|Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy||
- Bart: Mom, Dad, I saw a UFO!
- [Reaches for light switch]
- Homer and Marge: Don't turn on that light! Don't turn on that light!
- Bart: Individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions.
- Lisa: Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book. [holds it up]
- Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
- Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".
- Marge: Homer, wake up! Wake up!
- Homer: Wha?
- Marge: We need to talk about the...marital difficulties we've been having lately.
- Homer: Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.
- Marge: I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... how about a book?
- Homer: [excited] Ooh, OK!
- Marge: A tasteful book.
- Homer: [unexcited] Oh, all right.
- Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
- Homer: Nevermind, you wouldn't understand.
- Grampa: Flu?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Protein deficiency?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
- Homer: N- yes. But please, don't you say that word.
- Grampa: What, seeex: What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
- (Homer shudders upon hearing Grampa tell him "too much information")
- Homer: Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. Now, now, now!
- Homer: Ooh, mama! This is finally, really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme...and quick!
- Marge: Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works—you and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together.
- Homer: You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution?
- Marge: You can make a lot of money...
- Homer: Yeah! Where are my pants?
- Marge: You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.
- Grampa: Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic.
- Mr. Van Houten: Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together...and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it to him] A pup tent!
- Milhouse: Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard.
- Mr. Van Houten: Yeah! Every single night.
- Milhouse: What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups?
- Nelson: Who cares? With no adults, I run this city. [pauses, looks awkward] Um...carry on. [walks off]
- Bart: Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions."
- Milhouse: Jeez...if it's in a book, it's gotta be true!
- Bart: Scary, no? [points at author's photo] And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa!
- Ralph: [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
- Grampa: Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid...
- Homer: Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.
- Grampa: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business.
- Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns radio playing banjo music off; banjo music stops]
- [pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]
- Bart: OK, it's not painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
- Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? [he and Bart start wrestling]
- Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
- Bart: So what's the simplest explanation?
- Lisa: I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.
- Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires!
- Grampa: Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here.
- [Homer does so and they get out of the car]
- Homer: Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump?
- Grampa: That's the house you grew up in, son.
- Homer: Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.
- Grampa: Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good.
- [flashback to young Homer in the barn]
- Homer: Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! [flaps his tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah!
- Grampa: [points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.
- [young Homer's shadow is burned into the floor and wall; flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on TV]
- Kennedy: If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. [reporters laugh, sigh]
- Homer: Wow. [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy.
- Mrs. Simpson: Oh, Abe: maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day.
- Grampa: You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! [back in the present] Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.
- Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
- Grampa: Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
- [in the car]
- Homer: Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me.
- Grampa: That's 'cause you're a screw-up.
- Homer: You're the screw-up!
- Grampa: Why you little... [strangles Homer]
- Homer: All right, all right. That's it. We're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.
- Grampa: If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident!
- Homer: [gasps, stops the car] Get out.
- Grampa: I'm sorry I said that.
- Homer: Out.
- Grampa: I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away... [Homer drives off] Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. [later that night, he still stands there] Dang. [And he will never see Homer ever again and return to Springfield Retirement Castle]
- Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
- Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me.
- Marge: You didn't want to have Bart.
- Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
- Marge: You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning.
- Homer: But when I do it, it's cute.
- Milhouse: The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people...
- Bart: Thank you.
- Milhouse: ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires...
- Lisa: [sighs]
- Milhouse: ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!
- Grampa: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son, my son, Barney!
- Barney: [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches]
- Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.
- Grampa: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.
- Barney: Oh -- [collapses]
- Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
- Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
- Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
- Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
- [Homer gets in the car and drives off.]
- Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."
- Lisa: That's what I assumed.
- Homer: Dad!
- Grampa: Son!
- Homer: I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
- Grampa: No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
- Homer: You know what?
- Grampa: What?
- Homer: We're both screw-ups.
- Homer: Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very (staring at Bart's candy bar) sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- Put it away, boy! -- situation.