Transcript for Donnie Fatso.

Incomplete This article or section is incomplete.

Please improve the article, or discuss the issue on the talk page.

Part 1: New Year's Day

(It is new year's day in Springfield, as the Simpson family just had another new year's party in their house. Inside, it is a mess, as Lisa cleans up the trash from the floor. An exhausted Maggie crawls towards a bottle of Moe et Chandon, takes the cork out of the bottle, and sucks on it like a pacifier. Bart, also exhausted, comes in the sitting room as Lisa continues to clean up the floor)

Bart Simpson: (groans) I don't even want to smell sparkling apple juice again.

Lisa Simpson: Aw. Poor baby. Come on, Bart. Afraid of a little apple juice? (holds a juice box of sparkling apple juice, aims, and squeezes the juice at Bart) (laughs)

Bart Simpson: Pig in a blanket! (takes a plate of pigs in a blanket and throws one at Lisa)

Lisa Simpson: Dad's underwear! (holds up one of Homer's underwear, much to Bart's horror)

Bart Simpson: Aunt Selma's leg! (holds up Selma's foot in front of Lisa)

Selma Bouvier: I hate New Year's Eve. I can't believe I made out with Ryan Seacrest on the TV screen. (raspy groan)

(Pan to the TV screen, where a freeze-frame of Ryan Seacrest is on the TV, but with Selma's lipstick marks all over his face. Cut back to Bart, Lisa and Selma)

Bart Simpson: Let's just take it easy. We all made mistakes on New Year's Eve.

(A wine cooler is seen, but Santa's Little Helper and Snowball V, both exhausted, come out of the cooler, and then look at each other. Cut back to Bart and Lisa)

Bart Simpson: There's only one upside to today.

(Meanwhile, in the parents bedroom, a topless Homer has crashed out, as he is sleeping on top of his bed while holding a bottle of wine with his right hand. A wine glass (with wine) and ham are on one of the nightstands)

Homer Simpson: (talking in his sleep) Come on, just one more drink, Marge.

(Bart, Lisa and Maggie come in the room, where Bart has two frying pans, Lisa has a noisemaker, and Maggie has an air horn)

Bart & Lisa Simpson: (in unison) Happy New Year!

(Bart bangs the pans together, while Lisa blows her noisemaker in Homer's face, thus making Homer wake up)

Homer Simpson: Aah!

(Maggie aims her airhorn directly at Homer's head and uses it. She, Bart and Lisa continue the noisemaking until Marge comes out of the bathroom, who looks completely exhausted, and the noisemaking stops)

Marge Simpson: Everyone shush!

Lisa Simpson: Why are you hungover? I didn't see you drink last night.

Marge Simpson: I didn't. I got secondhand wasted from smooching your father. So not a peep out of anyone 'till the Fiesta Bowl.

Bart Simpson: That's not for five hours!

Marge Simpson: I know when the freaking Fiesta Bowl is!

Homer Simpson: Sweetie, relax. Let's just watch some TV.

(Maggie turns on the TV, which has a Samoan New Year's Eve special playing. A Samoan host is seen along with several Samoan people dancing and celebrating in the background)

Samoan New Year's Eve Host: New Year's Eve might be over in America, but we're still rocking hard in Samoa. And here comes the Blue Angels waking up the shrieking wah-wah birds.

(The Blue Angels fly above the Samoans, which then fly above the jungles of Samoa, thus making the keel-billed toucans wake up and screech so loud that the rest of the Simpsons, except Maggie, cover their ears. Maggie, however, enjoys this noisy scene as she claps happily while watching)

Part 2: Homer Gets into Trouble with the Law

(Later that day, Homer walks outside to put the trash away, but as Homer dumps his recyclables into his recycling bin, Chief Wiggum and Lou arrive and park across from Homer)

Clancy Wiggum: Well, well, well. Simpson, you've commited Springfield's first crime of the new year. Write him up, Lou.

Homer Simpson: Huh? What'd I do?

Clancy Wiggum: Failed to separate your bottles and newspapers.

(Lou gives Homer a recycling violation ticket of 50 dollars)

Homer Simpson: Fifty bucks? That was used to cover two public nudities and a poop in the park. (grunts as he squeezes and crumbles the violation ticket)

Clancy Wiggum: (notices Homer crumbling the ticket) Uhp! That's vandalizing city property. (to Lou) Write him up again, Lou.

(Lou gives Homer another violation ticket)

Homer Simpson: What the hell?

Clancy Wiggum: Mild obscenity before 10am. Also illegal.

Homer Simpson: Come on, Lou. Give me a break.

Lou: Sorry, sir. I take no pleasure in it. Da-da-da, dee, da-da-da, da-hah. Oh, yeah. (gives Homer another violation ticket)

Homer Simpson: Since when is all this against the law?

Clancy Wiggum: Since today. As of January 1st, a bunch of new ordinances, with, uh, outrageous financial penalties, took effect.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I get it. The government runs out of money, so they pass a bunch of lame-o laws to sock it to the little guy.

Clancy Wiggum: Fine. You're telling it like it is. Also a crime now. And that one's going to cost you.

(Lou gives Homer yet another violation ticket, this time with Homer's total fine printed on it: his recycling violation costs 50 dollars, and vandalize property, mild obscenity, and telling it like it is costs 300 dollars, bringing up the total of 950 dollars of those fines, much to Homer's disappointment)

Homer Simpson: (wails) That's almost 1,000 dollars!

Clancy Wiggum: Rounding up your total, that's a 50 dollar fine.

(Lou adds in the 50 dollar fine to Homer's total, and gives the total back to Homer)

Homer Simpson: (whimpers)

Part 3: Moe Gives Homer Advice