Moe: [After seeing Queen Elizabeth I half-naked] Whoah, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again!
King Julio of Spain: Usually I love seeing flaming dreamboats headed my way, but not like this, baby! NOT LIKE THIS!
Queen Elizabeth I: [After trying smoking] If I ever have sex, this would be great afterwards!
Lenny: [referring to the tiny ship models in the table] This is the Spanish Armada, some of the finest ships ever made.
King Julio: Excellent! Now, take me to the real ones.
Lenny: These are the real ones! [moves the Spanish Armada from Spain to England on the map using a stick] Watch out, England. [in British accent] No! Have mercy! [switches back to real voice] Never.
King Julio: Guards! Take him to the dungeon and put things inside of him.
Guard: Nice things?
King Julio: No, not nice things!
Queen Elizabeth I: [to Sir Walter Raleigh] Don't you know that I love you? I've always loved you!
Lady Marge: [confused and repulsed] Um, who are you talking to?
Queen Elizabeth I: Both! Neither! Oh, what difference does it make?
Snow White Segment
HDTV: You would do in a pinch, my Queen, but Snow White's the fairest I have seen. Also, there's a weather girl on Channel 9 who's whee-hee-hee!
Groundskeeper Willie: [about to cut out Snow White's heart] I... I... I cannot do it! Run, lassie! Find wee little men, and hide with them! [Snow White flees and Plopper the Pig walk in] Now to fool the Queen with a pig's heart! [He raises his knife] I... I... I cannot do it! [picks up a piece of red construction paper as Plopper flees] Maybe I'll cut her a heart out of construction paper... I... I... I cannot do it!
Snow White: [trying out three different beds] This bed's too hard! This one's too soft! And this bed is just... like the first one! Also too hard! I guess I'll sleep in the one that's too soft.
Queen: [surrounded by and about to be torn apart by the forest animals] Ooh, Herbivores! I'm sooo scared... aaah!
Dwarfs: Ho-hi, ho-hi! It's time to say goodbye! If Disney sues, we'll claim fair use, ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi!
Queen: [handing Groundskeeper Willie a box shaped like a heart] Bring me Snow White's heart in this box.
Groundskeeper Willie: What am I going to do with the rest of the body?
Queen: [referring to a child-sized box made to look like Snow White] Put it in this box! Then you'll get your reward. [Eyes move to adult-sized box made to look like Groundskeeper Willie]