- Bart: I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.
- Lisa: That's what Veterans Day is for, Bart.
- Bart: But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?
- Lisa: They also have Memorial Day!
- Bart: Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong, the important thing is that veterans deserve a day to honor them!
- Lisa: They have two!
- Bart: Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson.
- Lisa: They call her the cat lady, people say she's crazy just because she has a few-dozen cats. But can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy?
- (Lady gets out of house, sees Lisa, and starts throwing cats at her, and chasing her.)
- Lisa: The old Union Pacific doesn't come by here much anymore.
- (Train comes past, displaying the words 'Union Pacific' on each of the 30 or so carriages, when the train fully gets past, the lady with the cats is there, still chasing her)
- Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young has come to this pond every day for the past 17 years, to feed the ducks. But last month, Joe made a discovery... the ducks... were gone! Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people say, that Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks. But it could be, that there is just no room in this modern world, for an old man... and his ducks.
- Krusty the Clown: (laughs) Man, you think the quality would dip after fifty-five hundred shows! But... (laughs)
- Lady: Well, the FCC isn't laughing. They don't believe kids are learning anything from "Itchy and Scratchy".
- Krusty: Oh, please! What don't they learn? Don't trust mice, cats are made of glass...
- Lady: Our renewal license is on the bubble. We need educational programming, fast!
- Krusty: What about that Mattel and Mars Bar Quick-Energy Choc-O-Bot Hour?
- Lady: That's barely legal as it is. Here's what I was thinking: a newscast for kids. By kids.
- Krusty: Well, you're not taking any time out of my show. It's jammed up as it is. There's a monologue, those idiot puppets, Krusty's nap time, the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Papino... I tell ya, it's the tightest three hours and ten minutes on TV.
- Lady: We're cutting ten minutes from your show.
- Krusty: Well, I guess we can trim the Hobo Parade to a lean twenty.
- Principal Skinner: Lisa, Channel 6 is launching a children news program, and they asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor child.
- Lisa: (Gasps) Oh my god! (Pretending to be a anchor) Today's top story: Little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.
- Principal Skinner: Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.
- Lisa: I know, I already jumped to that conclusion
- Principal Skinner: Hmm.. All right. If you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunchroom monitor!
- Lisa: Me?
- Principal Skinner: (Gives her a sash) Take your sash and go.
- Bart: (reporting live from the Springfield Dump) Ahem. Lisa, I've just arrived at the Springfield Dump. A lot of things get thrown out here; sometimes... even... a human being. Somewhere in this pile of twisted metal and soiled mattresses...
- (Milhouse laughs nervously from the newsroom.)
- Bart: ...lives a poor immigrant whose home was cruelly taken away.
- (A door made from scrap metal is opened, revealing an angry Groundskeeper Willie with a broken left leg.)
- Groundskeeper Willie: Yeah! By you!
- Bart: Groundskeeper Willie?!? Um... uh... so you're the immigrant I'm here to help!
- Willie: Help?!? You destroyed my house and reduced me to livin' in a dump!
- Bart: (nervously backing away) Groundskeeper Willie; furious with the government that let him down. I'm Bart Simps...
- (Willie hurls a car motor with a yell. Bart ducks in time to let the motor hit a container from behind. Lisa, watching this from the newsroom, begins to laugh.)
- Willie: I'll kill ye! (rips a fender from a broken-up car and swings it at Bart; he hits the camera, killing the live transmission.)
- Lisa: Oh no! What have I done? Nelson, cover for me!