shopper Tour Guide: Zero. [pause] What!? Zero's a percent.
- Lisa: 497, 498 words.
- Homer: How about "Screw Flanders"?
- Lisa: [typing] Bon appetit.
- Homer: Eh, both good.
- Editor: [reads Homer's review] Not bad, not bad at all! We're going to run this on page one ... of section H-2.
- Homer: Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses! [A worker hits the stop button which wrecks havoc in the plant] OK, Start the presses.
- Editor: That takes four hours.
- Homer: Whatever, I'll be at Moe's. [leaves]
- Homer: Well, what do you think?
- Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
- Homer: What's wrong with it?
- Editor: You keep using words like "Pasghetti" and "Momatoes" You make numerous threatening references to the UN and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.
- Marge: This is so exciting Homey, your first restaurant review.
- Homer: Marge, Shh. It's important that no one knows I'm a food critic.
- Ned: Hear that Maude? Homer's a critic!
- Maude: Homer's a critic, pass it on!
- Principal Skinner: [to Uter's parents] Did you hear? Homer's a critic.
- Uter's Father: Quit changing the subject. Where is Uter?
- Uter's Mother: Oh, we just want closure.
- Lisa: Wow, my first published article ... although someone else's name is on it.
- Homer: Welcome to the humiliating world of professional writing. But this is only the beginning.
- Marge: Who wants pork chops?
- Homer: [carefully tastes the food] Sorry Marge, I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever. Seven thumbs up.
- Marge: You always liked my pork chops.
- Homer: Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves: Shake and Bake.
- Marge: You like Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.
- Homer: People change, Marge. My palate has grown more sophisticated.
- Marge: Oh yeah, what's a palate?
- Homer: Oh ... it's a ... special time in a boy's life when ... got to go! [rushes out]
- Homer: Nobody talks to me that way. I'm Homer Simpson, the most powerful food critic in town, who will never get his comeuppance! You hear me? No comeuppance! [turns to the camera] We'll be right back.
- Editor: Homer, what gives with this review? You say the salad tastes like bark and the potatoes were very [growls]. This reads like it was written by a dog.
- Homer: Are you crazy? A dog can't type. [under his breath] Unfortunately.
- Editor: Listen, you've got to shape up. Next week is the Taste of Springfield festival. You'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. Remember, people have certain expectations about the LifeWays section.
- Homer: Really, like what?
- Editor: Oh, I don't know. Astrology, "Brunhilda," vacation horror stories, articles about chronic fatigue syndrome. You know, chick crap.
- Luigi: Homer, he's out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head on the bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review! True Story.
- Captain McCallister: Argh, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
- Akira: Then why did you put yours in the window?
- Captain McCallister: Argh, it covered up the "D" from the Health Inspector.
- Marge: Homey, my women's intuition acting up. Something bad's going to happen if you go in there.
- Homer: Oh Marge, something bad usually happens to me when I go in anywhere. [steps in a puddle, gets hit by Frisbee, then is attacked by a bat] A bat, now that's a new one.
- Captain McCallister: [about Homer] I'm surprised he doesn't just give it up and go for sweatpants.
- Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast.
- Captain McCallister: Yar! That's going to replace the whale in my nightmares.
- Homer: [looks at the killer éclair] Ooh, sweet!
- Lisa: [runs up to Homer] Dad, no! It's going to kill you.
- Homer: [pauses] Eh, I've had a good run.
- Lisa: Don't! It's low-fat!
- Homer: Noooo! [tosses the éclair at a booth and a large explosion occurs]
- Chief Wiggum: That was close! Thank God it landed in that smoking crater.
- Homer: [arrives at zoo] Here we are, kids: the zoo.
- Bart: Well, that's great, dad, except you were supposed to drive us to the newspaper.
- Homer: [Echoes through out zoo] D'OH!