- Skinner: Meet your new teacher, Ms. Cantwell. Do not call her by the obvious dirty nickname. Now I must meet with the new art teacher, Mr. Testiclees. (the kids laugh)
- Ralph: I'm a fun factory! (eats Play-doh and squirts it out of his nose and ears)
- Homer: (after being punched by Flanders) I didn't know you were left-handed.
- Flanders: My mustache fell out—this is a clip-on. Sorry, Homer. Now, do you mind if I pray to your bed-side?
- Homer: No, I don't—if you pray to Superman.
- Flanders: (chuckles) Not praying to a character in a comic book.
- Homer: What about Christian Archie comics?
- Flanders: Neither canonical nor comical.
- Homer: Here. I'll get you started. Hail Superman wearing tights—Clark Kent be thy name. One nation under Zod.
- Flanders: Not praying to Superman!
- Homer: Grouch!
- Marge: Flanders, Homie's a little cranky right now. More than his eye, I think you hurt his feelings.
- Homer: Give him one of your famous murmurs, Marge.
- Marge: My what?
- Homer: Your famous murmur. You know? (murmurs)
- Marge: I never made that noise in my life! (murmurs)
- Homer: Thanks, Flanders! Punch my eye; destroy my marriage—now just pull the plug and let me die!
- Flanders: That's the plug (pulls plug) for the light. (Homer imitates flatine; Flanders scoffs)
- Lisa: Ms. Cantwell?
- Ms. Cantwell: Yes?
- Lisa: Why are you so mean to me?
- Ms. Cantwell: You really want to know?
- Lisa: More than I want unicorns to be real.
- Ms. Cantwell: Well, if you guess, I'll give you extra credit.
- Lisa: I remind you of you.
- Ms. Cantwell: Now you've got a demerit.
- Lisa: This class doesn't give demerits.
- Ms. Cantwell: Now it does, and you just got another one.
- Lisa: What if I home-school?
- Ms. Cantwell: You're bluffing—I've driven by your home! (Lisa gasps)
- Ms. Cantwell: (as a figment of Lisa's imagination) Here's the new deal: you fail! (evil laugh)
- Marge: I wish you wouldn't wear sweaters that the senior ladies knit.
- Grampa: Well, putting my arms in sleeves about all I've got to offer a woman. (enter Lisa, groaning)
- Marge: What's the matter, sweetie? Is a book character having difficulties?
- Lisa: I have a bully at school.
- Marge: Oh. Did you tell the teacher?
- Lisa: My bully is my teacher.
- Marge: A teacher can't be a bully.
- Grampa: Oh, they sure can! When I was a boy, teachers would rap my knuckles with a yardstick. Now, you've got the (condescending) metric system.
- Lisa: We don't have the metric system.
- Grampa: What? This isn't Sweden, and I'm not King Olaf? Oh, I've got some explaining to do down at the bank. (puts on makeshift crown and wields makeshift scepter)
- Marge: Our daughter is being bullied by your teacher.
- Chalmers: Mrs. Simpson, this school does not hire bullies.
- Skinner: That's right. We—
- Chalmers: Quiet, nerd!
- Homer: I hate unions! There's this guy at my plant—caused three meltdowns, and he still keeps his job!
- Marge: Homer, that's you.
- Homer: Oh, yeah. I say "union"; you say "power"! Union!
- Marge: Power.
- Homer: Union!
- Marge: Power.
- Homer: Marge, you're really donging it on the "power," but don't worry. Because of the union, you're safe!
- (Flanders meets with Homer at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant)
- Homer: How did you get in here? This place is a highly sensitive area.
- Lenny: (giving a tour of the power plant to young boy scouts) Who here wants to touch radiation? (all scouts raise their hands)
- Flanders: Jeepers creepers! Pop my peeper!
- Flanders: I'm insisting on a fisting!
- Smithers: What's this about a fisting?
- Homer: I'm not punching you, Flanders!
- Flanders: What? Why?
- Homer: Because if I hit you back, we'll be even, but if I don't hit you, that makes me the better man, and I'm liking the way that feels.
- Flanders: No! You can't! If I'm not as good as you, then I'm horrible!
- Homer: It's not for me to judge, Ned, because I am the better man!
- Flanders: Now there's no need to—
- Homer: Better man coming through! Way better, better, better. Way better, better, better. Zing!
- Flanders: Enough!
- Homer: You may be the sweater man, but Homer is the better man!
- Flanders: Now you're rhyming? (punches Homer)
- Homer: Augh! I didn't know you were left-handed.
- Ms. Cantwell: Hello, Lisa. I was shocked to hear from Principal Skinner that you and I aren't getting along.
- Skinner: You should never tell on a bully, Lisa; everyone knows that.
- Mr. Largo: What are you in for? Murdering Chopin? (the other students laugh)
- Jimbo: Chopin.
- Lisa: Can I ask you guys something? Why does someone become a bully?
- Jimbo: Neglect.
- Dolph: Abuse.
- Kearney: I'm a Cubs fan.
- Lisa: But why would my teacher be a bully? (the bullies gasp)
- Nelson: I don't know.
- Jimbo: Your bully's a teacher?
- Kearney: That means all of us can be teachers!
- Dolph: Boo-yeah! I'm gonna buy me a Hyundai Elantra.
- Apu: Do not cross—it is that monster that terrorizes the jolly fat man!
- Flanders: Come on, people; you're safe as Sunday with me—I wouldn't hurt a fly. (a fly flies into Flanders' mouth)
- Sideshow Mel: I saw the whole thing: that innocent fly flew from that fresh pile of dog feces right into that monster's mouth!
- Homer: Fear not, people—I will lead you safely across! (in doing so, he nearly gets run over)
- Driver: Idiot!
- Homer: Help me, Flanders! (Flanders sighs)
- Flanders: Never getting to heaven. Took harp lessons for nothing.
- Homer: Every time I try to fix things, it just makes things worse, but I'm gonna fix this!
- Homer: Flanders, I've come to forgive you.
- Flanders: My prayers have been answered—well, actually, just this one.
- Flanders: Edna Krabappel, you know how you said you could help me with any desire, and nothing was forbidden? Well, sure, I want you to get rid of Lisa's bully teacher.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Whoo! There's only one way: the Nuclear Option.
- Homer: How much plutonium do you want? Gotta warn ya—it might take me twenty minutes to get it.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Ms. Cantwell?
- Ms. Cantwell: Yes?
- Mrs. Krabappel: I have a new student for your class. (enter Bart)
- Bart: Yo.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Yes. This is a very rare mid-year, two-grade send-back.
- Ms. Cantwell: Something's fishy—are you dating this boy?
- Mrs. Krabappel: (sarcastic) Right. I can't be around him because he's so delicious.
- Ralph: (trapped inside a map) When I come out of this, I'll be a butterfly!
- Ms. Cantwell: Stupid Lisa! Stupid Lisa! Stupid Lisa!
- Chalmers: Wait; wait! There's no need to leave!
- Skinner: You showed up before the students—that's all we asked.
- Ms. Cantwell: You two are the worst-dressed gay men I've ever met! (drives off; sees Lisa on her windshield)
- Lisa: Ms. Cantwell, wait! (Ms. Cantwell stops) I've got to know before you leave—why don't you like me?
- Ms. Cantwell: Lisa, sometimes you just don't like a person. There's no logical explanation; it just is.
- Lisa: That is so unsatisfying. (sighs)
- Ms. Cantwell: Here we go! If you don't get what you want, you get all pout-y. All you pretty girls are the same.
- Lisa: You think I'm pretty?
- Ms. Cantwell: Right! Like you don't get told that every day of your life with your perfect, blonde hair; that Kewpie doll voice that drives the boys crazy—and what eight-year-old wears pearls? Bookworms like me can't stand party girls like you!
- Lisa: She hates me because I'm pretty! Woo-hoo! (Ms. Cantwell speeds off, splattering mud on Lisa)
- Ms. Cantwell: Not so pretty now, are you?
- Lisa: Can you sign my yearbook?
- Flanders: (to Homer) I'm glad the only beef between us is this burger.
- Marge: They sure are getting along.
- Nedsel Flanders: (chortles) They don't know it, but I slipped a little (whistles) into the brownies I gave them. (Homer and Flanders are on their knees—they look like they are praying)
- Flanders: How long has it been since we prayed together, neighbor?
- Homer: This is praying? (crawling away) Let me out of here! (whimpers) Help me, God!