|| Grade School Confidential
Superintendent Chalmers: (through bullhorn) Skinner, get off of my school.
Principal Skinner: No, you get off of my school.
Marge: Homer, Bart's up there!
Homer: (taking bullhorn from Chalmers) Gimmie that. (through bullhorn) Bart, this is your father. Do you know where the remote is? I looked all over the house.
Bart: Did you check your pocket?
(Homer checks and find that the remote was in his back pocket)
Homer: (throws the bullhorn to Marge) It was... (lowers bullhorn) it was in my pocket
Principal Skinner: The fact is, I haven't ever had relations. I am a virgin.
Nelson: Haw haw!
Homer: Hey, does this mean Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin too?
Mrs. Krabappel: Ha!
Principal Skinner: (over the PA) The bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been canceled due to confusion.
Principal Skinner: Now, Bart, son. I don't know what you think you saw …but, uh … let me assure you…
Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour's, oh, what Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him.
Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said that you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play.
Principal Skinner: Is it too late to say that?
Lisa: Bart, how come you're not sick?
Bart: Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat. (points to the sick cat.) Hey, why'd you eat 'em? I thought you were a vegetarian.
Lisa: I didn't. I just wanted to leave.
Principal Skinner: We have barricaded ourselves in the school, and we're not coming out 'til our demands our met!
Groundskeeper Willie: Willie hears ya. Willie don't care.
Principal Skinner: (to Edna) I've always admired your tart honesty and ability to be personally offended by broad social trends.
Maude Flanders: Just a minute, Edna. I don't think we're talking about love here. We are talking about S-E-X, in front of the
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, it's going to be hard to say goodbye to all of you. We've had a lot of fun together. Nelson, Nelson, Nelson. Oh, how many kids have you beaten up this year?
Nelson: I 'unno. 50.
Mrs. Krabappel: Ah, 50. Where does the time go?
Mrs. Krabappel: We're just a little concerned, that if people were to find out that a principal were dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest.
Principal Skinner: And there are those who might try to use it against us for their own advantage.
Bart: Like me, for one.
Principal Skinner: Like you … for … Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten. Let's talk deal.
Martin: [raises hand] Mrs. Krabappel, I also have an announcement to make.
Mrs. Krabappel: Can't it wait until I retire?
Martin: [clears throat and gets up] I want one and all to join me in celebrating the anniversary of my portentous birth. [begins to pass out invitations; gives one to Nelson] Here you are, Nelson.
Nelson: A birthday party? [makes raspberry noise, and shoves the invitation to the floor]
Martin: [picks it up, and puts it back on the desk] Here you are, Nelson.
[Nelson raspberries again and knocks it back to the floor.]
Martin [picks up the invitation and puts it back on the desk]: Here you are, Nelson.
Nelson: I said [raspberry].
Bart: I guess we could go to Martin's party.
Milhouse: I don't know. If we're seen there, it will definitely take our social standing down a notch.
Bart: We're what now, 3?
Milhouse: 3 and a half. We get beat up, but we get an explanation.
Principal Skinner: Edna!
Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Mind if I sit down?
Mrs. Krabappel: It's a free country.
Principal Skinner: I, I don't follow you.
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh ... just sit down, Seymour. [he does] It might be nice to talk to a grown-up for a change, heh.
Principal Skinner: Well, this party is certainly a break in my routine. You know, normally I spend my Saturdays carefully laying out my clothes for the following week, then I stroll down to the car wash to see if Gus is there.
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, yeah, you gotta keep busy. I collect matchbooks from glamorous nightclubs. It's amazing if you just write to them and ask them nicely... [trails off]
Principal Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, yes, but then I was a very depressed child.
Principal Skinner: To poor decisions. [they clink glasses]
Mrs. Krabappel: Hear, hear. [they drink up]
Mr. Prince [to Mrs. Prince] I told you we should have served cake instead of oysters!
Martin: I'm ruined!
Nelson: [punches Martin in the gut] Ha-ha, ohh... [collapses]
Bart: You are never going to guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left. You know that playhouse? Well, I...
Principal Skinner: [overhears Bart] Good gravy!
Cafeteria Worker: Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.
Principal Skinner [to Mrs. Krabappel]: Mmmm. This dessert is exquisite. What do you call it?
Mrs. Krabappel: Applesauce.
Principal Skinner: [chuckles] Oh, of course. I'm sorry, I, I don't get out to restaurants much.
Mrs. Krabappel: That's okay. I don't entertain much. Usually it's just soup for one, salad for one, wine for three.
Principal Skinner: [laughs] You know, I always thought I'd fall for a woman just like mother, even though I didn't want to. And now that I haven't, I've discovered what true happiness can be, Edna.
Mrs. Krabappel [gets up]: Seymour,swallow that applesauce and kiss me.
Principal Skinner: I'm afraid I already swallowed it while you were talking. [The two of them embrace and roll down to the floor].
[Bart keeps Mrs. Skinner company while Principal Skinner's on his date]
Mrs. Skinner: I collect pictures of cakes that I clip out of the magazines. It all started in 1941 when "Good Housekeeping" featured a photo of a lovely cake. [opens album]
Bart: You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?
Mrs. Skinner: Oh, my, no. I don't care for cake, too sweet. Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. [points to a picture] At my age, I don't have much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page. [gives Bart the thumbs-up]
Bart: Oh, can't I just turn the page for you? [reaches for the page]
Mrs. Skinner: [slaps Bart's hand away] No! But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.
Bart: Okay ... that one. [points]
Mrs. Skinner: [slaps Bart's hand away] No! You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake!
Principal Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you.
Bart: I won't say it!
Principal Skinner: Bart!
Bart: Oh ... [shudders] I love you, Edna Krabappel.
[The entire class laughs at him]
Sherri and Terri: [in a sing-song tone] Bart's going to marry the teacher.
Nelson: Where are you registered, Simpson?
[Bart escorts his class to the janitor's closet]
Bart: Okay, crew, set your faces to stunned. [opens the door which reveals Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing. They look up horrified. Mrs. Krabappel tries to pull her skirt back down her leg, but it scoots back up]
Principal Skinner [to the kids]: Um, uh, school dismissed!
Milhouse [to his parents]: And Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were kissing...and swearing!
Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon [to her dad and Apu]: Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal and he had as many arms as Vishnu and they were all very busy.
Lisa: I was in the library at the time, but Janey told me that Principal Skinner and Bart's teacher, Mrs. -- what's her name?
Lisa: Yeah, Krabappel. They were naked in the closet together.
Marge: [gasps] Oh, my goodness!
Homer: Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself! [runs out of the room]
Ralph [to his parents]: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you? [picks up phone] Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers. [Mrs. Wiggum dials the number] Thank you, Sarah. [Mrs. Wiggum smiles knowingly]
Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner!
Principal Skinner: [startled] Superintendent Chalmers.
Superintendent Chalmers: The whole town's in an uproar about your sleazy shenanigans. Now, I'm going to give you a choice: You can either give up this tawdry, fulfilling relationship, or you two will be out of here so fast your mortarboards will spin. And where is your mortarboard, anyway?
Principal Skinner: Uh, right here, sir. [retrieves it and puts it on, sending a cloud of dust flying]
Superintendent Chalmers: So, what'll it be, Seymour?
Principal Skinner: Well, I'm sorry but uh, I can't give up the woman I love.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, then I'm afraid you leave me no choice. I want you out of the building by 3:00. You're fired. Edna, too.
Principal Skinner: [gasps]
Superintendent Chalmers: You have got to end this thing, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love.
Superintendent Chalmers: No one would like to celebrate your love more than I, but I'm a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgement in any way.
Mrs. Krabappel: [takes the phone] Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople.
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The, the guy with a bumblebee suit, or the one with a bone through his hair?
Sideshow Mel: My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
Superintendent Chalmers: Yeah, all right. Just come on down.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, it's clear you've been falsely accused. Because no one, anywhere, ever, would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin. [the crowd walks off]
Krusty: Oh, that's for sure.
Dr. Hibbert: I'm, uh, I'm inclined to agree.
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach! I'll never look at him the same again.
Lenny: That was more than I wanted to know.
Superintendent Chalmers: [clears throat] Okay, well um, Edna, Seymour, in light of these uh, uh, revelations, I uh, suppose we uh,
Mrs. Krabappel: Do we have our jobs back?
Superintendent Chalmers: What? Oh yes, yes, sure. Just uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum. [hurries off]
Bart: I'm outta here. Skinny, Krabby, catch ya later.
Principal Skinner: Uh, hold on, Bart. May we have a word with you?
Mrs. Krabappel: We want to thank you for helping us through a difficult period.
Bart: Oh, no problemo. So I guess now you'll be getting married or something, huh?
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, actually, Seymour and I have decided to break up.
Principal Skinner: Mm. We can't continue on like this, trying to build a private relationship in public, the whole town watching our every move with a fine-toothed comb.
Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm-hmm. I'm used to humiliation but not in front of a crowd that size.
Bart: Aw, but you seemed like such a good couple.
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart. When you get a little older you're going to learn that sometimes romances don't turn out exactly the way you'd like them to.
Bart: [sighs and trudges out of the building]
Principal Skinner: That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.