- Patty: They say everyone can float in the Dead Sea, but Selma sank right to the bottom.
- (The burning ashes of Patty's cigarette lights Homer's drink ablaze and Homer blows the flame out and then takes a sip)
- Homer: I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.
- Mayor Quimby: Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day!
- Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day.
- Mayor Quimby: It can be two things!
- [Mrs. Krabappel's class is talking about inventors that they admire]
- Martin: So the next time you'll use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank Mr. A. J. P. Martin! [a few students clap]
- Mrs. Krabappel: Oh! Brilliant, Martin. Brilliant! Once again, you've wrecked the grading curve. Oh, I pity the poor student who has to follow you. [reads her list of students who are up next for the presentation] Bart Simpson, you're next.
- [Bart stands up, takes a brown bag with him to the front, and places it on a chair]
- Bart: "The Inventor I Admire", by Bart Simpson. The inventor I admire is not a rich man, or a famous man, or even a smart man. [takes out a photo of Homer] He's my father, Homer Simpson; [places photo on the floor and reaches back in the bag] Creator of, dun dun dun dun! [takes a blender out of the bag] The Flaming Homer!
- Moe: The Flaming Moe is not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink? (everyone in the tavern spits out their drinks) Uh, figure of speech.
- Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be.
- [Wanda lets a drop of wax fall from a candle and into a bowl of water, and sees that the wax is shaped like a mop]
- Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.
- Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!
- Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan.
- Lisa: The wax never lies.
- Homer: What is it, boy?
- Bart: Mmph. Mmph. Mmph.
- Homer: Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
- Bart: [takes a pad and writes: "Say my name."]
- Homer: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
- Bart: Because I'm jinxed, dammit!
- [Homer punches him in the arm]
- Bart: Ow! What was that for?
- Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm! Sorry, it's the law! Heh heh.
- Homer: What's the matter, Moe?
- Moe: Oh, business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
- Homer: Could I get a beer?
- Moe: Oh yeah, sure. [gets a mug and uses the taps, but only a couple droplets of beer get into the mug] Oh sorry, I forgot we're out of beer.
- Homer: Aaaaaah!
- Moe: Oh, I know, I got behind on my beer payment, the distributor cut me off, and I spent my last $10 grand on the love tester. (Homer sucks the taps) You're too late, Homer. Barney sucked it dry. He cut his gums up pretty bad.
- Homer: [about the "Flaming Homer"] I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle. In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kids' cough syrup. [mixes them in the blender, pours a glass, and gulps it down; He then waves his hand in front of his face] It passed the first test: I didn't go blind.
- Moe: [after he drinks the "Flaming Homer"] Wow, Homer! It's like there's a party in my mouth and everybody's invited!
- Homer: Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps.
- [When Bart brings a "Flaming Moe" to school]
- Nelson: The "Flaming Homer"? You mean, the "Flaming Moe"! And your dad didn't invent it, you wuss! Moe the bartender did!
- Mrs. Krabappel: Yes, everyone knows that.
- Bart: It's not true! My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate... [reaches into bag and grabs out two liquor bottles]
- Mrs. Krabappel: (gasps) Bart, are those liquor bottles?
- Bart: Brought enough for everybody.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teachers' lounge! You can have what's left at the end of the day.
- Kent Brockman: [on TV] Next on Eye on Springfield, a toast to Moe: the Wizard of Walnut Street.
- [Homer angrily perks up upon hearing Moe's name, picks up the remote, and points it at the TV]
- Moe: The "Flaming Moe" dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the czar. [Homer angrily turns off the TV]
- [When Homer and Marge visit Lionel Hutz]
- Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
- Lionel Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
- Homer: Oh!
- Lionel Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that? I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
- Homer: [grumbles] Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...
- Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
- Homer: [in a sarcastic tone] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [leaves the room, slamming the door; pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [closes the door again]
- Marge: Well, duh!
- Homer: [to Moe] Where's that waitress of yours?
- Moe: Oh, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.
- Colette: What do you offer in the way of salary?
- Moe: Minimum wage and tips. Of course, there are fringe benefits.
- Colette: Such as?
- Moe: An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe.
- Colette: I'd prefer to take my vacation somewhere hot.
- [People in the tavern cheer]
- Moe: I like your moxie, kid! You're hired.
- Colette: You won't regret this.
- Moe: Methinks I shan't.
- [The telephone rings at Moe's]
- Moe: Uhp. Telephone. [picks up the phone] Flaming Moe's.
- Bart: Uh, yes. I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
- Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. (to crowd) Uh, Hugh Jass! D'oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
- (a man approaches Moe)
- Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
- Moe: Telephone.
- (Moe hands Hugh the phone)
- Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
- Bart: Uh, hi.
- Hugh: Who's this?
- Bart: Bart Simpson.
- Hugh: Oh, what can I do for you, Bart?
- Bart: Uh, look. I'll level with you, mister. This is a prank call that sorta backfired, and I'd like to bail it out right now.
- Hugh: All right, better luck next time. (hangs up and sighs) What a nice young man.
- Professor Frink: All right, according to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is...love?! Who's been screwing with this thing?!
- Steven Tyler: Hello, St. Loooooooouuuuuuiiiiiiiiis!
- Joe Perry: That's, Springfield, Steven.
- Steven Tyler: Yeah, right, right.
- Moe: Hey, Homer came up with the drink, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.
- Moe: Don't worry, I learned how to make plenty of drinks at bartending school. (reading off an old mixed drink recipe list) Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?
- Homer: (sees Maggie, who is all glamed up thanks to Lisa and her friends) That's it, I'm out of here.
- (As Homer enters the now popular Moe's Tavern, Homer accidentally bumps into Mrs. Krabappel. He then looks at her and notices that she is wearing heavy makeup and a bikini top)
- Mrs. Krabappel: Hiya, scrumptious. Do you want to ignite my drink?
- Homer: You're my kid's teacher!
- Mrs. Krabappel: Single parent, are we?
- Homer: No!
- Mrs. Krabappel: (hugs his back with one hand and suggestively touches his belly and then his chin with the other one) Well, let's pretend we are...
- Homer: Get away from me! (shoves her away and walks off)
- (Mrs. Krabappel lies down on the bed in Aerosmith's trailer)
- Joey Kramer: Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks.
- Mrs. Krabappel: (lasciviously plays with the drumsticks and then talks with a passionate voice) Come and get 'em. (puts one of them in her mouth)
- Moe: Jeepers, Mary, and Joseph! Sleep with a chick once and it costs me half a million bananas!
- Colette: Barkeep, I couldn't help noticing your sign.
- Moe: What, the one that says "Bartenders do it till you barf"?
- Homer: Moe...Moe...Moe.
- Marge: Bart, are you going to Moe the lawn today?
- Bart: Okay, but you promised me Moe money.
- Marge: I Moe, I Moe!
- Homer: Moe...Moe...Moe.
- Lisa: When Bart's done, can we Moe to the Moevies? There's a Moetinee.
- Marge: Of course, all work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.
- Bart: Moemomoemoe?
- Marge: Momomoemoe!
- Lisa: Moememoemoemoe!
- Bart: Momomomoe.
- Maggie: Moe.