Brother's Little Helper/Quotes

Episode	References	Gags	Appearances	Gallery	Quotes	Credits

◄ Beyond Blunderdome

Brother's Little Helper

Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? ►

Bart: You know how they say most people use 10% of their brain?

Lisa: Yeah?

Bart: Well now, I'm one of them!

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Pharm Team Lady: This pill reduces class-clownism by 44 percent.

Pharm Team Man: With 60 percent less sass-mouth!

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Bart: Thanks for coming out here, Mom.

Marge: No, thank you for stopping the tank!

Bart: It ran out of gas!

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Homer: My god is she brave. Standing up to that freaked out junkie.

Lisa: Dad, that junkie is your son!

Homer: Why don't you just tell everybody?!

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Wiggum: Shoot the tires out, Lou!

Lou: Uh…it's a tank, chief!

Wiggum: You know what? I'm getting real tired of your excuses!

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Ralph: And I want a bike! And a monkey! And a friend for the monkey!

Forest Fire Bear: You're not going to start any fires, are you?

Ralph: At my house we call them uh-oh's!

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Skinner: Bart, will you go bother someone else?

Bart': (yelling) Look, a fire!!!! …engine.

Skinner: Stop that!

Bart: (yelling) Help, help, fire!!!! …helmet.

Skinner: Can't you do something constructive!?

Bart': Sure, I can do something destructive!

[Skinner growls as Bart leaves]

Groundskeeper Willie: Just say the word and I'll drive this hoe in his back! (cheerfully) I can make it look like suicide.

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Mark McGwire: Do you want to hear the terrifying truth, or would you like to see me sock a few dingers!?

Townsfolk: Dingers! Dingers!

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Chief Wiggum [to Bart]: That's the end of your Looney Tune, Drugs Bunny. You're under arrest for astro-vandalism.

Moe: And may god help you if that carried the Spice Channel.

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[Bart points the tank turret at the school]

Principal Skinner: [gasp] Good Lord! He's going to fire!

Jimbo: All right! Scud the school, dude!

Mrs. Krabappel: (without enthusiasm) No. Stop. Think of the children.

[Bart moves the turret towards the church]

Reverend Lovejoy: Not the church! Jesus lives there!

[Bart moves the turret to aim at the Discount Frames store]

Homer: The frames store! You monster!

[Bart aims at the sky]

Sideshow Mel: Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!

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Homer: So I gave up tap for jazz, and I've never regretted it... Now here's why...

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[When Bart comes out of the pep closet dressed up as a cheerleader]

Bart: [cheers] Give me an F! Give me an art!

Principal Skinner: Good Lord, he went in the pep closet!

Homer: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

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Bart: Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.

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Principal Skinner: Fire can be our servant, whether it's toasting S'mores or raining down on Charlie.

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Bart: I don't want to take drugs.

Homer: Sure you do. All your favorite stars abuse drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen ...

Marge: ... Tommy Lee ...

Homer: ... Andy Dick.

Bart: He's just flamboyant.

Homer: Yeah, and I'm a size four.

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Marge [to Bart]: Good morning, honey. [kisses him] How is my special little guy?

Bart: I’m having side effects from the dope.

Marge: It’s not dope! It’s something to help you concentrate.

Bart: All I know is my testicles won’t fit my underwear. [scene shows two bulges in Bart’s shorts]

Marge: Bart, get those oranges out of there. [Bart laughs and gives the oranges back to Marge] Back in the lunches you go. [puts them in Bart and Lisa’s lunches]

Lisa: Ew, Mom.

Marge: Oh, grow up.

Bart: Yeah.

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[At dinnertime, Marge finds a note taped to her chair]

Marge: Hmmm. [opens the envelope and reads the note]: “Thank you in advance for a world-class meal. You’re an inspiration to our entire organization. Thanks again, Bart.” [to Bart] Oh, what a lovely gesture.

Bart: Cost of paper: 5 cents. A mother’s love: priceless.

Marge: Aw.

Homer: Do I get a card?

Bart: No, but here’s a book called “Chicken Soup for the Loser” that gave Bill Buckner the courage to open up a chain of laundromats. [gives him the book]

Homer: Hmm, my career as kind of lost momentum.

Bart: I think it’s the bright blue pants. I mean, you’re not on a golf course.

Homer: Well, I’ve been thinking about making them into cutoffs.

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[The next day at work, Homer wears cutoffs]

Homer [to Lenny and Carl]: I tell you, the kid's a wonder. He organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action.

Lenny: That's gotta save all kinds of travel time.

Homer: You know it. Plus, he gave me this appointment dealy. It's got my whole week in there.

Carl: [whistles] Sweet.

Homer: Ah, this thing will do anything. Watch, I'll ask it how many leagues in a furlong. No, wait, I'll make it say, "Whassamatta, you?" in Turkish. [fiddles with keyboard; organizer says “Whassamatta, you?” in Turkish] And look at this: [pulls out a grater from the side of the organizer] a cheese grater!

Lenny: Man, technology's amazing.

Carl: A guy can do great things with a gadget like that.

Homer: Oh, if you want one, they sell 'em at…

Carl: [interrupts] Yeah, a guy can do great things. [slurps his soda]

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[When Marge and Homer come home, Lisa and Maggie are waiting for them outside on the front step]

Lisa: I’m so glad you’re home. Bart’s acting really funny.

Homer: Ray J funny or OJ funny?

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[The family goes into Bart’s bedroom where the ceiling is filled with hang wires dangling from a string. Bart is wearing a trash can lid on his head as he’s wrapping himself up in aluminum foil ]

Bart: You're probably wondering about the coat hangers. They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me.

Marge: Okay ...

Bart: It can read your electric organizer from space.

Homer: Even mine? [Bart takes it and smashes it] Hey, I had Lenny's name on that!

Bart: They have it now.

Lisa: Who are they, exactly?

Bart: Who else? Major League Baseball.

Homer: [in a loud whisper] Marge, I think Bart's gone crazy.

Lisa: Oh, Bart, what's happened to you?

Bart: Nothing yet, but the time draws near. [whips out a pair of pliers] Now let's get those fillings out of you!

Lisa: [screams]

Homer: [takes the pliers] Hey, you found my needle-nose pliers.

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[Homer and Marge take Bart back to the Pharm Team facility; Bart is running on a treadmill]

Marge: I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?

Male Pharmacist: Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.

Marge: Oh.

Female Pharmacist: You said he was concerned about satellites?

Marge: And their beams.

Female Pharmacist: Any other strange behavior?

Homer: He quit blinking. He says that's when they kill you.

Female Pharmacist: I had a feeling that might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. [indicates the molecular model]

Homer: And we trusted you! [strangles model]

Marge: I think we should take him off the drug.

Male Pharmacist: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go off Focusyn.

Female Pharmacist: But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.

Male Pharmacist: Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone?

Female Pharmacist: That's a great idea! [they share a kiss]

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Mr. Burns: Smithers, we're at war!

Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.

Mr. Burns: And hoarding. Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.

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Comic Book Guy: Egad: a maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly ... Ghost Rider.

Otto: Well, what about Superman?

Comic Book Guy: Oh, please.

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Lisa: [hugs Bart] It's good to have the old Bart back. Plus, he's exposed the disturbing unreadiness of today's army.

Marge: Oh, Bart, I'm so sorry we sent you on that psychotropic hayride.

Bart: At least I got to see some cool colors.

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Logo: Shhh!

Mark McGwire: Oh, why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show!