|Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?||
- [It is time for the annual company physicals at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.]
- Tester: [looking at readout] This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat!
- [The tester turns to see Homer eating a chicken drumstick while he's suspended in the buoyancy tank.]
- Tester: Hey, no eating in the tank!
- Homer: Go to Hell.
- Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
- Homer: [matter-of-factly] Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough.
- [The results from the company physical show that radiation from the nuclear plant has made Homer sterile. To keep him from suing, Mr. Burns concocts a story about Homer getting the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. All he has to do is sign a form (which is actually a waiver). At Homer's insistence, Burns includes a trophy and a big awards ceremony.]
- Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
- Bart: What about the Emmys?
- Lisa: I stand corrected. (They hug.)
- Bart: There, there, you're safe now, little sister. (Bart kisses Lisa's cheek.)
- Homer: (anonymous) Did you hear what he just said?
- [Burns introduces Smokin' Joe Frazier, who presents the award.]
- Joe Frazier: And now, the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence...
- Homer: [eyes closed, crossing fingers] Please-please-please-please-please!
- Lisa: Dad, you know you won!
- Homer: Don't jinx it!
- [Meanwhile, Homer's half-brother Hobo Herb has been living as a bum since losing his car company. He sees a young mother struggling to understand her baby, and gets the idea of inventing a baby translator to make his fortune back.]
- Herb: [talking to fellow bums] I'm tellin' you, all a man needs is an idea. And I've got an idea!
- Bum: Then how come you're still a bum?
- Herb: All right, a man needs two things. An idea, and money to get it off the ground.
- [While the family is in a furniture store shopping for a new couch, Homer tries out a fancy vibrating recliner called the "Spinemelter 2000" and falls in love.]
- Homer: [still vibrating] I-I-I-I-'l-l-l-l-l t-t-t-a-a-a-k-k-k-e-e-e i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t-t!!!!
- [Marge Looks At Price Tag]
- Marge: [looking at price tag] This chair is two thousand dollars! We could buy a whole living room set for that.
- Homer: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service... but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
- [After accidentally going to the Flanders house, Herb rings the Simpsons' doorbell and waits for someone to answer.]
- Herb: "What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
- [The door finally opens. It's Homer.]
- Homer: Herb?
- [Herb punches Homer in the jaw and walks inside.]
- Bart and Lisa: Unky Herb!
- Herb: Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you. [They hug.]
- Homer: [rubbing his head] You weren't so glad to see me.
- Herb: I'm sorry, Homer. But I'm still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!
- Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
- Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.
- [The Simpsons and Herb sit down to dinner. Bart makes small talk.]
- Bart: Unky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy who will most likely become a bum like yourself?
- Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.
- [After borrowing Homer's $2,000 of "Excellence" money and spending hours working with Maggie, Herb is ready to unveil his baby translator prototype.]
- Herb: Now, I bet you're all wondering what's under this sheet.
- Bart: Not really. We peeked inside while you were in the john.
- Herb: Well, here it is again. My baby translator! [pulls the sheet off]
- Marge: [impressed] "Oooooooooo!!!
- Herb: Marge, you don't have to humor me.
- Marge: Well, it's pretty ingrained.
- Herb: What do you think, Homer?
- Homer: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand dollars on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks!
- Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?
- Homer: I'll try, but I can't.
- [Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles. The translator goes into action.]
- Maggie: [via translator] Lavish attention on me and entertain me.
- Marge: [gasps] Maggie! You talked!
- Herb: You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind.
- Lisa: [covering Maggie's eyes] Maggie? Maggie?
- Maggie: [via translator] Where did you go?
- Lisa: [uncovering Maggie's eyes] Peek-a-boo!
- Maggie: [via translator] Oh, there you are. Very amusing.
- Herb: Well, Homer, now what do you think?
- Homer: I don't know, Herb. People are afraid of new things. You should have taken an existing product and put a clock in it or something.
- Marge: Homer, every mother in the country is going to want one of these.
- [Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles again.]
- Maggie: [via translator] I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.
- [At the Baby Convention, Herb's translator is a big hit and sells extremely well, making him his fortune back. Herb pays Homer back the $2,000 he borrowed and gives gifts to Marge and the kids.]
- Homer: [looking forlorn] Herb, I don't think there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me.
- Herb: Homer, walk me to my car. [They go outside.]
- Homer: What do I get? What do I get? It's not another punch in the face, is it? Because if it is, I don't want it.
- Herb: This is what you get. I forgive you. You can call me brother, and I can do the same.
- Homer: That's it?
- Herb: That's it.
- Homer: I see your point - brother.
- Herb: Give me a hug - brother.
- Homer: All right, but I've never really hugged a man before.
- [As the two brothers embrace, a delivery truck from "The Seatery" pulls into the driveway, behind Homer.]
- Herb: Homer, I bought you the damn chair.
- [Now ecstatic, Homer covers Herb with kisses.]
|◄ Season 2||Season 3 Quotes||Season 4 ►|
|Stark Raving Dad • Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington • When Flanders Failed • Bart the Murderer • Homer Defined • Like Father, Like Clown • Treehouse of Horror II • Lisa's Pony • Saturdays of Thunder • Flaming Moe's • Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk • I Married Marge • Radio Bart • Lisa the Greek • Homer Alone • Bart the Lover • Homer at the Bat • Separate Vocations • Dog of Death • Colonel Homer • Black Widower • The Otto Show • Bart's Friend Falls in Love • Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?|