- Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer.
- Marge: Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie and you did it at the county fair last year, remember? (holds up a photo of homer eating a giant hoagie)
- Homer: Marge, I've always carried myself a certain quiet dignity. Tonight, you robbed me of it. I'm going now, and I don't know when you'll see me again.
- Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie... one to lie and one to listen.
- Homer: They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.
- (While Bart and Lisa are watching the "Space Mutant" movie; Lisa is covering her eyes)
- Bart: (to Lisa) If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.
- Lisa: [covering her eyes] Please tell me when the scary part's over.
- Bart: It's over.
- (Lisa uncovers her eyes; the movie theater is bathed in red as the sound of blood spurting is heard; Lisa screams)
- Homer: (while watching the movie) I've heard how this ends, it turns out the secret code was the same nursery rhyme he told his daughter!
- Audience: Boooooo!
- Homer: Hey, it's pretty obvious if you think about it!
- Marge: Oh, shut up, Homer. No one wants to hear what you think!
- Audience: Yeah! (applauds)
- Lurleen: My name's Lurleen Lumpkin.
- Homer: That's a pretty name.
- Lurleen: Oh, you think so?
- Homer: Maybe. I'm not sure. I forgot it.
- Homer: Lurleen, I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since “Funky Town!”
- Krusty: (while slapping Sideshow Mel) I thought I told you to stay away from my sister!! (Lurleen's song comes on the radio; his tone softens) Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa.
- Lisa: (while listening to Lurleen's song) I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit.
- Bart: Country music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from shock DJ's, whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.
- Marge: (about Lurleen) Who is this woman?
- Homer: Well, right now, she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress, but she's going to be a country music superstar like... uh... that jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady.
- Homer: Marge, you make it sound so seamy. All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on some outfits.
- Lurleen: Homer, I want you to be my manager.
- Homer: Really?! Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
- Lurleen: That's okay.
- Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.
- Lurleen: Nobody's perfect.
- Homer: I did bad in school.
- Lurleen: I didn't even go.
- Homer: My personal hygiene has been described as...
- Recording Studio Owner: Ah, this studio has a lot of history, uh.. Buddy Holly stood on this spot in 1958 and said, "There is no way in hell that I'm going to record in this dump."
- Homer: I'm sure Lurleen will love it!
- Marge: Homer, how much did you just give that man!
- Homer: Calm down, Marge, it's just our life savings!
- Homer: Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV!
- Lurleen: (squeals with delight) Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome!
- Homer: (in an angry tone) Hey! (in a soft tone) Oh, you meant that as a compliment.
- Bart: [about Homer] Much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit.
- Homer: Is there any room in that bed for a dag-burn fool?
- Marge: Always has been.