Grandpa: Well, on V.E. Day, I kissed a man by mistake.
Marge: Thank you.
Homer: You were a world famous wrestler? Spill the beans, old man. Word beans!
Grampa: Oh all right, I'll tell you. It was the 1950's.
Homer: Ohh, those things?
[flashback to a wrestling arena in the 1950's]
Grampa: It was the heyday of pro wrestling. You could make good money if you were the manly mixture of strong and fat we called "beefy". Good guys were called "babyfaces", and bad guys were called "heels". I was the king of the heels: Glamorous Godfrey. [Grampa throws a glassful of milk into a woman's face]
Milkman 1: How dare he?
Milkman 2: That was drinking milk!
[the crowd gets angry]
Grampa : My motto was "Always cheat".
[Grampa as Glamorous Godfrey pokes the eyes of one wrestler, bites another's ear, and throws another wrestler into a fridge and puts a steel chair against the door]
Grampa: But the thing that really drove them crazy was my vanity.
[the crowd boos, they throw their cigars and cigarettes into the ring]
Bart: Grampa, you were the original bad boy!
Grampa: Yeah, I was boastful before your all your football showboaters, rap "music-ers" and TV beach Italians. But there was a downside to being hated: being hated.
Mr. Burns: Oh, what I wouldn't give to see Glamorous Godfrey in action once more. Would you ever consider throwing your wig back into the ring?
Grampa: Go back to being a villain? Oh, forget that! Being hated is the worst feeling there is.
Mr. Burns [chuckles]: You've got it all wrong, my friend. Once you see it my way, you'll understand that being hated is the greatest feeling in the world.
[Mr. Burns starts a song and dance number]
Mr. Burns [sings]: Don't really care for chasing women, never was keen on booze / Don't take cocaine or Mary Jane, No I get drunk on boos...
Mr. Burns: [pauses singing]: Uh, that's "B-O-O-S", not "Z-E" as before.
Bart: Uh, we get it.
Mr. Burns [resumes singing]: Because, you've got to love to be hated, find the good in being bad / Oh, the crowd is full of gentlemen, But they've paid to see the cad / Yes, it's a hoot, a kick, a gas / When you're the villain of the show / Once you wear black, you'll never go back / It's a high to be loathed.
Mr. Burns [continues singing] Chucky, Stalin, Megatron, / Eric Cartman, Donkey Kong, / Vader, Nader, Simon Legree, / Terminators 1, 2, and 3; / Iago, Joker, Voldemort, / McEnroe on center court, / Mr. Burns and Skeletor, / Keep your good guys, what a snore, / [Mr. Burns takes Grampa up on stage, and starts dancing] When it's your head they want to sever, And your blood they want to shed, / You know you're gonna live forever, if everybody wants you dead, / So listen up, because I'm giving / The best advice you'll ever know / So feel the thrill, I know you will, / It's a high to be loa.... th-ed.
Mr. Burns: And now our main event. In this corner: Baby-Face Palooka. And entering the ring: America's original vainglorious bastard, Glamorous Godfrey!
[Glamorous Godfrey's carriage pulls up to the ring, he steps in with Baroque music playing as the crowd boos him]
Mr. Burns [whispering to Glamorous Godfrey] : Yes, feel the hatred, it makes you strong, powerful, alive.
Glamorous Godfrey [imitating a posh, snooty voice as he speaks]: You are the luckiest people in the world: you get to look at me!
[Glamorous Godfrey claps two large makeup powder puffs like cymbals, covering the people with talcum powder]
Sideshow Mel: I've never seen anyone so full of self-regard! And I've worked with Bob Balaban.
Marge: I don't care if Bart is a wrestler, a busboy, or even a stoplight squeegee man, as long as he's a nice person. But if he gets too much attention for acting bad, he might turn bad on the inside.
Grampa: Eh, that's women talk. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to comb out my curls! One... two... three...
Grampa: Glamorous Godfrey is dead! [the crowd gasps as Grampa gets rid of his cloak and wig and puts on a Lincoln-style stovepipe hat and beard ] I am Honest Abe! [the crowd gasps again as Grampa changes Bart's costume to resemble the Statue of Liberty] And this is Laddie Liberty!
Bart: What are you doing?
Grampa: I ain't a heel no more, I'm a good guy, and you're a baby-face!
Bart: But - but what about the cheating?
Grampa; No more cheating.
Bart: And the preening?
Grampa; No more preening.
Bart: But I'm so pretty!
Grampa; That's for others to say now.
Mr. Burns: Curse you, and this morbidly obese little half-wit!
Grampa: So, they only want to see a good guy fight a bad guy, eh?
[Grampa picks Mr. Burns up, and puts him in an airplane spin]
Mr. Burns:Duh-oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
[Grampa delivers a piledriver to Mr. Burns]
Homer: He's taking on Mean Man Monty! Go get him, Honest Abe!
Bart: Honest Abe, can I pin him?
Grampa [chuckles]: You know it, Laddie Liberty!
[Bart covers Mr. Burns for the win]
[the crowd cheers]
Grampa: Damndest boos I ever heard.
Bart: They're cheering, Grampa.
Grampa: This is what I've been missing my whole life.
Marge: Oh, that was so sweet!
Homer [crying tears of joy]: I wish Grampa was my dad!
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