|Four Great Women and a Manicure||
Queen Elizabeth I Segment
- Moe: [After seeing Queen Elizabeth I half-naked] Whoah, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again!
- King Julio of Spain: Usually I love seeing flaming dreamboats headed my way, but not like this, baby! NOT LIKE THIS!
- Queen Elizabeth I: [After trying smoking] If I ever have sex, this would be great afterwards!
- Lenny: [referring to the tiny ship models in the table] This is the Spanish Armada, some of the finest ships ever made.
- King Julio: Excellent! Now, take me to the real ones.
- Lenny: These are the real ones! [moves the Spanish Armada from Spain to England on the map using a stick] Watch out, England. [in British accent] No! Have mercy! [switches back to real voice] Never.
- King Julio: Guards! Take him to the dungeon and put things inside of him.
- Guard: Nice things?
- King Julio: No, not nice things!
- Queen Elizabeth I: [to Sir Walter Raleigh] Don't you know that I love you? I've always loved you!
- Lady Marge: [confused and repulsed] Um, who are you talking to?
- Queen Elizabeth I: Both! Neither! Oh, what difference does it make?
Snow White Segment
- HDTV: You would do in a pinch, my Queen, but Snow White's the fairest I have seen. Also, there's a weather girl on Channel 9 who's whee-hee-hee!
- Groundskeeper Willie: [about to cut out Snow White's heart] I... I... I cannot do it! Run, lassie! Find wee little men, and hide with them! [Snow White flees and Plopper the Pig walk in] Now to fool the Queen with a pig's heart! [He raises his knife] I... I... I cannot do it! [picks up a piece of red construction paper as Plopper flees] Maybe I'll cut her a heart out of construction paper... I... I... I cannot do it!
- Snow White: [trying out three different beds] This bed's too hard! This one's too soft! And this bed is just... like the first one! Also too hard! I guess I'll sleep in the one that's too soft.
- Queen: [surrounded by and about to be torn apart by the forest animals] Ooh, Herbivores! I'm sooo scared... aaah!
- Dwarfs: Ho-hi, ho-hi! It's time to say goodbye! If Disney sues, we'll claim fair use, ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi!
- Queen: [handing Groundskeeper Willie a box shaped like a heart] Bring me Snow White's heart in this box.
- Groundskeeper Willie: What am I going to do with the rest of the body?
- Queen: [referring to a child-sized box made to look like Snow White] Put it in this box! Then you'll get your reward. [Eyes move to adult-sized box made to look like Groundskeeper Willie]
- Lenny dwarf: There's someone in our house!
- Crabby dwarf: Let's put a pickaxe in its brain!
- Lenny: You're in marketing! Why do you even bring an axe?
- Crabby dwarf: If you were in marketing, you'd know.
Lady Macbeth segment
- Homer: [referring to Shakespeare, while killing Mel] Well if you see him in Heaven... tell him he sucks!
- Homer: (as Macbeth) Stars, hide your fires. Hide your dark, deep desires. Out, out brief candle! Life is just a walking shadow, a player who walks his hours upon the stage and is heard no more.
- Homer: [After shooting himself] Me reading all those plays would be the real tragedy.
- [He's content with being lazy and Marge is once more frustrated with him.]
- Homer: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...today's Tuesday, so that would make it Friday...Shakespeare!
- Selma: Forget it!
- Patty: You don't know your lines!
- Homer: [reading from a script hidden in his jacket] Conrad Birdie! Coming here to Sweet Apple!
- Selma: That's "Bye Bye, Birdie!"
- Homer: [reading from another script] Dammit, Morpheus! Not everyone believes what you believe.
- Patty: That's the screenplay for "The Matrix Reloaded"!
- Homer: D'oh!
Maggie Roarke Segment
- Mr. Toohey: Mediocrity rules!