- Flanders: They can be a real handful... of joy.
- Apu: Shut up.
- Flanders: They'll fill your lives with...
- Apu: Just shut up.
- Flanders: [quickly] Can't put a price on a miracle!
- Apu: I can't believe you don't shut up!
- Allen Wrench: You put it together yourself! All you need is me, Alan Wrench!
- Homer: He's named after what he is.
- Bart: Cool costume!
- Allen Wrench: [Robotic voice] It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor!
- Marge: Excuse me where are your hamper lids?
- Allen Wrench: [Normal voice] Hamper lids? Third floor. [Robotic, to Bart] Help! I need tungsten to live! Tungsten!
- Apu: Well if the police won't help us I guess we'll just have to take the law into our own hands.
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, yeah a lot of people are doing that these days.
- Homer: Don't worry, I've brought chloroform.
- [Homer sticks "chloroform" on the guard woman]
- Apu: You idiot! Those are colourforms!
- Manjula: (while pregnant) Apu, do you still find me attractive?
- Apu: Of course I do, sweetheart. You are beautiful and silky and manageable.
- Manjula: You are reading that off a conditioner bottle!
- Apu: That's true, but you still have a...
- (Manjula's water breaks)
- Manjula: Ooooooh... Whaaaaah... my water broke.
- Apu: We better get you to the hospital. Clean up in Aisle 3!
- Gil: Oh boy! Gil is making his way up the big leagues (slips on wet floor) Ow, my back!
- Homer: Man, the last nine months sure were crazy.
- Bart: I'll say. I learned the true meaning of Columbus Day.
- Marge: I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge.
- Lisa: I became the most popular girl in school, but blew it by being conceited.
- Bart: And then I learned the true meaning of winter.
- Homer: Kids are the best, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the Internet and all.
- [When Marge and Lisa are looking at pencil holders]
- Lisa: [picks up a pencil holder] Ooh, I want to get the Krünk.
- Marge: Mmmm, you don't want something that overshadows the pencils. [holds up another pencil holder] How about this Pöpli?
- Lisa: Mom, no! Everyone at school picks on the Pöpli kids..even I do. [under her breath] I just hate them so much.
- [At the Kwik-E-Mart, Apu is sitting in the ice cream cooler when Homer arrives]
- Homer: Hey, Apu! Sitting in the ice cream cooler, eh?
- Apu: By chilling my loins, I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.
- Homer: Who-o-a! Too much information! Thanks for the mental picture. Why don't you tell us what you really think?
- Apu: Just stop spouting those hackneyed quips.
- Homer: Could you be any more ... hello? [laughs] Look, just give me some ice cream. [Apu pulls out out an ice cream container] Um, how about one not touching your ass? [Apu gives him another one]
- Apu: [his pager goes off] Oh! Manjula has begun to ovulate. [gets up and leaves quickly]
- Homer: Ew, thanks for sharing. [Apu drives home and his car passes the Kwik-E-Mart] [yells] More than I wanted to know!
- Dr. Hibbert: Did anyone else slip this woman fertility drugs? [Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]
- Homer: [holds up a pill] Mine tasted like strawberries. [eats it] Mmmm, ovulicious.
- Kent Brockman: How do you feel about this avalanche of free merchandise?
- Manjula: Oh, the companies are so generous. Except the Q-Tip people. They only gave us three crates. They can rot in hell.
- Apu: But the good folks at Sony. [kisses remote] Their giant TV will really help us love our babies.
- Manjula: Apu, it's 4:00 a.m. You're late for work.
- Apu: [wakes up] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
- Manjula: Oh, no, you don't. Not 'till they're out of college.
- Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to.
- Marge: Apu told me all eight babies have colic, although he thinks one or two might just be going along with the crowd.
- Homer: 8 babies ... I'm sterile, right, baby doll?
- Marge: Yes, dear. From the nuclear plant.
- Homer: Beautiful.
- Apu: Homer, we have tried everything. Oysters, gravity boots, Sanjay's bed, every possible position.
- Homer: Really? On top and underneath?
- [Apu and Manjula read from a script written by Homer designed to help them conceive. The script is noticeably littered with inconsistencies.]
- Apu: Gee, Betsy, it's such a nice night. Why don't we go all the way?
- Manjula: But Greg, my dad will kill me! And you have that scholarship to Ivy League State.
- Apu: Listen up baby, tomorrow I'm shipping off to Vietnam. I... [breaks character] I thought I was going to Ivy League State?
- Homer: My mistake, stay in the moment.
- Manjula: Just promise not to forget me on your dinosaur bone digging-up trip. [proceeds to make love with Apu]
- Homer: And that's my cue to exit.