- Marge: Homer, are you ever planning on putting this stuff together?
- Homer: Sure, right after I watch this DVD. (pushes the TV back to its normal position)
- Marge: (groans) Just what are you watching that's so important? (grabs the DVD case) Outstanding College Mascot Fights?
- Homer: S.E.C. edition.
- Homer: The top-heavy mascots always lose. Unless they're fighting something with no arms. See? The Stanford Tree is no match for the Tulane Green Wave! (one of the mascots knocks another's head, showing someone inside. Homer gasps) There's people inside! Marge, do you see?
- Marge: That's it, mister! You're putting everything together today!
- Homer: Marjorie, isn't it a little sexist to expect me to do all the carpentry?
- Marge: Or you can take Bart to the mall to get fitted for... (Homer turns a power drill on)
- Homer: (yelling) Sorry! The drill is too loud! I can't hear the options!
- Homer: "You are fini-shed"? Oh, I am finished! Whoo-hoo! (dries to get out of the furniture) D'oh! I'm trapped.
- Homer: Hey Barney, how's it going?
- Barney: Fine. How are you?
- Homer: I need help! Can you come right over?
- Barney: Homer, you should use the ChoreMonkey app. People do all your chores, so you're free to follow your dreams! My dream right now is beer and toilet paper. (a ChoreMonkey employee enters bringing him beer and toilet paper)
- ChoreMonkey employee: Mr. Gumble, because I'm a decent person, this is the last beer I'm going to bring you!
- Barney: I'll just use Uburp.
- Raphael: ChoreMonkey, to the rescue! (sets Homer free)
- Homer: Oh! Oh, thank you. I think this is the beginning of an unhealthy dependence.
- Raphael: Aw.
- Bart: Homer, can we throw the ball around?
- Homer: Oh, um...
- Bart: By "we" I mean me and your ChoreMonkey.
- Homer: (chuckles) Oh, of course! Sure buddy! For you I'll get one without a criminal record. Which means I'll have to use Choremonkey Gold.
- Homer: Wait, are you Heisman Trophy-winner Matt Leinart?
- Matt Leinart: Yep, I am.
- Homer: And you need this job?
- Matt Leinart: Yeah, I... Haven't really been smart with my money after football.
- Homer: But what about your broadcasting work?
- Matt Leinart: Uh... Sunk it all into my Thai-Irish fusion restaurant, Shamrock Spice.
- Homer: Maybe I should play a little catch with my son now.
- Matt Leinart: (throws the ball to him) Whatever, Hoss. Let's see what you got.
- (Homer throws the ball over the fence)
- Ned: My zinnias!
- Matt Leinart: (scoffs) Annuals.
- (Matt gives a Simpson shit to Bart)
- Bart: Wow! You made that for me?
- Matt Leinart: No, it used to be O.J.'s. Yeah, Little Juice!
- Homer: Oh, stupid ChoreMonkey! Another thing I overdo bites me in the butt.
- Homer: You're late.
- Tyler: There's no specified time, sir. And you did receive progress alerts.
- Homer: Whatever, fine, just throw the damn ball! (Tyler throws the ball to Homer) So, how was your day? (they start playing football)
- Tyler: Pretty good. I've thrown various balls with six different middle-aged men.
- Homer: All right, stop talking, you're ruining it!
- Tyler: Nice pass, sir. For someone your age.
- Homer: This isn't fun at all! I'm done.
- Tyler: Fine. You know the monkeys also rate the customers. (puts a sticker on Homer's mailbox) Now everyone will know what kind of man you are.
- Homer: Goodbye, Tyler.
- Tyler: Jerk!
- Homer: "Jerk". Bart used to call me that.
- (Kirk is building a brick wall on the sidewalk)
- Milhouse: Be careful, Dad!
- Kirk: Being careful is not going to get us on America's Funniest Home Videos. Now, when I nod, you pull the bottom brick out and the wall falls on me! Then call Vin Di Bona Productions, then an ambulance.
- Milhouse: Wait. Won't they know this video is fake? Why would I be filming you making a wall?
- Kirk: Why didn't you bring these things up at the production meeting? Well, it's too late now! Oh, great!
- Milhouse: Dad, can I get you one of my children's Xanax?
- Kirk: What I need is that ten thousand dollar prize. Not five thousand. I already spent that on bricks! Now pull that rope.
- Milhouse: If I pull the rope and it kills you, I'll need a lot of therapy.
- Kirk: I'm not gonna die, son. Uh... But if I do, can you play "Nobody Does It Better" at my funeral on the recorder?
- Milhouse: I can't be a part of this.
- Kirk: Yeah, yeah, you're right. (Luann runs him over) Luann, help!
- Luann: I'm in a hurry! (drives away)
- Kirk: Well, at least I got it on video.
- Nelson: Delete!
- Kirk: Ah, come on!
- Nelson: Haw-haw! (the brick wall falls on Kirk)
- Homer: Dad, it's me.
- Grampa: What are you doing here? It's not pudding day.
- Homer: (sighs) My son doesn't want to be with me anymore.
- Grampa: So you realize that's how you've treated me all these years and you've come to apologize.
- Homer: Look Dad, I would visit more if I hadn't put you in such a depressing place!
- Grampa: Whatever. I've got a real problem here. I'm gonna be a father again! My girlfriend's pregnant.
- Homer: (gasps) That's insane! I leave you alone for six months and this is what happens!? How did you even meet her?
- Grampa: Oh, this home just got the Internet and everyone's using senior dating sites! Grave Date, Friends with Social Security Benefits. Everyone's making whoopee and hanky-panky. A few are even having sex!
- Old lady: (chasing Hans Moleman) You can't leave me! We started a puzzle together!
- Moleman: My heart's bleeding! Seriously, please call 911!
- Matt Leinart: Hi, I'm Matt.
- Milhouse: Milhouse. I'm Bart's best friend.
- Matt Leinart: Aw, sounds like someone wants an autograph.
- Milhouse: I do! Who are you?
- Matt Leinart: I misspelled my name. But that makes it worth more.
- Matt Leinart: Is this guy bothering you, Bart? I'll make sure he finds the door.
- Milhouse: (gasps) Could you throw me out in a perfect spiral?
- Matt Leinart: I can walk you out, in a straight line.
- Milhouse: Wow! No one's gonna believe that at school!
- Bart: (mentally reading a paper) "Always let him win"? "Don't let him see this sheet"? He called me the greatest receiver he'd ever thrown to! Was that a lie too?
- Milhouse: Hey, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer: Hey, Milk Dude. Uh, listen, I got to go change the oil in my car.
- Milhouse: Don't you want to get a ChoreMonkey?
- Homer: They cut me off! I never dreamed when I gave them my credit card number that they would charge me! You could help me out if you want. I have an old shirt you could wear.
- Milhouse: An old shirt! Wow! My dad doesn't have any of those.
- Matt Leinart: Wow! Anyone ever tell you that you're excellent at gluing?
- Bart: Uh... no.
- Matt Leinart: And your rubber cement boogers were very convincing.
- Bart: Look, I know you're doing this because you have to. How would you like it if the other team had just let you win all the time?
- Matt Leinart: That would've been really great. (his phone buzzes) Listen, I have another Choremonkey job. I'll see you around. (leaves)
- Matt Leinart: Wait, I don't think a bouncer throws people into a bar.
- Moe: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you just bounce, all right? I'll tell you which way.
- Ralph: Yay! I'm a touchdown!
- Bart: (watching Homer and Milhouse having fun) We've never had fun like that in my whole life!
- Homer: Oh, look! The engine block pizza is almost done. (Homer and Milhouse each grab a slice of pizza)
- Bart: Engine block pizza? Car food is our thing.
- Homer: Careful you don't burn your mouth!
- Bart: Oh... He never warns me.
- Homer: Well, I guess I'd better get to work. (leaves)
- Bart: (suspicious) On a Friday?
- Homer: If you've got something to say, just say it! Unless it's boring!
- Bart: Is there someone else?
- Homer: Oh! Spare me your melodramata!
- Grampa: Marge, I can't have a baby. Coordinating our sleep schedules will be a nightmare! Plus, the only good relationship I ever had was with my hat. Then the wind blew it away.
- Grampa: I've never seen Homer and Bart so close. Maybe I can finally be a good dad!
- Marge: That's not Bart.
- Grampa: Don't ruin my epiphany!
- Bart: Hey Mr. Van Houten.
- Kirk: Oh, hey Bart. Milhouse isn't here.
- Bart: I know, and I don't care.
- Kirk: And look at me, I'm hangin' out with Bart Simpson! That's so cool! I can't wait untill Wendell sees us hangin' out. Oh, hey! (Wendell passes on the street but don't cares) Oh, I've built it up too much.
- Marge: Homer, why were you fishing with Milhouse?
- Homer: Because for once I'm with a kid who respects me. One who doesn't call me "Homer".
- Marge: I didn't know that bothered you.
- Homer: It does. A lot.
- Marge: Oh, Homer...
- Homer: Feels good when you say it.
- Marge: Honey, maybe you should talk to Bart. He's just behind that wall.
- Bart: (from his room) Yeah Homer! Get your fat ass over here!
- Homer: You see? You see? It's not bad enough he calls me "Homer". He calls my buttocks "ass".
- Marge: Hmm.... He probably learned that at school.
- Homer: You bet your ass he did! Maybe you and Lisa can talk to him.
- Marge: Lisa and I aren't speaking right now.
- Lisa: I can't believe you threw away my Utne Readers!
- Marge: Oh, is that how you pronounce it? (Lisa groans)
- Grampa's ghost: When you're cremated you feel it! Warn everyone!
- (Kirk and Bart encounter with Homer and Milhouse at Itchy & Scratchy Land. Bart clears his throat)
- Homer: Kirk.
- Kirk: Homer.
- Milhouse: Dad.
- Bart: Fat Ass.
- Homer: That is not my name! (enters in one of the park's carts) Let's roll.
- Bart: I'm sorry, too, Dad.
- Homer: (gasps) You called me Dad!
- Bart: There's a first time for everything. Also, a last.
- Kirk: Milhouse, I'd be lying if I said riding in a go-cart with Bart Simpson wasn't the highlight of my life but, you're my son and I love you.
- Milhouse: I love you, too, Dad. You're my favorite guy that Mom's brought home.
- Jeremy: Those aren't yours to keep! They take them out of our pay!
- Homer: We'll bring them back when we get tired of them!
- Jeremy: Oh, that never happens.
- Lou: But Chief, I... I don't think those vehicles are certified for highway use.
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, well, I don't think you're certified to understand the relationship between a father and son, Lou!
- Lou: Well, I have a son. He lives in Baltimore.
- Chief Wiggum: What do you want, a parade, Lou?