- Marge: Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project.
- Homer: Yes, syrup is better than jelly.
- Chief Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news; your husband was found DOA.
- Marge: Oh my God! He's dead?!
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
- Mrs. Phillips: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband's DWI?
- Chief Wiggum: Um, why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.
- Principal Skinner: Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
- Lisa: I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids.
- Bart: The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence?
- Lisa: The very same.
- Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!
- [Homer is getting chased by police]
- Homer Gulp. [cut to outside his car, singing]: W, X, Y, and Z. Now I know my ABCs, won't you come and play with me.
- Eddie: Flawless.
- Lou: We also would have accepted, "tell me what you think of me."
- Eddie: Well, you're free too-
- Barney: Give him the breathalyzer.
- Homer: Huh? [gives breathalyzer, beeps red]
- Lou: You're under arrest.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Homer: To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse. Uh... Thou shalt not... uh... (Homer throws a rock at the spider's head.)
- Homer: Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm comin' back loaded!
- Marge: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
- Homer: You name it.
- Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month.
- Homer: You got it. No deer for a month.
- Marge: Did you say beer, or deer?
- Homer: Deer.
- Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
- (Marge turns off the light and Homer opens a can, audibly)
- Marge: What was that noise?
- Homer: I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."
- Homer: I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Judge: Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of AA meetings.
- Homer: Your honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
- Judge: No.
- Lisa: What have you done with my report?
- Bart: I've hidden it. To find it you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than…
- Lisa: Got it!
- Bart: D'oh!
- Moe: You'll be back!!! And you, And you (to Barney). And you.
- Barney: Of course I'll be back, if you didn't close I'd never leave!
- Lisa: [echoic from Bart's dream] First prize! First prize! First prize!
- Bart: Why are you saying that?
- Lisa: Just screwing with your mind. [laughs and runs off]
- Lisa: [laughs wickedly]
- Marge: What's so funny?
- Lisa: Oh, uh ... I was just thinking of a joke I saw on Herman's Head. [laughs nervously]
- Homer: Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive.
- Barney: I'm fine.
- Homer: OK, you leave me no option. [punches Barney]
- Barney: Ow! What was that for?
- Homer: I'm trying to knock you out. [tries harder with a tire iron]
- Barney: Ow! Cut it out. [Homer tries slamming Barney's head in the car door] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! All right, here, take the keys. [hands Homer the keys]
- Lisa: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
- Pet Shop Clerk (Wiseguy): OK. [reaches into a box of hamsters under the counter and randomly selects one] Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor.
- Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries?
- Wiseguy: Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.
- Lisa: Aw, c'mon.
- Wiseguy: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?
- Lisa: [writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: "Is my brother dumber than a hamster?"
- Bart: Hey Lis, look what I can do! [inserts his fist into mouth, but discovers he can't retract it] Mmmph... doggone it.
- Homer: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left. [Jasper walks up] Coping with senility?
- Jasper: [gruff] No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait. Coping with senility.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
- Homer: Aaah! [jumps out the window]
- Homer [singing]: When I was 17,
- I drank some very good beer.
- I drank some very good beer,
- I purchased with a fake ID.
- My name was Brian McGee.
- I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was 17.
- Milhouse: Behold gravity in all its glory. [pushes a Slinky down an inclined 2-by-4. It goes one step, then it stops]
- Edna: Pretty lame, Milhouse.
- Marge: I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.
- Lisa: Please, mother, it's purely in the interest of science.
- Lisa's Brain: That'll learn 'em to bust my tomater.
- Rev. Lovejoy: So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
- Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into a football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
- Rev. Lovejoy: I cast thee out!
- Moe: C'mon, Homer, do it for your old pal Moesy.
- Barney: But Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of...
- Moe: Pipe down, rub-a-dub!