|Bart the Lover||
- A depressed Edna Krabappel has ended her work day at Springfield Elementary and is doing errands. She first sees a car mechanic to see why her car is acting up. Mechanic tastes a substance from her gas tank.
- Mechanic: Just as I thought, sugar! Your ex-husband has struck again.
- Mrs. Krabappel buys goods at Kwik-E-Mart.
- Apu: Would you like anything else?
- Edna Krabappel: One Scratch & Win, Apu.
- Edna Krabappel scratches off lottery ticket at counter.
- Apu: So will you remain in teaching?
- Edna scratches off ticket to reveal a losing combination of a lemon, a prune, and a cherry.
- Edna: At least until tomorrow.
- At the auditorium
- Twirl King Salesman: A yo-yo. Pretty boring. Not much competition for a video game. Or is it?
Several performers appear on stage. One handles six yo-yos at once.
Presenting, Mr. Amazing!
Another performer comes out of a jar and shoot a yo-yo out of his mouth.
Another performer makes a yo-yo move upwards.
A female performer has her body adorned with yo-yos.
- Light show is on as performers do tricks while "Aquarius" by the Fifth Dimension is playing.
- Nelson: Those guys can put on a show.
- Jimbo: They must get all sorts of girls!
- Janey: That Sparkles can do neat tricks.
- Lisa: I know. She is beautiful.
- Miss Hoover: I have my doubts about the educational merits of this performance.
- Edna: It'll be one of their fondest memories when they are pumping gas for a living.
- Homer: (struggling to build a dog house of Santa's Little Helper) Stupid Lumber!
- The lumber breaks in the middle of Homer cutting it with a saw.
- Homer: Damn it! (Unintelligible cursing) Oh to Hell with this!
- Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
- Todd: Hell no.
- Flanders family gasps
- Maude: What did you say?
- Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
- Ned: Alright, that is it young man. No Bible stories for you tonight.
- Todd runs to his room crying.
- Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
- Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
- Jimmy: Hey, what gives?
- Jimmy's Dad: You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy. Well now your car has no battery.
- Jimmy: But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by 6:00. I better give her a call.
- Jimmy's Dad: Sorry Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.
- Jimmy: Dear God! What have I done?
- (Jimmy pulls out a gun and points it to his head and fires)
- Jimmy's Dad: Think again, Jimmy. You see, the firing pin in your gun was made out of... yep... zinc.
- Jimmy: Come back zinc, Come Back!!
- Bart is watching an old-time black & white movie to get inspiration for his love letters.
- Frenchman: A million poets working for a thousand years could not succeed at describing even three-eighths of your beauty.
- Bart: Whoa! Slow down Frenchy, this stuff is gold!
- "Woodrow": Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.
- Ned: I'm talking about your potty-mouth.
- Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
- Ned: That is it. Your swearing is having a negative influence on my son.
- Homer: Oh yeah? The nerve to think you can impose your ways on me! Well, I do not like... your mustache!
- Ned: Okay, fair is fair. Tell you what. If you get rid of the potty mouth then I will get rid of the soup-strainer. It is a deal!
- Homer: Stupid Flanders, telling me I should not swear!
- Marge: You know Homer, you have let a lot of colorful idioms fly loose, and I am worried it will be a bad influence on the kids.
- Homer: We're past that. I may curse a little, but that's the way God made me and I'm too old to stop now.
- Marge: No, you're not. When my father got out of the Navy he cussed a blue streak. It nearly cost him, his job as a baby photographer. So my mother put a swear jar in the kitchen. Every time he said a bad word, he put in a quarter. What do you think?
- Homer: Damn crappy nails! Superglue my butt!
- Mrs. Krabappel: (after the bell rings and the kids leave:) If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for ya?
- Ned: (about Todd) Is this all he watches?
- Maude: Well, he used to watch Davey and Goliath, but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to a better place. (flushes them down the toilet)
- Mrs. Krabappel: (reading) After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water. (Nelson raises his hand) Yes, Nelson.
- Nelson: Did they have any have yo-yo's?
- Mrs. Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's. (continues reading) When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians.
- Milhouse: (raises his hand) Did the Indians have yo-yo's?
- Mrs. Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's! (slams book closed) That's it! (slams book onto her desk) I am getting sick and tired of talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear?
- Bart: Yo!
- "Woodrow": Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why, I cannot say. Where, you cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna. And so let us part with a love that will echo through the ages. ---Woodrow
- Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.
- Homer: (sigh) Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.
- Marge: I am not!
- Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.
- Ned: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?
- Ned: No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!
- Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
- Ned: Where in the Bible?
- Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... Page 900.
- Ned: But Rev--
- Rev. Lovejoy: (hangs up; looks down at his melted dessert) Damn Flanders.
- Bart: Hey, Lis. A moment of your time.
- Lisa: (stops playing her sax) Yeah?
- Bart: Suppose I was writing my second letter to a girl, and I already used up my A-material. What should I say?
- Lisa: (teasingly) Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? (puts down her sax and bats her eyelashes coyly)
- Bart: Oh, please.
- Lisa: Is it Sherri?
- Bart: No.
- Lisa: Is it Terri?
- Bart: No!
- Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch?
- Bart: No!
- Lisa: Is it that exchange student, Mx!pa?
- Bart: No!! It's not for me. It's... homework.
- Lisa: Sure it is. Hey Bart, (teasing, makes goo-goo eyes) let's do some homework! (starts making kissy faces and puckers up)
- Bart: (fed up, he pushes Lisa aside)
- Bart: I can't help but feel partly responsible.
- At church, Homer inadvertently puts a twenty-dollar bill in the collection plate.
- Bart: [whispers] Homer, that was a twenty!
- Homer: DAMN!!!
- Homer drops a few coins into the swear jar. Next, he is at the bowling alley and is one pin away from a strike.
- Homer: Uh...OH!!! OH, YOU SON OF A...!!!
- Again, Homer drops even more coins into the swear jar. Next, Ned Flanders comes up to Homer while he's taking out the trash. Ned is cleanly shaven and in an especially great mood.
- Ned: Heh, heh, Homer! You know, I owe you one, buddy! No sooner than I shaved off the old cookie-duster, then a lady cast me in a commercial! I tell you, the way these checks are coming in, it's almost criminal!
- Homer: YOU DIRTY BAS...!!!
- Yet more coins dropped into the swear jar. Homer completes what appears to be a very shoddily-built doghouse.
- Homer: What do you think, Lisa?
- Lisa: How's the dog supposed to get in?
- Homer: Well, he just goes... (realizes the doghouse has no entrance) Oh...
- More money into the swear jar, as usual. Homer is napping on his hammock when he is awakened by a beehive dropping on his stomach. He screams, then drops more coins in the swear jar, which is 70% full at this point.
- Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer.
- Homer: Aw. Oh, fudge! That's... broken. (steps on a nail) Fiddle-dee-dee! THAT will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear, but I am going to (completely loses it) KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN!!! (starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse)
- Ms. Krabappel: Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. [cries]
- Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth!
- Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
- Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
- Bart: How about, "Crocodiles bit off my face."
- Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.
- Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.
- Homer: Three simple words: I am gay.
- Mrs. Krabappel: It's such a nice day today, let's have detention outside.
- Bart: It's a date. (he takes her hand, and Mrs. Krabappel walk outside into the sunshine)