- Homer: What would Zorro do? (imagines Zorro getting shot by the Colonel) "ZORROOOOOOOOOOO....!"
- Cow: (deep voice) "Tomacco"
- Homer: Dueling at dawn. How did it ever come to this?
- Lisa: [hangs up phone] The National Weather Service says dawn is still scheduled for 6:20 tomorrow and to please stop calling.
- Homer: (to Marge about the colonel) He's out there, isn't he?
- Marge: I'm afraid so, and his wife's with him.
- Homer: (looks at the colonel's attractive-looking wife) Growl!
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: Hey, I'm not dead yet. (a knock is heard at the door) Oh! Oh! Save me, Marge! I saved you!
- Marge: Why don't you have the colonel's wife save you?
- Homer: Oh, Marge, that's in the past. Just let it go.
- Homer: (to Flanders on a pay phone) Well, goodbye, my gentle neighbor. You know, I've always wanted to tell you how much..
- Phone Operator: To continue talking, please deposit 10 cents.
- Homer: Eh, screw it. (hangs up phone)
- Bart: I'll dig an outhouse!
- Lisa: I'll weed the floor.
- Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling.
- (After the tractor falls on Homer)
- Bart: Dad!
- Homer: Go get Lassie!
- Bart: Lassie?
- Homer: I mean Lisa.
- (When Homer arrives at the feed store to get some seeds)
- Farmer 1: Well, well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car.
- Homer: This car was made in Guatemala.
- Farmer 2: Well, pardon us, Mr. Gucci loafers.
- Homer: I bought these shoes from a hobo.
- Farmer 1: Well, la-de-da, Mr. Park Avenue manicure.
- Homer: I'm sorry, I believe in good grooming.
- Lenny: Plutonium? Gee, Homer, isn't that kind of risky? Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not.
- Homer: If we learned one thing from "The Amazing Colossal Man" and "Grasshopperus," it's that radiation makes stuff grow real big, real fast.
- Marge: But didn't Grasshopperus kill Chad Everett?
- Homer: Only because he tried to reason with him.
- Bart: (when Bart eats the tomato) Bleh! Tastes like cigarette butts.
- Marge: (takes the half-eaten tomato) That's odd. The outside looks like a tomato, but the inside is brown.
- Lisa: Maybe the tomato seeds crossbred with the tobacco seeds.
- Homer: Oh, great, I've got a field full of mutants.
- Lisa: (to Homer) Tomacco? That's pretty clever, Dad. I mean, for a product that's evil and deadly.
- Homer: Aw, thanks, honey.
- (After Ralph takes a bite of the Tomacco and spits it out)
- Ralph: Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma.
- Chief Wiggum: [takes a bite, and spits it out too] Holy Moses, it does taste like Grandma!
- Laramie Executive: (to the Simpsons) Meet the Laramie cigarette team. This is Mindy, J. P., and Emil.
- Mindy: Homer, we're in a bit of a pickle. Kids are crazy about tobacco, but the politicians won't let us sell it to them.
- Homer: Those dirty, rotten...
- Mindy: Tell me about it. But there's no law against selling kids tomacco. That little "m" is worth a lot of money to us...and to you.
- Homer: How much?
- Laramie Executive: Well, let's say a hundred ...
- Homer: (gasps)
- Laramie Executive: ... and fifty ...
- Homer: (gasps louder)
- Laramie Executive: ... million dollars.
- Homer: (excitedly) One hundred and ... (calmly) May I speak to my family for a moment?
- (While the Simpsons are in the executive bathroom)
- Homer: Did you see the way Emil's looking at Mindy? I think something's going on there.
- Marge: Shouldn't we be talking about the $150 million offer?
- Homer: Oh, yeah, let's take it.
- Lisa: Dad, it's a tobacco company. They make billions off the suffering and death of others.
- Bart: She's right, Dad. They can afford a lot more.
- Lisa: No...
- Marge: I'm with Lisa. Let's take them to the cleaners.
- Lisa: You're about to launch a terrible evil on the world. You've got to destroy this plant.
- Homer: I know, honey, but what can I do as an individual. I wouldn't know where to begin.
- Lisa: Just burn that plant right now and end this madness.
- Homer: I wish I could make a difference, Lisa, but I'm just one man.
- Lisa: (growls)
- Homer: I agree, but how?