|Bart vs. Australia||
- Bart: I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.
- [he calls another number and reaches a car phone in South America]
- Adolf Hitler: Eine Minute, eine Minute! Ach! Das Wagen-phone ist ein...Nuisancephone! ["One minute, one minute! Alas! The carphone is a...nuisancephone!"]
- Man: Buenas noches, mein Führer! ["Good night, my Führer!"]
- Hitler: Ja, ja ["Yeah, yeah"].
- Homer: [looking at globe] There it is! Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. [Laughs] Look at this country: "U-R-Gay"!
- Homer: What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?
- Evan Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense! It's one of their proudest traditions!
- [He points it out using the Australian Flag, which inaccurately shows a boot kicking the buttocks]
- Lisa: Bart, water will only go the other way in the southern hemisphere.
- Bart: What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?
- Lisa: Haven't you ever looked at your globe? [Tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it] See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equ...
- [stares at Bart] this line.
- Bart: So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally [pointing at Rand McNally logo on globe], all their water goes backwards?
- Lisa: Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
- Bart: [impressed] Cool!
- Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.
- Bartender: Beer it is.
- Marge: No, I said coffee.
- Bartender: Beer?
- Marge: Coff-ee.
- Bartender: Be ... eer?
- Marge: [spells] C-O...
- Bartender: [spells] B-E...
- Aide: Please to repeat again and I will translating for the el Presidente.
- Bart: [slowly] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
- Aide: [in Spanish] He says the tide is turning!
- Presidente: [in Spanish] Ay, caramba! Then the rebels will soon take the capital. I must flee! [dives out window]
- Bart: Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.
- Prime Minister of Australia: That's it lad. This is for the Commonwealth of Australia.
- [the Prime Minister of Australia gets ready to boot Bart's butt]
- Bart: And this is for the United States of America!
- [Bart lowers his pants and moons the Australians with "Don't tread on me" written on his butt while he hums the The Star-Spangled Banner]
- Homer: Hey, do we get to land on an aircraft carrier?
- Helicopter pilot: No, sir, the closest vessel is the USS Walter Mondale. It's a laundry ship. They'll take you the rest of the way.
- Australian man: You call that a knife? This is a knife!
- Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.
- Australian man: Alright, alright, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.
- Homer: When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently in the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free! 'Cus as the old saying goes, "let your children run wild and free".
- Marge: I'm glad you're OK, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.
- Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
- (Bart passes a sign saying "Now Entering Australia")
- Bart: Hey, G. I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
- Marine: Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir!
- Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia... (hops over the line) Now I'm in America...Australia! America!
- Bart: I get it, Dad.
- Homer: Australia! America!
- Marge: Homer, that's enough!
- Homer: Australia! America! (gets punched) Ow!
- Marine: Here in America we don't tolerate that kind of crap, sir!
- Bart: Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
- Homer: That's no reason to block the TV.
- Milhouse: Hey, Bart! The bakery caught fire and all of downtown smells like cookies! Wanna go smell?
- Bart: Yes... Yes, I do.
- Homer: Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?
- Homer's Brain: Quiet, it might be you! I can't remember.
- Homer: Naw, I'm going to ask Marge.
- Homer's Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.
- (Homer starts to scribble a check, then he relaxes as he feels the release of endorphins)
- Homer: (sighs)
- Bruno Drundridge: Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of Parliament. [yells out window] Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you.
- [Gus tends his swine]
- Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister. [he and Bruno go down to a lake, where Andy the prime minister is relaxing while floating naked in an inner tube and holding a beer] Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!
- Andy: Eh, mates! What's the good word?
- Evan Conover: Oh, my. Hello, I'm Evan Conover with the US State Department. [hands Marge his card]
- Marge: [reading] "Undersecretary for International Protocol: Brat and Punk Division."
- Evan Conover: Unfortunately, Bart, your little escapade could not have come at a worse time. [sets UPA screen] Americo-Australianian relations are at an all-time low. [talks over a slide show] As I'm sure you remember, in the late 1980s, the US experienced a short-lived infatuation with Australian culture. For some bizarre reason, the Aussies thought this would be a permanent thing. Of course, it wasn't. [a slide shows "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
- Lisa: I know those words, but that sign makes no sense.
- Evan Conover: Anyway, the Down Under fad fizzled and the diplomatic climate turned absolutely frosty. [a slide shows Castro in -crosshairs: "Cuba Plan B"] Oops, let's pretend we didn't see this. [swallows slide]
- Homer: Are we going to be landing on an aircraft carrier?
- Pilot: No, the nearest Navy vessel is the USS Walter Mondale... It's a laundry ship.
- Evan Conover: Well, it's too late to merely pay back the money, but as a sign of good faith to our Australian friends, we'd like to imprison Bart for five years.
- Homer: (thinks briefly) That's tough but fair. Boy, go with the man.
- Marge: (picks up Bart) No, no, no! No! I'm not going to have my son go to jail over some silly tiff with Australia. You'll just have to find some other country to have relations with.
- Evan Conover: You're sure, now? The prison train is sailing. (Marge hugs Bart tighter) OK, I'm not hearing a lot of support for prison.
- (Bart is sitting on Marge's lap)
- Evan Conover: There is one other option. They'll drop the charges if Bart makes a public apology in Australia.
- Homer: All Bart has to do is apologize and we get a free trip to Australia?
- Evan Conover: Mm, hmm.
- Bart: (gets off Marge's lap) I can handle that. I'm an expert at phony apologies.
- Marge: (reproachful) Bart!
- Bart: (with phony sincerity) I'm sorry.
- Marge: That's better.
- Bart: Heh heh heh…
- Homer: Oh. We left at 1:30pm Monday. What time is it now?
- Lisa: It's 6:45am next Wednesday. You may also be interested to know that it's summer here, not winter.
- Homer: Oh! [throws his sled away]
- Homer: Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [makes noises and faces at him] [gets punched in the face] Ow!
- Marine: No, sir! US Marine Corps, sir!
- Marge: We'll meet you boys back here for dinner. Good luck, honey. [kisses Bart]
- Lisa: Bart, I'm sorry I'm going to miss your public humiliation, but the Wolumbaloo Dirt Monument is just too exciting to pass up!
- Lisa: Mom, you said I could have one souvenir, right? Well I want the didgeridoo. [plays it]
- Marge: Mmm, that seems very noisy and expensive for a souvenir. Mmm, why don't you get this nice cap? ["Pobody's Nerfect in Australia"] It's clever... just like you. Hmm? Hmm?
- South O' the Equator Gift Shoppe Owner: [sweeping a bunch of toads out] Get out, get out! Shoo, shoo. Get out of here, yuck! These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.
- Squeaky-Voiced Australian Teen: They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is.
- Marge: We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs.
- Squeaky-Voiced Australian Teen: What? That's an odd name. I'd have called them "chazzwazzers".
- Ward: We did it! We've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face.
- Evan Conover: We've argued them down to...a booting.
- Everyone: What?!
- Ward: The Prime Minister just wants to kick you once, through the gate, with a regular shoe.
- Evan Conover: I believe it's a wingtip.
- Marge: No deal! This is my son we're talking about. Sure, he's no perfect, but who is in this workaday world?
- Bart: Mom, wait! [he goes to look at the toilet swirling machine] It's time for me to bend over and receive my destiny.
- Lisa: [weepy] Thank you, Bart. I promise I won't make fun of you later for this.
- Homer: [sniffs] Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son.