|Bye Bye Nerdie||
- Marge: Homer? You're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
- Homer: They said if I come in late again, I'm fired. I can't take that chance.
- Milhouse: [when Otto speeds up the school bus while racing Marge] Wow! It's just like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat.
- [When the new girl, Francine arrives on the school bus]
- Sherri: Red hair?
- Terri: What's she trying to pull?
- Janey: Those shoes look Canadian.
- Braces Boy: [wearing a "Frankie Says Relax" shirt] She'll never fit in.
- Bart: One hour dry cleaner? Man, that's fast.
- [A baby-proofing saleswoman arrives at the Simpsons' house]
- Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
- Homer and Marge: [scream]
- Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
- Homer: You really scared us there.
- Saleswoman: I'm sorry, but the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead. [Homer and Marge scream again] Dead tired of baby insurance agents not giving you a free estimate.
- [When the saleswoman crawls on the kitchen floor like a baby]
- Homer: [to Marge; referring to the saleswoman's butt] That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.
- Marge: Homer, don't be...[stares] wow, that is huge.
- Saleswoman: You see how quickly your baby could have been drinking this...[reads the label] Similac Baby Formula?
- Homer: No! [takes the bottle and stomps on it] This is such an eye-opener. I always pictured the kids dying in the living room.
- [Homer kicks the saleswoman out of their house]
- Homer: We don't need your high-priced safety junk! [Maggie falls out the window. The saleswoman catches her and gives her to Homer] Thank you.
- [When Francine is sitting alone on the teeter-totter at recess]
- Bart: Look at the new kid hogging the teeter-totter like she owns the place!
- Milhouse: Yeah, she thinks she's "Babe: Pig in the City."
- Lisa: Give her a break. Remember your first day at school?
- Milhouse: Not as long as I keep taking these. [holds up a bottle of pills labeled "Repressitol"]
- Homer: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. [draws bunny faces on the electrical outlets]
- Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
- Homer: She will be.
- Marge: [to Lisa] Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl? See if you two have a common interest.
- Lisa: Hmmm. Well, lots of people like jazz fusion. [starts playing her saxophone and Marge stops her]
- Marge: Okay, that's in the "maybe" file. What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacey dolls.
- Lisa: They're not dolls; they're "aspiration" figures. But it might work.
- Lisa: Uh, Francine? I think we got off to a bad start. [notices Francine is holding a Malibu Stacy doll] Hey! You like Malibu Stacy, too!
- Francine: Oh, yeah.
- Lisa: And you like the same one I like, with the grad student glamour pack. Just like the one in my... [sees that her locker door has been forced open] locker. That's mine, isn't it?
- Francine: [bites the head off the doll, and spits it at Lisa] Tastes like yours. [picks up Lisa, throws her in her locker, closes the door, and walks away]
- Lisa: [from inside her locker] How about jazz? Do you like jazz?
- Milhouse: [from the locker next to Lisa's] I like jazz.
- Lisa: Milhouse? She got you, too?
- Milhouse: Yeah, but it's not so bad. I'm standing on Ralph.
- Ralph: [from the bottom of the locker] We're a totem pole. [in an Indian chant] Hi-ya, hi-ya! Hoy-ya, hoy-ya!
- Homer: [to Marge] Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is? Baby accidents occur every 3 minutes.
- Marge: I'm the one who told you that.
- Homer: Yeah, but this is me talking. Look, I already encased the telephone in concrete. [points to the telephone, which is encased in a 2-foot thick concrete cube]
- Marge: How are you supposed to dial?
- Homer: Reach into these holes. I use a carrot. [holds one up]
- Marge: Isn't that a little excessive? I mean, how are the buttons dangerous?
- Homer: Baby could order poison.
- Marge: Oh, that's ridiculous. [Homer dials a number and then gives the receiver to Marge]
- Poison Delivery Man: [on the phone] Poison Delivery Service. A gift basket of poison is on its way.
- Marge: Oh, I'm a horrible mother.
- Homer: Of course you are.
- [Martin is hanging upside down from the bleachers as the bullies are throwing tomatoes at him]
- Nelson: Why're you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why're you throwing tomatoes at yourself?
- Martin: Your very question is faulty.
- Jimbo: You're faulty! [throws a tomato at him]
- Lisa: Knock-knock.
- Nelson: What do you want?
- Lisa: Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work?
- Nelson: This is so funny. We were just talking about moving into protection.
- Dolph: We're offering a recess and lunch package that's very affordable.
- Lisa: Well, I'm going to need full coverage. My bully is highly aggressive. Check out these Indian burns. [holds out her arm, which has an Indian burn on it; the bullies are impressed]
- Jimbo: Triple twist! Nice work!
- Kearney: You sure this was done by hand?
- Lisa: Yeah, she's a real purist.
- Nelson: She? [the bullies back away] Sorry, we don't do girls. They bite and kick and scratch.
- Dolph: And sometimes we fall in love.
- [The bullies sigh romantically]
- Lisa: I just don't understand Francine's motivation.Why does she only go after the smart ones?
- Nelson: That's like asking the square root of a million. No one will ever know.
- Lisa: Mr. Tatum, do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag.
- Drederick Tatum: No, not at all, swab away. Whoa, whoa… nobody mentioned a beaker!
- Lisa: Please! It's for science!
- Drederick Tatum: Oh, for science? In that case, proceed.
- [Nelson begins uncontrollably punching Drederick Tatum in the gut, Tatum does not move]
- Drederick Tatum: Hey, cut it out! I insist that you desist.
- Nelson: [crying and punching] Sorry! I'm so sorry! [walks behind Tatum and wedgies him] Please don't hurt me!
- Drederick Tatum: You leave me little recourse. [rolls up his sleeve]
- TV Announcer: And now, the Estrogen Network presents "Afternoon Yak."
- Meredith Vieira: Men...
- Studio Audience: Boo!
- Homer: Cancelled! [immediately changes the channel]
- Kent Brockman: [on the news] The "safe-baby" craze. It's sweeping Springfield thanks to one crusading parent.
- Homer: That's me! Safety dance! [gets off the couch and starts dancing and singing] You can dance, you can dance, everybody look at your pants!
- Homer: [running out in the street] Babies of Springfield, we need your help! Please, skin your knees! Put dice up your nose! Let cats sleep on your face!
- Professor Frink: [on stage, amid crowd activity] Scientists, scientists, please. Looking for some order. Some order, please, with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded and the paying... [shouts] Pi is exactly 3! [the audience gasps and quiets down] I'm very sorry that it had to come to that.
- Scientist: Let's not listen.
- Lisa: I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork, and four-eyes. I call it "poindextrose."
- [Francine runs towards Lisa, but Lisa sprays the bully repellent and Francine stops in her tracks]
- Scientist #1: My God, she's stopped in her tracks!
- Scientist #2: The little girl's invented some sort of bully repellent. [the crowd murmurs, astonished]
- Lisa: Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing. [the crowd gasps]
- Marge: So that's where that went.
- Lisa: The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort block the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless. [the crowd applauds]
- Professor Frink: Congratulations, Lisa. You are truly the standout at this year's big science thing. [hands Lisa an envelope]
- Lisa: [looks inside the envelope] A gift certificate from JCPenney's?
- Professor Frink: Yes, you'll love their slacks. Nn-hey.
- Marge: [to Lisa] Oh, honey, we're so proud of you.
- Homer: So all her bullying was just to get some attention.
- Lisa: No, Dad, didn't you listen to anything I said?
- Homer: Just to get some attention.
- Marge: [to Bart and Lisa] Kids, you're gonna miss the school bus. [looks at the window, gasps and sees Otto's school bus coming] It's only two blocks away! [grabs both Bart and Lisa and bonks their heads at each other and brushes their teeth]
- Bart: But I've gotta spit.
- Marge: You can spit on the bus! [changes their pajamas to their clothes while going downstairs. Bart is wearing Lisa's clothes and Lisa is wearing Bart's clothes]
- Bart: [holding Lisa's dress] Uh, mom--
- Marge: [to Bart] Not now, Lisa. [grabs him and Lisa]