- Marge: [threateningly] Bart, I'm going to get you...[brandishes some scissors]
- Bart: [gasps]
- Marge: [cheerfully] ...some ice cream at the store, since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola! [holds up a coupon]
- Ned Flanders: [menacingly] Say your prayers, Simpson... [cheerfully] Because the schools can't force you like they should! Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church!
- Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart... [normal] In our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzie!
- Martin: [dressed as Lizzie Borden] 40 whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!
- Milhouse: [to Bart] I checked around. The girls are calling you "fatty fat fat fat" and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants. But nobody's trying to kill ya.
- Bart: Aaah... that's good.
- Nelson: [pulls down Bart's pants]
- Girls: Fatty fat fat fat, fatty fatty fat fat!
- (While Bart and Lisa are watching "Up Late with McBain")
- McBain: "Ja thank you ja, that's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Skoey. [Skoey bows] That is some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. [audience boos] Whoa, maybe you all are homosexuals, too!"
- Bart: This is horrible.
- Lisa: The Fox Network has sunk to a new low.
- Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? That spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine soaked hellhole.
- Parole Officer: Uh...We object to the term: "urine soaked hellhole," when you could of used: "peepee soaked heckhole."
- Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
- Blue-haired Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "DIE BART DIE"?
- Sideshow Bob: No that's German for "The, Bart the."
- Lisa: Bart, I figured it out! Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
- Bart: Linda Lavin?
- Lisa: No, someone who didn't deserve it.
- Bart and Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
- Bart: You wrote me those letters!
- Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son.
- Sideshow Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. (evilly) Stay away...forever!
- Homer: (quaking) Oh no!
- Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good. (starts to walk away, then runs back) Wait! I've got a good one now. Marge, say, "Stay away from my son," again.
- Marge: (angrily) No!
- Sideshow Bob: (groaning)
- Chief Wiggum [to Marge]: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
- Marge: (indignantly) I'm pretty sure there is.
- Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle....
- Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. (shows him "Springfield Law")
- Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. (scene shows Eddie with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing) Boys, knock it off!
- Abe: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George "Goober" Lindsay.
- Bart: [dismissively] Grampa, Matlock isn't real.
- Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!
- Homer: Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me!! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.
- Bart: Mom, Dad, I saw Sideshow Bob and he threatened to kill me!
- Homer: Bart, don't interrupt!
- Marge: Homer, this is serious!
- Homer: Oh, it is not.
- Agent [to Homer]: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say,"Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
- Homer: Check.
- Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
- Homer: (stares blankly)
- Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
- Homer: I gotcha.
- Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
- Homer: (stares blankly)
- (A long time later)
- Agent: (sighs in frustration) Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
- Homer: No problem.
- Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! (stomps on Homer's foot a few times)
- Homer: (stares blankly; to other agent) I think he's talking to you.
- Bart: I'll be Gus, the lovable chimney-sweep. Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, best in all Westminster. Yeah!
- Homer: Shut up, boy.
- Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch?
- Bart: Yeah!
- Lisa: Yeah!
- Sideshow Bob: (from under the car) No!
- Homer: Well, two against one.
- Marge: We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean break with your life?
- Homer: Relax, Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left.
- [Scene goes to the Simpsons' old house where Grampa is standing at the door]
- Grampa: [knocking on the door] Hello-o! Hello-o! You have my pills! Hello-o? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.
- Sideshow Bob: Well, Bart...any last requests?
- Bart: Well, there is one, but...nah.
- Sideshow Bob: No, go on.
- Bart: Well, you have such a beautiful voice.
- Sideshow Bob: Guilty as charged.
- Bart: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the "H.M.S. Pinafore."
- Sideshow Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to heaven before I send you to Hell.
- Bart [on how he tricked Sideshow Bob]: I knew I had to buy some time. So I asked him to sing the score from the "H.M.S. Pinafore."
- Homer: Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its in-tric-asies.
- Bart: Take him away, boys.
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys.
- Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
- Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.