- Nelson: Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
- Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
- Martin: [Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ring, ring, ring went the bell. Zing, zing, sing went my heartstrings...
- [Nelson punches Martin in stomach]
- Martin: OW!
- Mr. Burns: Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
- [A deprogrammer has just finished forcing 'Bart' into forgetting Mr Burns and coming back to the Simpson family]
- Deprogrammer: Well, it was a grueling two weeks, but you have your son back.
- [Hans Moleman walks out]
- Hans Moleman: Mom, Dad, I missed you.
- Homer: [sighing with relief Homer kisses Hans Moleman on the head]
- Marge: Homer, that's Hans Moleman.
- Homer: Can I keep him anyway, huh, huh?
- [Mr. Burns attempts to prove to Bart that his family does not love him, and shows him a scripted version of a false Simpsons residence]
- Homer actor: [voice unlike Homer's] I do not miss Bart at all.
- Marge actress: I am glad he's gone.
- Lisa actor: As am I.
- [Homer actor drops his sandwich]
- Homer Actor: B'oh!
- Bart: It's probably my imagination, but, something about them doesn't seem quite right.
- Mr. Burns: Really? Excuse me for just a moment. [walks into a secret room where the actors are] People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh!", he says [goes through script] "D'oh!"
- Homer Actor: Sorry M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of a neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?!
- Marge actress: And this dialog has none of the wit and sparkle of Murphy Brown.
- Lisa actor: Hey, you know we're about getting into golden time.
- Mr. Burns: Yes. Well just get it right, or you'll all be back doing Come Blow Your Horn at the Westport Dinner Theatre.
- [Bart and Lisa are dejected after failing at their auditions to become Mr. Burns' heir]
- Marge: (to Homer) I think Bart and Lisa are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say?
- Homer: There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, "Never Try.
- Lionel Hutz: As for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state, often as a lawyer.
- Homer Actor: Duh-Oh!
- (After the THX Screen)
- Abe: Turn it up! TURN IT UP!
- Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.
- Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
- Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool...
- Bart: (reading Homer's written cue cards) Hello, Mr... Kurns. I bad want... money now. Me sick.
- Homer: Oooh, he card-reads good.
- Bart: So pick please me, Mr. Burns.
- Homer: It's Kurns, stupid!
- Marge: No, it's not.
- Homer: (to Bart) Disregard.
- Lenny: (pleading for his job without using the letter "e") I'm a good work... guy...
- Mr. Burns: You're fired, Leonard.
- Lenny: But I didn't say...
- Mr. Burns: You will (pulls trap door lever).
- Lenny: (falls and screams)
- Bart: And I had the greatest time! Mr. Burns' house has everything: a hedge-maze, a moat, bleached hardwood floors, and a bottomless pit.
- Lisa: It couldn't possibly be bottomless.
- Bart: Well, for all intents and purposes.
- Marge: [to Chief Wiggum] I'm very concerned. Mr. Burns has stolen our son and he won't give him back!
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g... can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
- Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
- Marge: Are you sure you can get him back for us?
- Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
- Marge: What about Peter Fonda?
- Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
- Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one.