I Love Lisa
Last Exit to Springfield
Marge: Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project.
Homer: Yes, syrup is better than jelly.

Chief Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news; your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my God! He's dead?!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
Mrs. Phillips: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband's DWI?
Chief Wiggum: Um, why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.

Principal Skinner: Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.

Lisa: I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids.
Bart: The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence?
Lisa: The very same.

Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!

[Homer is getting chased by police]
Homer Gulp. [cut to outside his car, singing]: W, X, Y, and Z. Now I know my ABCs, won't you come and play with me.
Eddie: Flawless.
Lou: We also would have accepted, "tell me what you think of me."
Eddie: Well, you're free too-
Barney: Give him the breathalyzer.
Homer: Huh? [gives breathalyzer, beeps red]
Lou: You're under arrest.
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse. Uh... Thou shalt not... uh... (Homer throws a rock at the spider's head.)

Homer: Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm comin' back loaded!

Marge: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer: You name it.
Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer: You got it. No deer for a month.
Marge: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer: Deer.

Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
(Marge turns off the light and Homer opens a can, audibly)
Marge: What was that noise?
Homer: I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."

Homer: I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Judge: Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of AA meetings.
Homer: Your honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
Judge: No.

Lisa: What have you done with my report?
Bart: I've hidden it. To find it you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than…
Lisa: Got it!
Bart: D'oh!

Moe: You'll be back!!! And you, And you (to Barney). And you.
Barney: Of course I'll be back, if you didn't close I'd never leave!

Lisa: [echoic from Bart's dream] First prize! First prize! First prize!
Bart: Why are you saying that?
Lisa: Just screwing with your mind. [laughs and runs off]

Lisa: [laughs wickedly]
Marge: What's so funny?
Lisa: Oh, uh ... I was just thinking of a joke I saw on Herman's Head. [laughs nervously]

Homer: Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive.
Barney: I'm fine.
Homer: OK, you leave me no option. [punches Barney]
Barney: Ow! What was that for?
Homer: I'm trying to knock you out. [tries harder with a tire iron]
Barney: Ow! Cut it out. [Homer tries slamming Barney's head in the car door] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! All right, here, take the keys. [hands Homer the keys]

Lisa: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
Pet Shop Clerk (Wiseguy): OK. [reaches into a box of hamsters under the counter and randomly selects one] Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor.
Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries?
Wiseguy: Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.
Lisa: Aw, c'mon.
Wiseguy: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?

Lisa: [writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: "Is my brother dumber than a hamster?"
Bart: Hey Lis, look what I can do! [inserts his fist into mouth, but discovers he can't retract it] Mmmph... doggone it.

Homer: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
Rev. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left. [Jasper walks up] Coping with senility?
Jasper: [gruff] No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait. Coping with senility.

Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
Homer: Aaah! [jumps out the window]

Homer [singing]: When I was 17,
I drank some very good beer.
I drank some very good beer,
I purchased with a fake ID.
My name was Brian McGee.
I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was 17.

Milhouse: Behold gravity in all its glory. [pushes a Slinky down an inclined 2-by-4. It goes one step, then it stops]
Edna: Pretty lame, Milhouse.

Marge: I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.
Lisa: Please, mother, it's purely in the interest of science.
Lisa's Brain: That'll learn 'em to bust my tomater.

Rev. Lovejoy: So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into a football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Rev. Lovejoy: I cast thee out!

Moe: C'mon, Homer, do it for your old pal Moesy.
Barney: But Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of...
Moe: Pipe down, rub-a-dub!

Season 3 Season 4 Quotes Season 5
Kamp KrustyA Streetcar Named MargeHomer the HereticLisa the Beauty QueenTreehouse of Horror IIIItchy & Scratchy: The MovieMarge Gets a JobNew Kid on the BlockMr. PlowLisa's First WordHomer's Triple BypassMarge vs. the MonorailSelma's ChoiceBrother from the Same PlanetI Love LisaDufflessLast Exit to SpringfieldSo It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip ShowThe FrontWhacking DayMarge in ChainsKrusty Gets Kancelled