|Brother's Little Helper||
- Bart: You know how they say most people use 10% of their brain?
- Lisa: Yeah?
- Bart: Well now, I'm one of them!
- Pharm Team Lady: This pill reduces class-clownism by 44 percent.
- Pharm Team Man: With 60 percent less sass-mouth!
- Bart: Thanks for coming out here, Mom.
- Marge: No, thank you for stopping the tank!
- Bart: It ran out of gas!
- Homer: My god is she brave. Standing up to that freaked out junkie.
- Lisa: Dad, that junkie is your son!
- Homer: Why don't you just tell everybody?!
- Wiggum: Shoot the tires out, Lou!
- Lou: Uh…it's a tank, chief!
- Wiggum: You know what? I'm getting real tired of your excuses!
- Ralph: And I want a bike! And a monkey! And a friend for the monkey!
- Forest Fire Bear: You're not going to start any fires, are you?
- Ralph: At my house we call them uh-oh's!
- Skinner: Bart, will you go bother someone else?
- Bart': (yelling) Look, a fire!!!! …engine.
- Skinner: Stop that!
- Bart: (yelling) Help, help, fire!!!! …helmet.
- Skinner: Can't you do something constructive!?
- Bart': Sure, I can do something destructive!
- [Skinner growls as Bart leaves]
- Groundskeeper Willie: Just say the word and I'll drive this hoe in his back! (cheerfully) I can make it look like suicide.
- Mark McGwire: Do you want to hear the terrifying truth, or would you like to see me sock a few dingers!?
- Townsfolk: Dingers! Dingers!
- Chief Wiggum [to Bart]: That's the end of your Looney Tune, Drugs Bunny. You're under arrest for astro-vandalism.
- Moe: And may god help you if that carried the Spice Channel.
- [Bart points the tank turret at the school]
- Principal Skinner: [gasp] Good Lord! He's going to fire!
- Jimbo: All right! Scud the school, dude!
- Mrs. Krabappel: (without enthusiasm) No. Stop. Think of the children.
- [Bart moves the turret towards the church]
- Reverend Lovejoy: Not the church! Jesus lives there!
- [Bart moves the turret to aim at the Discount Frames store]
- Homer: The frames store! You monster!
- [Bart aims at the sky]
- Sideshow Mel: Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!
- Homer: So I gave up tap for jazz, and I've never regretted it... Now here's why...
- [When Bart comes out of the pep closet dressed up as a cheerleader]
- Bart: [cheers] Give me an F! Give me an art!
- Principal Skinner: Good Lord, he went in the pep closet!
- Homer: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.
- Bart: Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
- Principal Skinner: Fire can be our servant, whether it's toasting S'mores or raining down on Charlie.
- Bart: I don't want to take drugs.
- Homer: Sure you do. All your favorite stars abuse drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen ...
- Marge: ... Tommy Lee ...
- Homer: ... Andy Dick.
- Bart: He's just flamboyant.
- Homer: Yeah, and I'm a size four.
- Marge [to Bart]: Good morning, honey. [kisses him] How is my special little guy?
- Bart: I’m having side effects from the dope.
- Marge: It’s not dope! It’s something to help you concentrate.
- Bart: All I know is my testicles won’t fit my underwear. [scene shows two bulges in Bart’s shorts]
- Marge: Bart, get those oranges out of there. [Bart laughs and gives the oranges back to Marge] Back in the lunches you go. [puts them in Bart and Lisa’s lunches]
- Lisa: Ew, Mom.
- Marge: Oh, grow up.
- Bart: Yeah.
- [At dinnertime, Marge finds a note taped to her chair]
- Marge: Hmmm. [opens the envelope and reads the note]: “Thank you in advance for a world-class meal. You’re an inspiration to our entire organization. Thanks again, Bart.” [to Bart] Oh, what a lovely gesture.
- Bart: Cost of paper: 5 cents. A mother’s love: priceless.
- Marge: Aw.
- Homer: Do I get a card?
- Bart: No, but here’s a book called “Chicken Soup for the Loser” that gave Bill Buckner the courage to open up a chain of laundromats. [gives him the book]
- Homer: Hmm, my career as kind of lost momentum.
- Bart: I think it’s the bright blue pants. I mean, you’re not on a golf course.
- Homer: Well, I’ve been thinking about making them into cutoffs.
- [The next day at work, Homer wears cutoffs]
- Homer [to Lenny and Carl]: I tell you, the kid's a wonder. He organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action.
- Lenny: That's gotta save all kinds of travel time.
- Homer: You know it. Plus, he gave me this appointment dealy. It's got my whole week in there.
- Carl: [whistles] Sweet.
- Homer: Ah, this thing will do anything. Watch, I'll ask it how many leagues in a furlong. No, wait, I'll make it say, "Whassamatta, you?" in Turkish. [fiddles with keyboard; organizer says “Whassamatta, you?” in Turkish] And look at this: [pulls out a grater from the side of the organizer] a cheese grater!
- Lenny: Man, technology's amazing.
- Carl: A guy can do great things with a gadget like that.
- Homer: Oh, if you want one, they sell 'em at…
- Carl: [interrupts] Yeah, a guy can do great things. [slurps his soda]
- [When Marge and Homer come home, Lisa and Maggie are waiting for them outside on the front step]
- Lisa: I’m so glad you’re home. Bart’s acting really funny.
- Homer: Ray J funny or OJ funny?
- [The family goes into Bart’s bedroom where the ceiling is filled with hang wires dangling from a string. Bart is wearing a trash can lid on his head as he’s wrapping himself up in aluminum foil ]
- Bart: You're probably wondering about the coat hangers. They're to block the satellite that's been spying on me.
- Marge: Okay ...
- Bart: It can read your electric organizer from space.
- Homer: Even mine? [Bart takes it and smashes it] Hey, I had Lenny's name on that!
- Bart: They have it now.
- Lisa: Who are they, exactly?
- Bart: Who else? Major League Baseball.
- Homer: [in a loud whisper] Marge, I think Bart's gone crazy.
- Lisa: Oh, Bart, what's happened to you?
- Bart: Nothing yet, but the time draws near. [whips out a pair of pliers] Now let's get those fillings out of you!
- Lisa: [screams]
- Homer: [takes the pliers] Hey, you found my needle-nose pliers.
- [Homer and Marge take Bart back to the Pharm Team facility; Bart is running on a treadmill]
- Marge: I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?
- Male Pharmacist: Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.
- Marge: Oh.
- Female Pharmacist: You said he was concerned about satellites?
- Marge: And their beams.
- Female Pharmacist: Any other strange behavior?
- Homer: He quit blinking. He says that's when they kill you.
- Female Pharmacist: I had a feeling that might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. [indicates the molecular model]
- Homer: And we trusted you! [strangles model]
- Marge: I think we should take him off the drug.
- Male Pharmacist: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go off Focusyn.
- Female Pharmacist: But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.
- Male Pharmacist: Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone?
- Female Pharmacist: That's a great idea! [they share a kiss]
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, we're at war!
- Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.
- Mr. Burns: And hoarding. Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.
- Jeffery Albertson: Egad: a maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly ... Ghost Rider.
- Otto: Well, what about Superman?
- Jeffery Albertson: Oh, please.
- Lisa: [hugs Bart] It's good to have the old Bart back. Plus, he's exposed the disturbing unreadiness of today's army.
- Marge: Oh, Bart, I'm so sorry we sent you on that psychotropic hayride.
- Bart: At least I got to see some cool colors.
- Logo: Shhh!
- Mark McGwire: Oh, why'd you have to shush? You ruined the whole show!
- Krusty: I said start it at 60 RMP! Then move it up to 100 on the skirt blow!
- Associate Producer: Sorry, Krusty. I choked.
- Krusty: You choked?! (grabs producer at the throat) YOU CHOKED?!