|Goo Goo Gai Pan||
- (Mr. Burns runs over the Cat Lady, Comic Book Guy and Hans Moleman)
- Hans Moleman: At least I'm out doing things.
- (At the Counsulate of China)
- Clerk: And don't forget--your husband must go with you to China to pick up the baby.
- Selma: All right, here I go…Writing the name…(Struggling to keep her composure as she writes Homer's name on the form)
- Clerk: Excellent! You are Mrs. Homer Simpson. He is your soul mate and lover.
- Selma: Yes…Homer Simpson is my whole world…I love him! (Sarcastically disgusted)
- (Moments later at the nuclear plant cafeteria with Carl and Lenny, Homer shudders)
- Homer: Oooh, I just felt a chill go through my very soul.
- Lenny: Yeah, those Sloppy Joes will do that.
- (The family is about to leave the hospital)
- Homer: Come on kids, we should go. Goodbye, Selma. (Covers her with a blanket)
- Selma: I'm not dead, idiot!
- Homer: I know. That was for the other patients. (Selma punches him in the crotch) OW!!! Oooh, oooh, OWWW!!! My thingies!
- (At a Krusty Fried Chicken cart)
- Madam Wu: You shall be back in the land you love soon. Tomorrow we'll give you your baby.
- Selma: Oh, my God! Really? My life begins at last!
- Madam Wu: That is quite an insult to your other children.
- Bart: We understand, ma'am. We're pretty lousy kids.
- Marge: Selma, I didn't realize you wanted a child so badly.
- Selma: I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks.
- (Homer hides his laughter.)
- Robert Wagner: (In the video) So let's all give menopause a round of men-applause. "Men-aplause?!?" I'm not saying that!
- Dragons: (singing Chinese opera style) American Jerks are going home...Now we sleep for a thousand years...When we wake the world will end...
- Madam Wu: Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically.
- Lisa: I don't know about that. I'm considered pretty smart.
- Madam Wu: Well, Tibet was considered pretty independent. How'd that work out?
- Lisa: (Gasps) How dare you make light of that brutal…
- Marge: (Restrains her) Mind your manners, Lisa.
- Madam Wu: Such loving discipline. Maybe someday, someone will love you too, childless servant. (Marge makes a restrained angry growl)
- Bart: What the hell's menopause?
- Homer: Son, menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters.
- Pilot: If you look out the left side of the aircraft, you will see our monument to warrior, and spicy chicken pioneer, General Gou.
- Homer: Wow, it makes Lincoln Memorial look like crap.
- Madam Wu: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!
- Homer: Wow, the fortune cookies here really are more accurate.
- (Homer reads fortune that says "We will take Selma's baby.")
- Fake Bart: Feast on my shorts, stupid father man.