TV Announcer: Coming up on the Clock Channel: 6:00.
Bart: Wait, I already saw this one.
Lisa: Bart, the test is in 2 hours, and you haven't slept in a fortnight!
Bart: What's a fortnight?
Lisa: You should know, it's on the test!
Mrs. Krabappel: No pressure, children, but these test results will follow you for the rest of your life and beyond the grave.
Nelson: Ha ha!
Mrs. McConnell: Young man, you're not in this class. What are you doing here?
Nelson: Laughing at jerks.
[Later on the class field trip]
Nelson: Ha ha!
Mrs. McConnell: You weren't on this field trip! How did you get here?
Homer: Hey, you can't fool us. We're from the "Learn to Fart" state.
Lisa: Bart cheated!
Mrs. McConnell: Young lady, in the third grade we don't care for tattletales.
Lisa [moans]: Ohhhhh.
Mrs. McConnell: And we don't care for moaners, either.
Lisa: [starts crying]
Mrs. McConnell: Crying only pushes Bart's grade higher!
Bart [while Lisa is doing her homework]: Quiet nerds burp only near school.
Lisa: Bart, I'm doing my geography homework.
Bart: I know. That's how you remember the 4 original provinces of Canada. Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, Nova Scotia; "Quiet Nerds Burp Only Near School." And here's how you remember the principle exports; "Dogs Eat Barf Only On Wednesday, Mable."
Lisa: Stop! I want to learn on my own.
Bart [walks out of the room; hangs from a vent]: Canada's govenor's general; "Clowns Love Haircuts, So Should Lee Marvin's Vallet."
Lisa: Get out! (tries to hit Bart with her book)
Bart: And the Lord said, "Let there be crap!"
Bart: What?! I gotta be in the same class as her?
Lisa: What?! I gotta be in the same class as him?
Homer: (watching Bart and Lisa on TV) They're gonna be in the same class as each other?!
Marge: Get back, honky cat.
[On "Japanese Friends" on TV]
Japanese Chandler: Do you like my new shirt? It says "Reggae Hair Style Rock n' Roll." Could I be more Japanese?
Japanese Phoebe: You are the Emperor of Last Year.
Japanese Chandler: Your comeback shames me.
Lisa: Bart, I think we're lost.
Bart: I used to be lost, until a friend turned me onto a book. It's called "Lisa is Stupid."
Lisa: You die now! [tackles Bart]
[Groundskeeper Willie is carving down Bart and Lisa's names on the Field Trip Memorial for lost kids on field trips.]
Willie: [shedding tears] Ach. Why is it always the kids with the long names? [gulps down from his flask, tosses it away, and finishes the word "Bart"]
Marge: Hello, Principal Skinner!
Principal Skinner: (speaks fast) Parent who waves their right to sue says what?
Principal Skinner: (holds up an audio recorder and shuts record off) Got it.
Homer: Oh, it's red wire to red wire. What idiot dreamed that up?
Mrs. McConnell: Lisa comes to us from Ms. Hoover… (makes a drinking sound) …while Bart was taught by Mrs. Krabappel. (fake coughs) Slut!
Tom Brokaw [during the news break]: Oh, Lord, I'm so fat! [vomits in a bucket]
Principal Skinner: If this episode has taught us anything, it's that nothing works better than the status quo. Bart, you're promoted back to the fourth grade.
Principal Skinner: And Lisa, you have a choice. You may continue to be challenged in third grade, or return to second grade and be merely a big fish in a little pond.