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- Marge: Why do I ever put you in charge of the littlest thing? (sobs) My biggest sin is that I dare to hope! (sobs)
- Homer: Oh, Marge. I can't stand it when you cry at dinner. The pork chops look traumatized. The mashed potatoes can't stand to watch. Even the children seem upset.
- Gary Chalmers: According to this file from Blazing Guy Secret Security, your behavior was so egregious we can do something that we've never done before: Fire a Teacher.
- Principal Skinner: Hand in your red pen.
- Jack Lassen gives the Red Pen to Seymour Skinner, and it crashed the pen onto his hand.
- Principal Skinner: Oh. Not gonna pass fingernail inspection tonight.
- Gary Chalmers: So where do you go from here?
- Jack Lassen: A place where my talents will be appreciated.
- At the Springfield Penitentiary...
- Jack Lassen: All right, lights out! he knocks the door jail at least triple, and all people has been lights out, except Sideshow Bob.
- Jack Lassen: You, too, freak! Sideshow Bob appears when he hates Bart
- Jack Lassen: You hate him, too?
- Sideshow Bob: With every fiber of what's left of my wretched soul.
- Jack Lassen: We should team up, I can get you out of here.
- Sideshow Bob: A partner? Intriguing. Who gets to gut him like a little pot-bellied salmon?
- Jack Lassen: I assumed we'd take turns.
- Sideshow Bob: No deal!