Brother Faith: Okay, moving on! I need someone with the power!! [to Bart] This golden-haired little boy. [holds Bart beside Homer]Son, lay hands upon your father's burdensome bucket. [Bart puts his hands in the bucket] Now proclaim, I have the power!!
Milhouse: That's okay, you can just heal me again, right?
Bart: Oh, I don't think I can.
Milhouse: Ple-ease? This cast is real itchy and I tried to scratch and the fork got stuck in there and I think there was some food on the fork. [Bart looks and sees ants crawling up Milhouse's bandaged arm]
Bart: Ugh. Okay, I'll see what I can do. [Bart puts his hands on Milhouse's bandaged arm] Heal... heal.... [Milhouse's vital signs monitor makes a flatline sound]
Milhouse: Oh, it always does that. [Milhouse thumps his chest and the monitor is back to normal] Ugh!
Bart: Milhouse, I can't help you; I am no healer. [Bart leaves Milhouse's room]
Milhouse: Could you tell my mom I'm here?
Bart: Excuse me, Brother Faith. I got to know: how did you really get the bucket off my dad's head?
Brother Faith: Well, I didn't, son, you did. God gave you the power.
Bart: Really? Hm, I would think he would want to limit my power.
Brother Faith: [chuckles] Oh, yes, Lord. When I was your age, I was a hell-raiser, too. My slingshot was my cross. But I saw the light and changed my wicked ways.
Bart: I figure I'll go for the life of sin, followed by the presto change-o deathbed repentance.
Brother Faith: Wow, that's a good angle. But that's not God's angle! Why not spend your life helping people instead? Then you're also covered in case of sudden death.
Bart: Full coverage, hmm...
Homer [hums to himself, chuckles while putting super glue in a bucket]: Oh, this is going to be so great.
Campus Cop 1: I think I know that guy. He ran over the dean five years ago. Punch up that picture! [The other campus cop adjusts the monitor, showing Homer swallowing a goldfish]
Campus Cop 1: All right, now age the picture five years. [The other campus cop adjusts the picture, showing Homer with a beard, swallowing a goldfish skeleton]
Campus Cop 1: That's him, good work. Now let's see who's having sex at the library.
Campus Cop 2 [gets a scrambled picture]: Aw, they scrambled it.
Homer [hums]: Doo-doo-doo-doo...
Homer: So, when Dean Peterson opens his door, this bucket of super glue is gonna drop right on his head.
Homer [opens Dean Peterson's door, only for another bucket of super glue to fall on his head]: What the-- ? [grunts] Oh, real original! Who did this?
Kappa Gamma Tau #1: Kappa Gamma Tau!
Kappa Gamma Tau #2: Last in grades, first in pranks! [They run off laughing]
Dean Peterson: Good evening, gentlemen.
Homer: Oh, that's it! You're through, Dean! [Homer charges at the dean, only to run into a statue of the University's founder] Now, who's the dean?
Bart [grunts as he tries to remove the bucket from Homer's head]: Oh, sorry Dad, it just won't budge.
Marge: I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat, but your father kept eating it.
Homer: Oh, couldn't you try a non-delicious fat? [cries] Oh, there's no such thing!
Dr. Hibbert: Hmm... I'm afraid it's hopeless. Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man.
Marge: So, he's stuck like this forever?
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, now don't fret. These days, the victims of comedy traumas, or "traumedies", can still lead rich, full lives. [Dr. Hibbert pulls up the venetian blinds to reveal a cowboy drinking water, which leaks through holes in his body, a man with a bulldog stuck to his rear walking on a treadmill, and a man with a swordfish in his body reading a book, the guy with a swordfish says "Hi."]
Dr. Hibbert [chuckles]: Oh, sorry, but these guys crack me up.
Homer [sadly]: What guys? I want to see the freaks.
Bart: "Brother Faith's Revival" ?
Female announcer: Pray for the healing love of... Brother Faith!
Brother Faith [comes down on a cloud-shaped platform]: Woo, good Lord! [The crowd cheers] Oh, I feel it in my belly now, Springfield. Mmph! Can you feel the power?
Brother Faith: Do you want to be saved?
Brother Faith: Now correct me if I'm incorrect, but was I told that it's untrue that people of Springfield have no faith? Was I not misinformed?
[The crowds murmur in confusion]
Brother Faith: The answer I'm looking for is "Yes".
Brother Faith [singing]: Now let's hear it for the Holy Spirit, no need to fear it, just revere it, He works in Heaven, that's 24 - 7, that's right! Check the Bible, yeah, John 2:11, Jump back, feel it, feel it, woo!
Bart [sings as he removes Milhouse's glasses] : Now you'll get the girls you seek!
Sherri, Terri: We'll see you at Make-out Creek! [They kiss Milhouse]
Revival tent congregation chorus [sings]: Bart's the boy of the hour, he's got the power!
Moe, Lenny, Carl [singing]: So raise your voice and don't be shy,
Tent congregation: Testi-, testi-,
Bart [sings]: Tes-ti-fyyy!
Tent congregation [singing]: Testify, testify, come on up and testify! [song ends]
Game Announcer: Whoa Nellie, we have ourselves a barn burner today! Welcome to the 117th dust-up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A&M and the Springfield University Nittany Tide. Oh-ho doctor, break out the hickory switch.
Homer [barbecuing at the stadium]: Okay, who needs another lamb rack? [Marge and Bart wave, indicating that they have enough food] Lisa, ham hock, tri-tip?
Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.
[the halftime pistol goes off]
Game Announcer: Now, ladies and gentlemen, pour a little cider on those peepers, 'cause here comes the halftime parade!
Homer [gasps]: I forgot my float! Quick, pass me down! [Benjamin, Doug and Gary help Homer get to the playing field; Homer giggles as the crowd passes him down]
Marge: Ooh, there's a homecoming parade, a cocktail party....
Homer: Then the homecoming game between Springfield U, and Springfield A&M. [grudgingly] I hate Springfield U. so much!