- (Homer puts Maggie to bed)
- Marge: Did you put the baby to sleep? (Maggie wakes up)
- Homer: D'oh!
- Homer: (Maggie is pointing at a book) Oh... I can't read that again. I hate to see a wolf get punished for having normal appetites.
- Homer: Okay, sweetie, I got a story about another little girl who got lost in the woods, but it wasn't a girl, and it wasn't the woods. (Maggie sucks her pacifier) Suck suck indeed! And it all happened once upon a time, before you were born, and my chances for a man cave went out the window.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Bless you all for sacrificing your Saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row.
- Homer: When God came for Sunday I said nothing. Now he comes for Saturday!
- Ned: Homer Simpson, it's one thing to moan and groan on the bus, but in front of these unfortunates, well... (scoffs) that just curls my 'stache! (his mustache curls a bit)
- Homer: Hey, Flanders, why don't you take some advice from your Bible and zip it?
- Ned: Oh, where does the Bible say "zip it"?
- Homer: It's the first thing the burning bush said to Moses! (a homeless man approaches Homer)
- Homeless Man: Thank you for teaching us Scripture. (hugs Homer while he shows his tongue to Ned) Thank you.
- Homer: (to Marge) If Flanders gets so annoying that I can't take it anymore, the code word is "octopus".
- Marge: Ooh, It's like Disneyland for thin people.
- Homer: (Looking at the Canyon) Wow! And they say we're running out of room for our garbage.
- (The Flanders are trying to sleep, but Homer was loudly snoring)
- Rod: Daddy, when will the noise stop?
- Ned: Hmm. Take these. (gives two objects to Rod and Todd, which the boys eat) Ugh, Those were earplugs! (Rod and Todd groan)
- Homer: Wow, I never thought there'd be something I'd want to stare at longer than that car wreck on the way here.
- Marge: We've got to hurry before they run out of mules.
- Homer: Ooh. Is that what they're serving for breakfast? (Marge groans) How about donkeys?
- Marge: No!
- Homer: Now let's do my favorite thing: go downhill.
- Tour Guide: Whoa! You're... 180?
- Homer: My blood pressure is.
- Tour Guide: Okay... Uh... let's get you a mule, dude.
- Homer: This has got to be the most beautiful thing we've ever stole from the Indians.
- Lisa: Can I name my mule?
- Tour Guide: We prefer you don't.
- Lisa: Is there a name for this trail?
- Tour Guide: I'm sure there is.
- Lisa: Is this a fun job?
- Tour Guide: Not at the moment.
- Lisa: Do you count as a grownup?
- Tour Guide: My parents don't think so.
- Lisa: You're a grownup to me.
- Tour Guide: Thanks. (Grabs a rock and gives it to Lisa) Here, have a piece of the canyon.
- Lisa: Are you sure it's okay?
- Tour Guide: Hey, it only makes the canyon grander.
- Ned: (Leaving the Gran Cañón church) Hmm... A little Popish for my taste, but I did come here for adventure.
- Homer: Geez, Flanders! You find God in everything.
- Ned: God is in everything! He's omnipresent!
- Homer: You mean, if I check into the Omni Hotel right now, he's there?
- Ned: As a matter of fact, he is.
- Homer: Then, from now on, we're staying at the Hyatt Regency!
- Bart: You're banned there, Dad.
- Homer: Not as Hagwar Swanson!
- Homer: Aah! Big Maggie!
- Ned: How is that even camping?
- Homer: "It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven."
- Ned: (sighs) Sometimes I just don't get it.
- Homer: What I'm saying is, the eye of the needle is very small, and a camel...
- Ned: No. I mean down there! they have everything we need to survive, but they won't share.
- Homer: We've got to go in and steal what we need!
- Ned: Well, thou shalt not steal. But if I don't steal, that's coveting! That's bad too.
- Homer: Look, Flanders, we tried things your way, and it failed. Now let's try mine.
- Ned: Okay. W... Wait! We never did things my way!
- Homer: (voice fading away) Too late I'm already rolling downhill!
- Marge: Tablecloths!
- Maude: Caviar!
- Lisa: Bacon! (eats the bacon) Bacon.
- (Maggie looks at Homer confused)
- Homer: No, this was before Lisa was a vegetarian.
- Lisa: That's right! I had the arteries of a twenty year old.