|Bart the Lover||
- [In a black-and-white educational film, Jimmy is trying to start his car with no success]
- Jimmy: Hey, what gives?
- Jimmy's Dad: You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy. Well, now your car has no battery.
- Jimmy: But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by six. I'd better give her a call.
- [He tries to dial Betty's number, but nothing happens]
- Jimmy's Dad: [chuckles] Sorry, Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.
- Jimmy: [distraught] Dear God, what have I done?
- [He takes a gun out of the drawer, puts it against his head and pulls the trigger, but it doesn't fire]
- Jimmy's Dad: Think again, Jimmy. You see, the firing pin in your gun was made of, yep, zinc!
- Jimmy: Come back, zinc! Come back!
- [Dissolve to Jimmy in his bed, talking in his sleep and waving his arms]
- Jimmy: Come back...zinc...come back...zinc... [wakes up] Zinc? Zi..what? [sighs in relief] It was all a dream. Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries, handguns [a gun bang is heard], and many things made of zinc.
- [A depressed Edna Krabappel has ended her work day at Springfield Elementary and is doing her errands. She first sees a car mechanic to see why her car is acting up. The mechanic tastes a substance from her gas tank, and it turns out to be sugar]
- Mechanic: Just as I thought, sugar! Your ex-husband has struck again.
- [Mrs. Krabappel then buys goods at the Kwik-E-Mart]
- Apu: Would you like anything else?
- Edna Krabappel: One scratch and win, Apu.
- [Edna Krabappel scratches off lottery ticket at counter]
- Apu: So, will you remain in teaching?
- [Edna scratches off ticket to reveal a losing combination of a lemon, a prune, and a cherry]
- Edna Krabappel: At least until tomorrow.
- [The students of Springfield Elementary are gathered in the auditorium for the Yo-Yo Champions assembly. Ted Carpenter walks out on stage, twirling a yo-yo]
- Ted Carpenter: Kids, this is a yo-yo. Kinda dull, huh? Not much competition for a video game...or is it?
- [Several performers appear on stage]
- Ted Carpenter: Presenting the Twirl-King Champions! Mr. Amazing!
- [A man in a blue jumpsuit handsprings onto the stage and twirls out six yo-yos at once]
- Ted Carpenter: Sparkle!
- [A woman in a blue jumpsuit twirls out two yo-yos and then twirls out another two from her ears]
- Lisa: She's beautiful!
- Ted Carpenter: Zero Gravity!
- [Another man moonwalks out onstage and twirls a yo-yo towards the ceiling]
- Ted Carpenter: The Cobra!
- [A man pops out of a wicker basket, opens his mouth, and twirls a yo-yo from his tongue]
- Bart: Those guys must be millionaires!
- [A light show begins as the performers continue to do yo-yo tricks while "Aquarius" by the Fifth Dimension is playing]
- Nelson: Those guys can put on a show.
- Jimbo: They must get all sorts of girls!
- Janey: That Sparkle can do neat tricks.
- Lisa: I know. She is beautiful.
- Miss Hoover: I question the educational value of this assembly.
- Edna Krabappel: Hey, it'll be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumping gas for a living.
- Homer: (struggling to build a dog house for Santa's Little Helper) Stupid lumber!
- (The lumber breaks in the middle of Homer cutting it with a saw)
- Homer: Damn it! (Unintelligible cursing) Oh, to Hell with this!
- Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
- Todd: Hell no!
- [Ned, Maude and Rod gasp]
- Maude: What did you say?
- Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables!
- Ned: All right, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!
- [Todd runs up to his room crying]
- Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
- Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
- [Bart is watching "Two for Tunisia" to get inspiration for his love letters]
- Announcer: (on TV) We now return to "Two for Tunisia" on Colorization Theater.
- Charles Boyer-type Frenchman: Ah, my love, a million poets could try for a million years and still describe but three-eighths of your beauty.
- Bart: (writing on pad) Whoa, slow down, Frenchy! This stuff is gold!
- "Woodrow": Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.
- Ned: I'm talking about your potty-mouth.
- Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
- Ned: That is it. Your swearing is having a negative influence on my son.
- Homer: Oh yeah? The nerve to think you can impose your ways on me! Well, I do not like...your mustache!
- Ned: Okay, fair is fair. Tell you what. If you get rid of the potty-mouth, then I will get rid of the soup-strainer. It is a deal!
- Homer: Stupid Flanders, telling me I should not swear!
- Marge: You know, Homer, you have let a lot of colorful idioms fly loose, and I am worried it will be a bad influence on the kids.
- Homer: We're past that. I may curse a little, but that's the way God made me and I'm too old to stop now.
- Marge: No, you're not. When my father got out of the Navy, he cussed a blue streak. It nearly cost him his job as a baby photographer. So, my mother put a swear jar in the kitchen. Every time he said a bad word, he put in a quarter. What do you think?
- Homer: Damn crappy nails! Superglue my butt!
- Edna Krabappel: (after the bell rings and the kids leave) If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for ya.
- Ned: (about Todd) Is this all he watches?
- Maude: Well, he used to watch Davey and Goliath, but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to a better place. (flushes them down the toilet)
- Edna Krabappel: (reading) After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water. (Nelson raises his hand) Yes, Nelson.
- Nelson: Did they have any have yo-yo's?
- Edna Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's. (continues reading) When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians.
- Milhouse: (raises his hand) Did the Indians have yo-yo's?
- Edna Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's! (slams book closed) That's it! (slams book onto her desk) I am getting sick and tired of talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear?
- Bart: Yo!
- "Woodrow": Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why, I cannot say. Where, you cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you. Anytime I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name...Edna. And so, let us part with a love that will echo through the ages. ---Woodrow
- Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.
- Homer: (sighs) Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.
- Marge: I am not!
- Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.
- Ned: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?
- Ned: No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!
- Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and...direct them to the Bible.
- Ned: Where in the Bible?
- Rev. Lovejoy: Uh...Page 900.
- Ned: But Rev--!
- Rev. Lovejoy: (hangs up; looks down at his melted dessert) Damn Flanders.
- Bart: Hey, Lis. A moment of your time.
- Lisa: (stops playing her sax) Yeah?
- Bart: Suppose I was writing my second letter to a girl, and I already used up my A-material. What should I say?
- Lisa: (teasingly) Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? (puts down her sax and bats her eyelashes coyly)
- Bart: Oh, please.
- Lisa: Is it Sherri?
- Bart: No.
- Lisa: Is it Terri?
- Bart: No!
- Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch?
- Bart: No!
- Lisa: Is it that exchange student, Mx!pa?
- Bart: No! It's not for me. It's...homework.
- Lisa: Sure it is. Hey Bart, (teasing, makes goo-goo eyes) let's do some homework! (starts making smooching noises faces and puckers up as if to kiss him)
- Bart: (fed up, he pushes Lisa aside)
- Bart: I can't help but feel partly responsible.
- [At church, Homer inadvertently puts a twenty-dollar bill in the collection plate]
- Bart: [whispers] Homer, that was a twenty.
- Homer: DAM-!!
- [Homer drops a few coins into the swear jar. Next, he's at the bowling alley, where he nearly bowls a strike, but the last pin won't go down]
- Homer: [stutters twice] Oh, you son of a-!!
- [Homer drops more coins into the swear jar. Then, he's taking out the trash when a clean-shaven Ned Flanders comes up to him]
- Ned: [cheerful] Hey, hey, Homer! You know, I owe you one, buddy! No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie-duster than a lady cast me in a commercial! [goes to his mailbox] I tell you, the way these checks keep coming in, it's almost criminal!
- Homer: [ticked off] YOU DIRTY BAST-!!
- [Homer puts more coins into the swear jar. Then, Homer completes a very shoddily-built doghouse with no entrance]
- Homer: What do you think, Lisa?
- Lisa: How's the dog supposed to get in?
- Homer: Well, he just goes... [realizes] AWWW...
- [Homer puts more coins into the swear jar. Finally, Homer is napping in his hammock when a beehive falls onto his stomach. He wakes up and screams, then his bee-sting-covered hand drops even more coins into the nearly-full swear jar]
- [Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer]
- Homer: AH!...oh, fudge. That's...broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear...but I am going to [completely loses it] KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [starts kicking the doghouse]
- Edna Krabappel: Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. [cries]
- Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth!
- Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
- Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
- Bart: How about, "Crocodiles bit off my face"?
- Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.
- Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.
- Homer: Three simple words: I am gay.
- Edna Krabappel: It's such a nice day today, let's have detention outside.
- Bart: It's a date. [he offers his arm, Mrs. Krabappel takes it, and they walk outside into the sunshine]