- Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web?
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, tow us in!
- Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do his job.
- Chief Wiggum: No, no, please. It's the only way I'll learn.
- Homer: Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button!
- Sideshow Bob: Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha.
- Homer: I am not!
- Bart: Her only hopes were a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.
- Bart: Aunt Selma has one hour to live!
- Homer: Hey, down in front!
- Selma: And here's another breathtaking sight... my brand new hubby!
- Sideshow Bob: I wanted a room with a fireplace you brainless luggage monkey, like the one in your brochure!... Oh Selma dear... I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis! Now, smile for the camera, there's a good lad!
- Flashback to Bob's imprisonment. Krusty is presenting an award on TV.
- Krusty: And The nominees are:
- Krusty: Droopy Drawers!
- Krusty: Colonel Coward!
- Krusty: Pepito, the Biggest Cat in the Whole Wide World!
- Krusty: Sideshow Bob.
- Sideshow Bob is shown on camera feed.
- Screen crawl: LIVE FROM SPRINGFIELD PENN.
- Krusty: And Suck-Up the Vacuum.
- Screen crawl: NOW FILMING MOVIE IN SPAIN.
- Krusty: And the Emmy goes to...
- Krusty opens envelope and his cheerful demeanor turns to disappointment.
- Krusty: ...oh I don't believe this, Sideshow Bob.
- Sideshow Bob is handed the Emmy in his prison cell.
- Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
- Krusty: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
- Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!
- Krusty: Second banana!
- Sideshow Bob: Panderer!
- Krusty: Boor!
- Prison guards and medical orderlies tackle Sideshow Bob and sedate him at the first sign of anger.
- (during a vision test at the DMV)
- Hans Moleman: A, G, Q, 7.
- Selma: Close enough. May you drive safely, and find true love.
- [as the Simpsons are watching television]
- Papa Dinosaur: Would you turn off that Rock and Rock music?
- Boy Dinosaur: Hey, don't have a Stegosaurus, man!
- Lisa: These talking dinosaurs are more real than most real families on TV!
- [baby Stegosaurus bangs Papa Stegosaurus on the head with a frying pan]
- Homer: Look Maggie, they have a baby too!
- Bart: It's like they saw they our lives and put it right on screen.
- Patty: Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
- Bart: Coooool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunchtray!
- Sideshow Bob: You can't take my Emmy!
- Prison Guard: Hey, you know the rules. Awards for excellence in entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe.
- Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family?
- Selma: All right, but no tongues. [takes out her cigarette and puckers up]
- Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that's not what I had in mind. Selma, will you marry me?
- [family gasps]
- Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma. That man is a scum.
- Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum.
- Selma: What did I miss?
- Patty: MacGyver was wearing a tank top!
- Selma: Dang!
- Sideshow Bob: Selma, I thought I was the only man in your life?
- Selma: Sit down and shut up!
- Lisa: I could have been the flower girl; and I wouldn't keep falling down, either!
- Bart: Hey, they chose Maggie, okay?
- Lisa: Yeah, well if you wanna go for cutesiness instead of competence, fine.
- Chief Wiggum: If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake.
- Homer: Ooh, appetizers!
- Sideshow Bob: Well Homer you seem to be a trenchman, what should we serve?
- Homer: Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce, it looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain’t ketchup.
- Selma: Ah get whatever you want, it all tastes like Styrofoam to me.
- Selma: Driver, here's a fin. Get me home and don't spare the whip!
- Barney: [as the carriage driver] Whatever you say, Mum! [belch]
- Selma: That MacGyver's a genius.
- Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor. And second, he's not much of an actor.
- Selma: You're lying! You're lying!
- Sideshow Bob: No, Selma. This is lying. [puts on an absurd smile] That was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.
- Selma: No! [cries and run out]
- Bart: Bart no like. Bad medicine.
- Marge: Krusty, say something funny!
- Krusty: Uh, gee, a joke, uuh…umm…eh ah funny, okay, this guy walks into a bar, he takes out a tiny piano, and a twelve inch pianist, oh, wait, I can't tell that one! Oh ho!
- Bart: Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser?
- Chief Wiggum: Well, no, frankly. But that never stopped us before heh.
- Sideshow Bob: [rubbing Selma's feet] [quietly] Soon I will kill you...
- Selma: What?
- Sideshow Bob: Son pied sent il beau. French for "Her foot smells lovely."
- Selma: Oh...
- Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Prepare to be murdered...
- Selma: Huh?
- Sideshow Bob: /eh pah dee meh moo-doo/. That's Sanskrit for "Your toes are like perfume."
- Selma: [calms down] Oh...
- Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Voy a matar a usted.
- Selma: Wha?
- Sideshow Bob: That's Spanish for... [quietly] I'm going to kill you...
- Selma: Say what?
- Sideshow Bob: My dear I do believe it is time for your beloved MacGyver.
- [Selma checks the time]
- Selma: oh You're right!
- Selma: [slaps Bob] You tried to kill me! I want a separation!
- Sideshow Bob: [cops surround Bob] My best-laid plans have gang agley!
- Selma: We're a package; love me, love MacGyver. I guess the wedding's off.