|Friend with Benefit||
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- Lisa: Magic Club! Join the Magic Club! Want to cut up a banana without peeling it? Join and (in a spooky tone) I'll tell you how! It's with a needle and thread!!
- Harper: I like magic. I'm going to take one of your cards. (takes one of them and performs a magic trick, making the cards multiply) Or did I take 52?
- Lisa: (gasps) Do you want to join? You could be president! Just man the booth, I need to go to the bathroom.
- Harper: I'd love to join. Honestly, this is the only booth that doesn't creep me out. (looks at Ralph's Hug Club)
- Ralph: Hug me! Hug me! (Principal Skinner puts a "Warning, Do not hug" sign on him) Hug me!
- Harper: I'm Harper. Just moved here. Trying to make friends.
- Lisa: Lisa. Always been here. Trying to make friends. (they laugh)
- Groundskeeper Willie: Well, I've got news for all of your clubs! it's 3 p.m, so Willie's turnin' on the sprinklers! (turns the sprinklers on, scaring all the kids)
- Homer: Lisa, the crowdfunding video you co-starred is causing a lot of problems!
- Lisa: The what-what I what-whatted in?
- (Homer and Lisa are talking about the show on their way back home)
- Homer: Wow. Mike's daughter seems pretty great.
- Lisa: Yeah, but it was weird! First she was nice to me, but then when the band came she wouldn't let me say a word! (Homer pulls up the car)
- Homer: Uh... Listen sweetie. Let me tell you a fact of life. The world is full of wonderful, priceless experiences, and I can't give you any of them. But this girl can! So it doesn't matter if she talks to you, looks at you or is disrespectful to your father... She is your best friend!
- Lisa: Hmm... I don't know... (gets a message on her cellphone) Huh, Harper just invited us to go see David Copperfield.
- Homer: Oh, my God!! That's something only tourists in Vegas get to do!
- Homer: (After watching the David Copperfield show with Harper and her father) I'm so happy. (sighs) Marge, do you know what it's like to have a man take care of your every need?
- Marge: I've thought about it a lot, but no.
- Bart: (to Lisa) How come you're so quiet? Did he switched your brain with a rabbit's? 'Cause that means somewhere there is one annoying rabbit.
- Lisa: Shut up! I just keep thinking about the way Harper cut me off. It's kind of weird.
- Homer: Yeah... that was kind of weird. I'd have said something for sure but my mouth was full of truffle popcorn.
- Harper: Lisa, Lisa, wait! I'm so glad you guys are coming with us. So I got you a friendship present. (does a magic trick, making a bike appear) Ta-daa!
- Lisa: A new bike? Uh, that's so nice of you.
- Harper: 35 gears, Tiffany crystal bell. (rings the bell and a melodious chime plays) And the latest anti-theft device. (mounts the bike)
- Anti-Theft device: You're not Lisa Simpson.
- Chief Wiggum: Okay, what's the story? This we show up for.
- Lisa: Harper, this bike is wonderful. Too wonderful. It just wouldn't be right for me to accept it.
- Harper: You'd rather have your crappy bike?
- Lisa: Look, Harper, this may be crappy, but it's my bike. My dad assembled it on Christmas day, which is why I have to pedal backwards to go forwards, but still, I love this!
- Harper: Uh, I didn't realize getting you the best bike you ever saw would make you so mad.
- Lisa: I'm not mad, I just think this is... (gets interrupted by Harper)
- Harper: Just what? Don't appreciate what I did for you?
- Lisa: Why do you always interrupt me like that? That's not how friends a... (gets interrupted once again)
- Harper: Uh, I think I know how friends are! (Lisa and Harper start talking simultaneously)
- Harper: (at the same time as Lisa) I could've been friends with anybody. Janey, Sherri, Terri, Hubert Wong, Wendy Wang. That girl with freckles only on one side of her face!!
- Lisa: (at the same time as Harper) How would you like it if I interrupted you all the time? You wouldn't like it all, would you? No, you wouldn't! Interrupt, interrupt, interrupt, interrupt! Could you please, just for once, not interrupt me?!
- Milhouse: Whoa, sweet bike.
- Lisa and Harper: You can have it!
- Milhouse: Even sweeter. As soon as I put some training wheels on this, I'll be the coolest kid ever.(takes the bike away, but it picks up too much speed) Wow!! Too fast!
- (Homer and Bart are mad at Lisa on her room because she "ruined" their trip to the island)
- Bart: You owe me a Caribbean vacation, Lisa! St. Croix or better.
- Homer: Lisa, sweetie, I just want to understand: You got in a fight with her because she tried to give you a new bike?!
- Lisa: But she was so condescending!
- Bart: Yeah, she was "kinda sending" you a new bike!
- Lisa:Can you all please get out of my room? (Bart and Homer leave the room)
- (the Simpsons are on a private jet coming back from Mike's private island)
- Lisa: Dad, what you said was really nice. And believe me, we're much better-off off that island!
- Homer: I know! (looks down saying goodbye to the things on the island) goodbye crystal clear lagoon. Good riddance pink sand beach. Goodbye swim-up movie theater that was going to show Back to the Future! Goodbye sweet liquors that didn't let Marge know I was drunk. Goodbye snorkeling and jet-skying and other things I never tried. Goodbye obese natives that made me feel fit. Goodbye Bart... Bart!? (looks at Bart, who's on a beach with "So long suckers" written with seashells)