|Friends and Family||
- Smithers: Come on, sir. You'll be late for your appointment.
- Mr. Burns: Hush! No one must know I'm not in perfect mental health. The Kaiser would be furious!
- (Mr. Burns walks down the medical complex's hallway)
- Doctor 1: Hip joints! Who wants a hip joint?
- Doctor 2: Eyeballs! Can't see without your eyeballs!
- Doctor 3: Euthanasia! Sweet, sweet euthanasia!
- Mr. Burns: Ooh! Can I buy it as a gift?
- Doctor 3: No!
- Dr. Nussbaum: I believe last week we were discussing your anger issues.
- Mr. Burns: (angry) Anger issues? Anger issues? Anger issues? Anger issues?
- Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah all right, I'm afraid our fifty minutes are almost up.
- Mr. Burns: Sorry. You were saying?
- Dr. Nussbaum: Monty, I... I give up.
- Mr. Burns: After only seventy years of therapy?
- Dr. Nussbaum: You're never gonna change, you... you will never have this! (Shows him a cube with pictures of his family)
- Mr. Burns: A cheap piece of plastic with photos of ugly people?
- Dr. Nussbaum: That is my family, people who love me!
- Mr. Burns: Yes. You're right. I should consider encasing people in plastic. Then I could always see the look of fear in their faces! (chuckles)
- Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah, we're finished here. Get out!
- Mr. Burns: May I remind you I'm paying you five dollars an hour?
- Dr. Nussbaum: Oh! Why did I lock in at that rate?
- Mr. Burns: (next to Dr. Nussbaum's body) Hmm. No pulse. Oh, wait, that's me! (grabs the doctor's pulse) Dead. So sad. He was a true friend. (marks "Outlive all friends" on his bucket list) Excellent!
- Marge: I can't believe Dr. Nussbaum's dead.
- Lisa: Uh... We've had a lot of therapists and... Which one was he again?
- Marge: He was the one who helped us communicate.
- Maggie: (While everyone on the family is fighting) Maggie talk! Maggie talk!! No one listen? Maggie never talk again! (puts her pacifier back on)
- Mr. Burns: Stoned. At a funeral.
- Otto: Ooh wow! Where's the funeral?
- Smithers: I... I didn't mean to hit him, sir.
- Mr. Burns: Well, how could a man in his right mind miss a car heading right towards him? (Smithers pushes Burns out of the way of a truck)
- Truck Driver: Idiot!
- Mr. Burns: (testing the Oculus Frink) Hmm... Not bad. Next?
- Smithers: This is still a new technology, sir, at the moment it's really just lots of... pornography, a roller coaster, pornography, pornography, Burger King ad, pornography, and and this one.
- Smithers: Oh, sorry, sir. This one is also pornography!
- Smithers: Uh, sir, if I might suggest, the last thing your therapist said was, "You need a family".
- Mr. Burns: : I don't need anyone! (trips on the wires)
- Smithers: We could program a virtual family for you, sir.
- Mr. Burns: A virtual family... Yes!
- (the Spucklers goes on stage with all of his children)
- Smithers: Uh... we only need three children, thanks.
- Cletus: Oh, what kind of coal mine you runnin'!?
- (the Van Houten go on stage)
- Mr. Burns: You! Wife! Look at me lovingly, as if I'm your husband! (Luann looks at Mr. Burns angrily)
- Kirk: Eh... Can you ask for a look of indifference? I think she can do that! Luann, pretend it's my birthday.
- Mr. Burns: Next.
- Milhouse: You promised me a job, Dad! I was gonna buy a fat Barbie!
- Kirk: It's Curvy Barbie. And that would mean you have to buy all new clothes!
- (the Simpsons go on stage)
- Homer: Uh... this thing says all families in the plant are required to try out.
- Mr. Burns: So far so good. Two-and-a-half children, wife with current hairstyle. You're all hired! Except you, fatso. We don't need a father, I'll be the rooster in this henhouse!
- Homer: That is so disappointing. I've always wanted to work for Mr. Burns.
- Lenny: What's the matter Homer?
- Homer: Last night, Marge and the kids didn't get home till eleven at night. When I came back from Moe's at eleven o'five, they were still taking off their coats!
- Carl: I hear old man Burns is just living in a fantasy world now.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, that was wonderful. I'm picking up your ten-year options!
- Marge: Ten years?!
- Mr. Burns: Oh, now, now, no discussion. We're a family now! (Maggie tries to hug Mr. Burns) Ugh! What is that!? A river otter?
- Marge: (on the phone with Homer) We're not coming home, Homie.
- Homer: What? What do I do without you here?
- Marge: You can do what you did with me there: Go to Moe's.
- Homer: Uh, it's not the same if I'm not trying to avoid some unpleasant chore.
- Marge: Oh. You could clean out the attic...
- Homer: Going to Moe's! (hangs up)
- Homer: (while laying down naked on the roof) Ah, Snoopy knew what he was doing, all right.
- Julia: How you doing?
- Homer: Aah!!
- Julia: Don't worry, I've seen you naked plenty of times. I live in the house behind yours.
- Homer: (stands up and hides his crotch with a Frisbee) I don't think my wife would like this.
- Julia: Hey, I got a boyfriend. And you're not my type!
- Ned: (from his house) Could you both keep it down? I'm trying to count pennies!
- Julia: Pft! Stupid Flanders.
- Ned: Oh! You made me lose count! (Homer and Julia laugh)
- Julia: Homer, it looks like you're out of beer, pal! (Throws a beer can to him)
- Homer: (catches the beer can with the Frisbee and hides his crotch with a toy rocket) Wow! Can a man just be friends with a woman?
- Julia: Here are some pretzels! (Throws a bag of pretzels to him)
- Homer: (drops the toy rocket and grabs the pretzels) Yes he can!!
- Julia: (gives a beer can to Homer) Have one. I'm celebrating. My boyfriend proposed!
- Homer: Wow! You'll get to enjoy the most magical part of married life: the beginning.
- Homer: So uh... Where's the lucky guy?
- Julia: Gone for the weekend. He's an airline pilot.
- Homer: Maybe he and I can go out for beers before a flight.
- Julia: Mmm. Where's your wife?
- Homer: Uh... She's staying at this billionaire's house working as a virtual reality actress. You know, the usual.
- Marge: Oh, Homer? Something's going on with Homer! My spousal sense is tingling.
- Lisa: Mom, you blew the take!
- Mr. Burns: Okay, that's it. I'll direct, and I'll show you how a pro does it. (points at Lisa) You! daughter character, say you love me!!
- Lisa: (flatly) I love you.
- Mr. Burns: Like you mean it!
- Lisa: (flatly) I really love you.
- Mr. Burns: Once more, with feeling!
- Lisa: (flatly) I... really... love... you. Blech.
- Mr. Burns: This girl has no chops whatsoever!
- Lisa: The existence of my chops is not for the likes of yo to ascertain, my good sir.
- Mr. Burns: Would you like some eggs with that ham?
- Carl: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa!! Looks like the old make-out king's got a new queen, huh?
- Homer: Guys, we're just friends, It's purely catatonic.
- Julia: Platonic.
- Homer: That means she's into me, but I'm keeping it cool.
- Julia: I like you, but that's not what it means.
- Homer: Sure, right. (winks)
- Mr. Burns: Everyone out! You're all fired!! Having a family is the most meaningless experience I could imagine.
- Lisa: Try acting.
- Marge: Come on, kids.
- Bart: I'm taking my bathrobe!
- Mr. Burns: There's a dye pack stitched in. (Smithers pops the dye pack, painting the bathrobe blue)
- Bart: Joke's on you, I like this better! (leaves)
- Mr. Burns: Oh go ahead, take your robe! But you'll never work in single-viewer virtual reality family melodrama again!!
- Homer: Hey guys! It's good to see you!
- Marge: Hmm. Good to see you. Who were you talking to?
- Homer: My friend Julia.
- Lisa: Juli-a? Like a girl?
- Homer: She's not a girl, she's three years younger than your mother! (Marge grunts) Now, Marge, it's cool! All we do is share our deepest thoughts and feelings.
- Marge: Mm hmm. Kids, could you leave the room, please? (the kids turn around) Faster!
- Homer: You'll never hear the name Julia again.
- Julia: (enters the house) Hi, I'm Julia! (Marge grunts) I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you you've got a great husband.
- Marge: I've got a nice bicycle too, but I keep a lock on it!!
- Julia: I have no interest in... riding... your bike. But I want you to know that your bike loves you as truly as a bike can.
- Homer: And Marge, I love you as much as that bike.
- Julia: You are the bike.
- Homer: Wha!? (Julia leaves)
- Marge: I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Apparently, you didn't do anything wrong. But I'm not wrong for getting mad at you either!!
- Homer: Marge, Julia taught me lots of stuff that could help us. For example, I realize that when you see me doing something stupid and you don't say anything about it, you know, and you're just being nice.
- Marge: That's true.
- Homer: And when something's bothering you, sometimes I should just say, "I understand" instead of trying to fix it, because all you really need is someone to know what you're feeling.
- Marge: That is really, really lovely. (they kiss each other)
- Julia: I have to confess, I did see him naked on the roof.
- Julia's Fiancée: I did too, and I was at ten thousand feet!