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Faith Off/Quotes

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Little Big Mom
Faith Off
The Mansion Family
[Homer is making his float and decorating it with flowers. Ned watches from a distance.]
Ned: Why, you just picked all my flowers.
Homer: You can't make a float without flowers.
Ned: Sure, but did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again? [holds up a handful of salt. Homer laughs.]

Homer: [to Brother Faith] Cure me! Cure me!
Brother Faith: Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
Homer: Yeah, and I got a bucket on my head.
Brother Faith: [Tries to take pull the bucket out of Homer's head] Oh. My, Satan really jammed that thing on good!! I'm gonna need a holy helper. Someone who believes... [Looks at Lisa]
Lisa: (crosses her arms end legs) No.
Brother Faith: Okay, moving on! I need someone with the power!! [to Bart] This golden-haired little boy. [holds Bart beside Homer] Son, lay hands upon your father's burdensome bucket. [Bart puts his hands in the bucket] Now proclaim, I have the power!!
Bart: [meekly] I have the power.
Brother Faith: Oh, say it like you mean it, boy! I... have... the power!!
Bart: I have the power!! [Bart successfully pulls the bucket off Homer's head. Everyone gasps]
Homer: I see the light! It burns!!!
Brother Faith: Alleluia!! Behold, this child has the power!

[first lines]
Homer: [sorting through the mail] Bill, bill, oooh, "Llib"! Eh, wait a minute, bill! Huh? "Springfield University Homecoming"? Finally, a chance to relive my golden college years.
Lisa: Dad, you only took one course.
Homer: Remember my love affair with Ali McGraw? She used to call me preppy, then she died.

Milhouse [without his glasses]: Thank you, Bart, for fixing my vision. Now I see with total precision.
Bart: Song's over, Milhouse, but you're welcome. [Milhouse starts humming to himself as he goes strolling, unaware that he's about to walk into the street]
Milhouse: Nice doggie. [A moving van accidentally knocks Milhouse down and leaves him unconscious; the driver stops the van]
Bart: Milhouse!!
Milhouse [half-consciously]: Bury me at Make-Out Creek. [Milhouse passes out]

Lisa: Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.
Bart: Number of miracles performed by Bart: two. Number performed by Lisa: zero.
Lisa: How can you believe all this mumbo-jumbo? The bucket came off Dad's head because the bright lights heated it, causing the metal to expand.
Bart: [scoffing] "Heat makes metal expand". Now who's talking mumbo-jumbo?

Fat Tony: I wagered a large sum on the performance of that scholar-athlete. [Fat Tony takes out an ice pick with a laser pointer and aims it at Homer's heart]
Homer [sobbing]: No, wait, I got a kid who's a miracle worker! He'll heal him up real good!
Fat Tony: Well, he'd better, or else.
Homer: "Or else" what? [Fat Tony aims his laser-pointer ice pick at Homer again] Oh, right, the ice pick.
Homer [runs to Bart's side after Anton Lubchenko is carried out on a stretcher]: Bart, I need a miracle!
Bart: Sorry Dad, I just can't magically cure a broken leg.
[Fat Tony appears on the Jumbo-Tron with his laser pointer icepick]
Homer: Eek! Please, Bart, you've got to use your powers! I'm begging you!

Dr. Hibbert [in the locker room with Lubchenko, Homer, and Bart; Lubchenko is moaning from the pain]: Son, I'm afraid that leg is... hanging by a thread.
Anton Lubchenko: Lubchenko must return to game!
Dr. Hibbert [chuckles] Oh, your playing days are over, my friend. But you can always fall back on your degree in... [Dr. Hibbert looks at Lubchenko's chart] Communications?! Oh, dear Lord!
Anton Lubchenko: I know, is phony major! [sobs] Lubchenko learn nothing, nothing!
Homer: Bart, do your thing.
Bart [gulps]: Okay God, if you did give me a power, let it work now-- not just for me, but for my dad. Heal, heal, heal! [Bart waves his fingers over Lubchenko's leg

Homer: My old dorm room. [in a sexy voice] Come on baby, let's matriculate.
Marge: [chuckles] You college boys are only interested in one thing.
[Homer and Marge kiss and moan passionately; Gary, Doug, and Benjamin enter the room]
Benjamin: Whoa-oa, you're supposed to hang your necktie on the doorknob if you got a girl in the room.
Doug: Or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl.
[Doug, Benjamin and Gary laugh]
Homer: My old roommates, the nerds! Aww... you working?
Doug: Oh my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge. [cough-utters the word "Cyborgs"]
Benjamin: I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet, one million times faster!
Marge: Does anybody need that much porno?
Homer: [drooling lustily]: Oh, one million times.

Bart: Then I said "I have the power", and the bucket came off.
Students: Cool! Wow!
Ralph: Can you heal me? I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy.
Bart: I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy. Devil begone! [Bart slaps Ralph on the forehead]
Ralph: Ow! [milk and a couple of coins come out of Ralph's nostrils] My milk money! And my milk.
Students: Eww.
Milhouse: You did it, Bart!
Nelson: He really does have the power! Go forth and spread the word! [The students look at each other with hesitation] Spread it!

Brother Faith: What affliction beplagues you, my friend?
[Krusty speaks with an untelligible, raspy voice]
Brother Faith: Come again?
Sideshow Mel: He paralyzed his vocal cords, cramming too many "K'" sounds into a punch line.
Brother Faith: Oh mercy, well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for -- [Brother Faith quickly turns around and suddenly strangles Krusty] Feel the power!
[Krusty gags]
Brother Faith: Release this clown!
Krusty: Have you gone completely farkakte? Hey, I got my comedy "K's" back! King Kong cold-cocked Kato Kaelin. Hey, you Gentiles are all right! [Krusty gives a congratulatory kiss to Brother Faith]

Bart: Three, two, one, pull!
[The kids pull an exterminator tent off of a house scheduled for fumigation]
Milhouse: That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting. [Milhouse coughs]
Bart: Hmm, maybe we should air it out a little.
[Ralph whimpers from the fumes]

Homer: [grunts] I can't come up with an idea for my homecoming float. Do it for me.
Lisa: What have you got so far?
Homer: [flips the paper pages with Moe in a grass skirt and coconut-shell bra, doing the hula] Look at Moe dance!
Homer: [sings to the tune of "Aloha Oe"] Aloha Moe,
Lisa: That's nice, but maybe your homecoming float should have something to do with college.
Homer: Yeah, you're right. [Homer erases the paper and draws Superman fighting Godzilla]
Lisa: I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman.
Homer: [scoffs] It's not to scale.

Milhouse: Okay, Springfield! How many of you are in horrible pain? [The crowd cheers]
Milhouse: Then put your souls together for Brother... Bart! [Bart enters the tent riding a skateboard and lands on the stage after a somersault leap]
Bart; Satan, eat my shorts! [The crowd cheers and applauds]
Bart: [sings as gospel music plays on the electronic organ] I was a sinner, a real bad kid, What thou shalt not, I shalt did, Neighbor's cat I tried to neuter, Took a whiz on the school computer,
Sherri, Terri: [singing] He took a whiz, oh yes he did.
Bart: [sings] But now I've changed, you can't deny, Come on up, and testify!
Sherri, Terri: [singing] Testify, testify, Come on up and testify.
Grampa: My hip's misbehaving.
Sherri, Terri: [singing] Testify!
Grampa: [Bart knocks Grampa's cane away] Hey!
Patty: I got a nicotine craving! [Bart slaps the cigarette out of Patty's mouth without touching her face]
Audience: [sings] Testify!
Professor Frink: There's a cramp in my glayvin! [Bart kicks Prof. Frink in his butt]
Audience: [singing] Testify!
Professor Frink: Oi!
Bart: [sings] Testify!
Grampa, Patty, Professor Frink: Testify! [Bart shoots off hand-held fireworks inside the tent]

Dean Peterson: And now, let's give a warm alumni welcome - um, you know, clapping - to Springfield U.'s All-American placekicker: Anton Lubchenko. [the crowd applauds]
Anton Lubchenko: In home country, growing up in filth, Lubchenko dreams to play USA football. On my father's deathbed, he made me promise to -
Dean Peterson: Ahem. [Dean Peterson motions for Lubchenko to wrap up his speech]
Anton Lubchenko: Long story short: Go Springfield U!
Dean Peterson: Yes, thank you, Anton. Now folks, a 7 and 5 football season doesn't come cheap, and this is a fundraiser.
[Homer shrieks]
Dean Peterson: Seal the exits. [The doors and windows are locked as the Dean starts collecting donations from the guests]
Dean Peterson: Thank you, thank you. Come on, hurry it up. All right now, let's empty our pockets.
Homer: [scoffingly] Make me.
Dean Peterson: Professor Rocco, Chancellor Knuckles, [Rocco and Knuckles start taking money out of Homer's pockets]
Homer [in a ticklish voice]: Wait, hey-hey, okay...
Dean Peterson: Get every dime. The Whifflesnuffs need new cummerbunds.
The Whifflesnuffs [singing]: We look like slobs. [Their cummerbunds break open]
Homer: I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money.
Benjamin: That dean is going to get an indignant e-mail.
Doug: You should do it with bold, red letters.
Gary: My computer has 512 shades of red.
Homer: Have you nerds forgotten everything I've taught you? This calls for a prank! I see... a bucket.

Bart [visiting Milhouse at Springfield General Hospital ]: Oh Milhouse, this is my fault; I'm so sorry.
Milhouse: That's okay, you can just heal me again, right?
Bart: Oh, I don't think I can.
Milhouse: Ple-ease? This cast is real itchy and I tried to scratch and the fork got stuck in there and I think there was some food on the fork. [Bart looks and sees ants crawling up Milhouse's bandaged arm]
Bart: Ugh. Okay, I'll see what I can do. [Bart puts his hands on Milhouse's bandaged arm] Heal... heal.... [Milhouse's vital signs monitor makes a flatline sound]
Milhouse: Oh, it always does that. [Milhouse thumps his chest and the monitor is back to normal] Ugh!
Bart: Milhouse, I can't help you; I am no healer. [Bart leaves Milhouse's room]
Milhouse: Could you tell my mom I'm here?

Bart: Excuse me, Brother Faith. I got to know: how did you really get the bucket off my dad's head?
Brother Faith: Well, I didn't, son, you did. God gave you the power.
Bart: Really? Hm, I would think he would want to limit my power.
Brother Faith: [chuckles] Oh, yes, Lord. When I was your age, I was a hell-raiser, too. My slingshot was my cross. But I saw the light and changed my wicked ways.
Bart: I figure I'll go for the life of sin, followed by the presto change-o deathbed repentance.
Brother Faith: Wow, that's a good angle. But that's not God's angle! Why not spend your life helping people instead? Then you're also covered in case of sudden death.
Bart: Full coverage, hmm...

Homer [hums to himself, chuckles while putting super glue in a bucket]: Oh, this is going to be so great.
Campus Cop 1: I think I know that guy. He ran over the dean five years ago. Punch up that picture! [The other campus cop adjusts the monitor, showing Homer swallowing a goldfish]
Campus Cop 1: All right, now age the picture five years. [The other campus cop adjusts the picture, showing Homer with a beard, swallowing a goldfish skeleton]
Campus Cop 1: That's him, good work. Now let's see who's having sex at the library.
Campus Cop 2 [gets a scrambled picture]: Aw, they scrambled it.
Homer [hums]: Doo-doo-doo-doo...
Homer: So, when Dean Peterson opens his door, this bucket of super glue is gonna drop right on his head.
Homer [opens Dean Peterson's door, only for another bucket of super glue to fall on his head]: What the-- ? [grunts] Oh, real original! Who did this?
Kappa Gamma Tau #1: Kappa Gamma Tau!
Kappa Gamma Tau #2: Last in grades, first in pranks! [They run off laughing]
Dean Peterson: Good evening, gentlemen.
Homer: Oh, that's it! You're through, Dean! [Homer charges at the dean, only to run into a statue of the University's founder] Now, who's the dean?

Bart [grunts as he tries to remove the bucket from Homer's head]: Oh, sorry Dad, it just won't budge.
Marge: I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat, but your father kept eating it.
Homer: Oh, couldn't you try a non-delicious fat? [cries] Oh, there's no such thing!

Dr. Hibbert: Hmm... I'm afraid it's hopeless. Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man.
Marge: So, he's stuck like this forever?
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, now don't fret. These days, the victims of comedy traumas, or "traumedies", can still lead rich, full lives. [Dr. Hibbert pulls up the venetian blinds to reveal a cowboy drinking water, which leaks through holes in his body, a man with a bulldog stuck to his rear walking on a treadmill, and a man with a swordfish in his body reading a book, the guy with a swordfish says "Hi."]
Dr. Hibbert [chuckles]: Oh, sorry, but these guys crack me up.
Homer [sadly]: What guys? I want to see the freaks.

Bart: "Brother Faith's Revival" ?
Female announcer: Pray for the healing love of... Brother Faith!
Brother Faith [comes down on a cloud-shaped platform]: Woo, good Lord! [The crowd cheers] Oh, I feel it in my belly now, Springfield. Mmph! Can you feel the power?
Crowd: Yes!
Brother Faith: Do you want to be saved?
Crowd: Yes!
Brother Faith: Now correct me if I'm incorrect, but was I told that it's untrue that people of Springfield have no faith? Was I not misinformed?
[The crowds murmur in confusion]
Brother Faith: The answer I'm looking for is "Yes".
Crowd: Yes!
Brother Faith [singing]: Now let's hear it for the Holy Spirit, no need to fear it, just revere it, He works in Heaven, that's 24 - 7, that's right! Check the Bible, yeah, John 2:11, Jump back, feel it, feel it, woo!
Bart: Wow, he dances better than Jesus himself!

Captain McCallister: You're the miracle boy with the healing hands, arrgh...n't you?
Bart: Nah, I don't do that anymore.
Captain McCallister: So, I guess I'll have to see someone else about my crippling depression. Arrgh...
Bart: Wow, and I thought he had it all.

Rev. Lovejoy: In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul instructed them to send ten copies to the Thessalonians and the Ephesians. But the Ephesians broke the chain and were punished by...
Bart: I got two words for this sermon: [Bart snores and whistles]
Rev. Lovejoy: Am I boring you, Bart?
Bart: Well, to be honest: yes.
Rev. Lovejoy: Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have.
Bart: But church can be fun! [The congregation laughs at Bart's remark] No, really! It can be a crazy party with clouds and lasers and miracles...
Homer: And chili fries!
Bart: A real preacher knows how to bring the Bible alive, through music and dancing and tae-bo! [Bart starts scat singing and practicing some tae-bo moves while dancing as the congregation cheers]
Sideshow Mel: He's kicking it old-school!
Rev. Lovejoy: [dejectedly] Never give them an opening.

Brother Faith: What ails you, my son?
Cletus: I done spraint my "elbie" bone so it goes in the opposite-y di-rection.
Brother Faith: The power of faith compels you. Heal! [Brother Faith puts his hand on Cletus's forehead and twists his arm] Take that, Satan!
Cletus: Praise the Lord! [the crowd chants "Hallelujah!"]
Bart: It was a miracle, and it was gross, cool!

Rev. Lovejoy: Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle. [Lovejoy takes out an electric guitar and starts playing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" even though the guitar isn't connected to an amp]
Rev. Lovejoy [sings off-key]: Mi... Michael ...row... row... row the boat...
Todd: Is he killing that guitar, Daddy?
Ned: Yes, son.

Milhouse: My glasses make me look like a geek.
Bart [sings as he removes Milhouse's glasses] : Now you'll get the girls you seek!
Sherri, Terri: We'll see you at Make-out Creek! [They kiss Milhouse]
Revival tent congregation chorus [sings]: Bart's the boy of the hour, he's got the power!
Moe, Lenny, Carl [singing]: So raise your voice and don't be shy,
Tent congregation: Testi-, testi-,
Bart [sings]: Tes-ti-fyyy!
Tent congregation [singing]: Testify, testify, come on up and testify! [song ends]

Game Announcer: Whoa Nellie, we have ourselves a barn burner today! Welcome to the 117th dust-up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A&M and the Springfield University Nittany Tide. Oh-ho doctor, break out the hickory switch.
Homer [barbecuing at the stadium]: Okay, who needs another lamb rack? [Marge and Bart wave, indicating that they have enough food] Lisa, ham hock, tri-tip?
Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.

[the halftime pistol goes off]
Game Announcer: Now, ladies and gentlemen, pour a little cider on those peepers, 'cause here comes the halftime parade!
Homer [gasps]: I forgot my float! Quick, pass me down! [Benjamin, Doug and Gary help Homer get to the playing field; Homer giggles as the crowd passes him down]

Marge: Ooh, there's a homecoming parade, a cocktail party....
Homer: Then the homecoming game between Springfield U, and Springfield A&M. [grudgingly] I hate Springfield U. so much!
Lisa: You went to Springfield U.; you hate A&M.
Homer [begrudgingly]: Soo much.

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