|Funeral for a Fiend||
- Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally] This time I've made no mistakes.
- Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
- Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the immortal bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover." [leaves and shuts the door]
- Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
- Sideshow Bob: [re-enters] I shall! [takes the laptop] Come on, Wikipedia. Load, you unwieldy behemoth!
- (laptop explodes, Bob falls to the ground)
- Sideshow Bob: Hoist on his own petard.
- Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard."
- Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.
- Sideshow Bob: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
- Homer: I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!
- Sideshow Bob: I'm Wes Doobner!
- Homer: Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family I expect a certain level of basic--
- Sideshow Bob: Shut up!
- Kent Brockman: America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billie the Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesus Christ. Joining them now is Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger.
- (Krusty plays the piano and sings in mourning at Sideshow Bob's funeral.)
- Krusty: [singing] Farewell, Sideshow Bob
- Your shoes are empty and the stage is dark.
- Bart stole your nitroglycerin
- And then your heart infarced.
- And it seems to me your loyal fans
- Oughta buy this DVD
- [Holds up a Best of Sideshow Bob DVD]
- Of all your best-loved sketches
- On The Krusty Show.
- It's full of extra features
- And deleted scenes.
- Like when you fell and split your pants
- And we saw your Frank and Beans. (sobs)
- (Bart and his family enter)
- Krusty: (pointing at Bart) There's the kid who killed my best friend! (breaks down sobbing wildly) Buy my DVD.
- [At Circuit Circus]
- Homer: [to Bart] Now ignore all the fancy shmancy thingamajigs, boy. We're just gonna get a camera battery and go home.
- Salesman #1: Interested in a car stereo?
- Homer: No, thanks. Just here for a battery.
- Salesman #2: Big special on camcorders!
- Homer: All I want is a battery.
- Saleswoman: Care to make love, sir?
- Homer: Battery, battery, battery!
- [At Sideshow Bob's trial]
- Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
- [The entire courtroom gasps in shock]
- Prosecutor: [to Homer and Marge] Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
- Sideshow Bob: But--
- Prosecutor: Damn!
- [The family watches a commercial for a new restaurant]
- Wes Doobner: Howdy, folks! Are tired of family arguments over where to go for dinner?
- Homer: Sometimes I think about gettin' on a bus and never comin' back.
- Wes Doobner: Why not try Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts? The rib joint with somethin' for everyone!
- Homer: Good luck with my finicky appetite!
- Wes Doobner: We've got ribs--
- Homer: Sold!
- Wes Doobner: Plain noodles.
- [Marge sighs]
- Wes Doobner: With butter.
- Marge: Yowza!
- Wes Doobner: Texas tofu!
- Lisa: Yummy, yumma!
- Wes Doobner: And the easiest place mat puzzle in the state.
- Bart: Let me at it!
- [Lisa explains how she figured out Sideshow Bob's scheme on the way to save Bart at the funeral home]
- Lisa: Bob planned this from the beginning.
- Homer: Uh-huh.
- Lisa: He wanted to be captured at the restaurant.
- Homer: Yes.
- Lisa: He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong.
- Homer: No.
- Lisa: His mother was a Shakespearian actress.
- Homer: Oh, yeah!
- Lisa: His father was a doctor.
- Homer: A doctor, huh?
- Lisa: So when Bob collapsed in the courtroom...
- Homer: I remember.
- Lisa: ...his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death.
- Homer: Uh-huh.
- Lisa: It was a diabolical scheme and every member of his family played a part!
- Homer: Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home for 10 minutes.
- Lisa: [Begrudgingly] Yes.
- [The Simpsons enter the church to say farewell to Sideshow Bob]
- Homer: I don't know about you, but I still can't stand him. [echoes] I still can't stand him, I still can't stand him.
- [Everyone gasps]
- Homer: I don't care about these church jerks [echoes]
- Marge: Homer, your behavior is heinous! [echoes] Anus, anus, anus.
- Lisa: That voice...That commercial was a trick... specifically designed to lure our family here! And "Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts" is actually an anagram!
- Sideshow Bob: Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return"!
- All: [Screams] Sideshow Bob!
- Sideshow Bob: Now you're all going to die, just you watched a television commercial.
- Homer: The next time a commercial comes on, I'm going to close my eyes, cover my ears and scream as loud as I Can.
The screen cuts to black
- Homer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
- Bart Simpson: Cool, I found a trapdoor that leads to an underground city. Here I go! Oh, my God, it's beautiful! Are you buying this?
- Sideshow Bob: When they find your ashes, they'll think it's me. And I'll be far away with my loving family. It's the perfect crime.
- Cecil Terwilliger: And it was my flawless performance as the grieving brother that sealed the deal.
- Sideshow Bob: Yes, and Hamlet is all about Laertes.
- Cecil Terwilliger: Would you please stop comparing me to Laertes!
- Sideshow Bob: If the doublet fits... (laughs evilly along with his family and then Homer kicks on a door and the whole Simpson family gets super mad at Sideshow Bob)
- Lisa Simpson: (angrily) Stop that cremation!
- Homer Simpson: (Sniffs) Hey, what smells so good?
- Sideshow Bob: Zeus' pimples! (pulls the lever to 'kill him already')
- Bart Simpson: Hot! Hot! Hot!
- Sideshow Bob: You're too late, Simpsons!
- Homer Simpson: Eat hobo remains! (throw ashes at Bob's face)
- Bart Simpson: Get me out of here! What are you doing? I can't breathe!
- Homer Simpson: Marge, he's got to get over his fear of coffins. (Bart hugs his mother Marge and then Chief Wiggum kicks on the door and gets super mad and aims his gun at Sideshow Bob)
- Chief Wiggum: Freeze, Sideshow Snobs! You're all under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, but I hope you don't. It's a long way to jail and I like to chitchat.
- Sideshow Bob(to Lisa): Wait, I must know. How did you loosen the tiles of my mosaic of murder?
- Lisa Simpson: I grew suspicious when I saw the casket had extra room built-in for your feet. Why would your family pay all that extra money for the comfort of a dead man?
- Sideshow Bob: (Looking at his feet) Damn these glorious gunboats!
- Bart Simpson: Nice try, Bob, but you didn't count on one thing.
- Sideshow Bob: What's that?
- Bart Simpson: You stink like my butt! Take him away! (Chief Wiggum sends Sideshow Bob to Eddy and Lou or unnamed police officers for Eddy, Lou or an unnamed police officer to put Sideshow Bob in jail).
- Sideshow Bob: Oh, why must I feed him straight lines?! (sent to Eddy, Lou, or an unnamed police officer by Chief Wiggum).