- GPS: Turn left.
- Homer: You're the driver.
- Homer: Okay, kids. Give me your best worried looks. Ooh, that's good worried. Maggie, when we visit Gil, you should think about your mom and me disappearing forever, every time we step behind a wall.
- Lisa: Mr. Gunderson, they don't let saxophones in the ICU, so I'll just tell you the song I wrote for you. B flat, C, D flat, B flat, B, Long E ...
- Adolphe Sax: "Adolf", a name that will only be associated with beautiful music.
- [Homer is in court]
- Lawyer: People love dogs. This could be out key to winning this case.
- Homer: You're on my side, right?
- Lawyer: I am.
- Homer: Woo hoo!
- [Bart steps up to the stand]
- Lawyer: Now, go ahead, son. You tell us how you got your dog.
- Bart: [in a poor old British kid accent] It was Christmas, sir. We saved him and he saved us. Now we love the dog, and the dog gives us all the love we could handle. Love.
- [Jury murmurs in admiration]
- Lawyer: Could the stenographer read that last part back with sentimental music?
- Stenographer: The dog gives us all the love we could handle. Love.
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen, this man is a human being, just like you or me. Surely, his life has more value than some creature that scoots its buttocks along the ground.
- [Jury dawwws]
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Or-or gets it's head stuck in an empty pickle jar.
- [Jury dawwws]
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: OR WALKS ON A HOT SIDEWALK IN A WAY THAT SUGGESTS IT'S DANCING?
- [Jury dawwws]
- [Santa's Little Helper helps win the court case for Homer]
- Homer: I have never been more glad that I didn't hit you with my car, secretly bury you, get another greyhound, paint it your exact coloring, then realize it's a girl, stick on a fake wang and pretend that she's you for however long dogs live.
- Mayor Quimby: Look at all those voters. What is our current position on dogs?
- Secretary: We currently have a city employee who rounds them up and puts them to sleep.
- Mayor Quimby: What? I can't believe such a jerk would even be elected dog catcher! From this point, forth, this town will be known as the dog-loving capital of the world. That will put Springfield on the map.
- Secretary: Yeah, why aren't we on the map?
- Mayor Quimby: I don't know. I made like 20 calls to Rand McNally. They don't even know what state we're in.
- [Homer pushes Snowball V over to Santa's Little Helper]
- Homer: Ooh, come on, girl.
- [Snowball V scratches Homer]
- Homer: OW! Come on. Get him by the collar. You can do it.
- [Snowball bites Homer]
- Homer: Ow. Don't bite me! [Homer tries to get Snowball V's paw on Santa's Little Helper's collar] Come on. Pull! Come on!
- Lisa: Dad, we don't have time for this.
- Homer: Quiet, I'm doing something important.
- [Homer gets Snowball V's claw into Santa's Little Helper's collar and uses her to drag him into the house]
- Homer: There you go, that's it. Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
- Bart: Worth it.
- Lisa: Totally worth it.
- Homer: I know.
- Homer: Kids. Lower the Purge armor.
- Lisa: We don't have any Purge armor.
- Homer: Oh, right. I always mean to buy it the day after The Purge, when it's cheaper.
- Bart: Resist the call of the wild. Like I did, when they assigned that book for summer reading.
- Barney: I thought I was the town failure.
- Moe: You're not even that.
- [Marge calls Grandpa over the phone]
- Marge: Grandpa, I called to make sure the kids are okay.
- Grandpa: They're not okay! The boy's got sass and the girl thinks she's Queen of the May. You leave them with me and I'll straighten them out.
- Marge: I did leave them with you.
- Grandpa: Why they hell, would you do that?
- [Bart and Lisa come face to face with Taquito]
- Bart: I know that dog. It's the one Milhouse got when he didn't wet the bed for a week.
- Bart: We're gonna die at the hands of a dog.
- Lisa: Paws. Dogs have paws.
- Bart: Just remember the last thing you did in life was correct me.
- Lisa: Oh, that actually makes me feel better.