|Bart the Lover||
- A black-and-white educational film. Jimmy is trying to start his car with no success.
- Jimmy: Hey, what gives?
- Jimmy's Dad: You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy. Well, now your car has no battery.
- Jimmy: But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by six. I'd better give her a call.
- He tries to dial Betty's number, but nothing happens.
- Jimmy's Dad: [chuckles] Sorry, Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones.
- Jimmy: [distraught] Dear God, what have I done?
- He takes a gun out of the drawer, puts it against his head and pulls the trigger, but it doesn't fire.
- Jimmy's Dad: Think again, Jimmy. You see, the firing pin in your gun was made of - yep - zinc!
- Jimmy: Come back, zinc! Come back!
- Dissolve to Jimmy in his bed, talking in his sleep and waving his arms.
- Jimmy: Come back... zinc... come back... zinc... [wakes up] Zinc? Zi.. what? [sighs in relief] It was all a dream. Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries, handguns [bang!] and many things made of zinc.
- A depressed Edna Krabappel has ended her work day at Springfield Elementary and is doing errands. She first sees a car mechanic to see why her car is acting up. Mechanic tastes a substance from her gas tank.
- Mechanic: Just as I thought, sugar! Your ex-husband has struck again.
- Mrs. Krabappel buys goods at Kwik-E-Mart.
- Apu: Would you like anything else?
- Edna Krabappel: One Scratch and Win, Apu.
- Edna Krabappel scratches off lottery ticket at counter.
- Apu: So will you remain in teaching?
- Edna scratches off ticket to reveal a losing combination of a lemon, a prune, and a cherry.
- Edna Krabappel: At least until tomorrow.
- At the auditorium
- Twirl King Salesman: A yo-yo. Pretty boring. Not much competition for a video game. Or is it?
Several performers appear on stage. One handles six yo-yos at once.
Presenting, Mr. Amazing!
Another performer comes out of a jar and shoot a yo-yo out of his mouth.
Another performer makes a yo-yo move upwards.
A female performer has her body adorned with yo-yos.
- Light show is on as performers do tricks while "Aquarius" by the Fifth Dimension is playing.
- Nelson: Those guys can put on a show.
- Jimbo: They must get all sorts of girls!
- Janey: That Sparkles can do neat tricks.
- Lisa: I know. She is beautiful.
- Miss Hoover: I have my doubts about the educational merits of this performance.
- Edna Krabappel: It'll be one of their fondest memories when they are pumping gas for a living.
- Homer: (struggling to build a dog house of Santa's Little Helper) Stupid Lumber!
- The lumber breaks in the middle of Homer cutting it with a saw.
- Homer: Damn it! (Unintelligible cursing) Oh to Hell with this!
- Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
- Todd: Hell, no.
- [Ned, Maude and Rod gasp]
- Maude: What did you say?
- Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
- Ned: All right, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight.
- [Todd runs to his room crying]
- Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
- Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.
- Bart is watching an old-time black and white movie to get inspiration for his love letters.
- Frenchman: A million poets working for a thousand years could not succeed at describing even three-eighths of your beauty.
- Bart: Whoa! Slow down Frenchy, this stuff is gold!
- "Woodrow": Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.
- Ned: I'm talking about your potty-mouth.
- Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
- Ned: That is it. Your swearing is having a negative influence on my son.
- Homer: Oh yeah? The nerve to think you can impose your ways on me! Well, I do not like... your mustache!
- Ned: Okay, fair is fair. Tell you what. If you get rid of the potty mouth then I will get rid of the soup-strainer. It is a deal!
- Homer: Stupid Flanders, telling me I should not swear!
- Marge: You know Homer, you have let a lot of colorful idioms fly loose, and I am worried it will be a bad influence on the kids.
- Homer: We're past that. I may curse a little, but that's the way God made me and I'm too old to stop now.
- Marge: No, you're not. When my father got out of the Navy he cussed a blue streak. It nearly cost him, his job as a baby photographer. So my mother put a swear jar in the kitchen. Every time he said a bad word, he put in a quarter. What do you think?
- Homer: Damn crappy nails! Superglue my butt!
- Edna Krabappel: (after the bell rings and the kids leave:) If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for ya?
- Ned: (about Todd) Is this all he watches?
- Maude: Well, he used to watch Davey and Goliath, but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to a better place. (flushes them down the toilet)
- Edna Krabappel: (reading) After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water. (Nelson raises his hand) Yes, Nelson.
- Nelson: Did they have any have yo-yo's?
- Edna Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's. (continues reading) When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians.
- Milhouse: (raises his hand) Did the Indians have yo-yo's?
- Edna Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's! (slams book closed) That's it! (slams book onto her desk) I am getting sick and tired of talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear?
- Bart: Yo!
- "Woodrow": Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why, I cannot say. Where, you cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna. And so let us part with a love that will echo through the ages. ---Woodrow
- Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.
- Homer: (sigh) Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.
- Marge: I am not!
- Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.
- Ned: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?
- Ned: No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!
- Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
- Ned: Where in the Bible?
- Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... Page 900.
- Ned: But Rev--
- Rev. Lovejoy: (hangs up; looks down at his melted dessert) Damn Flanders.
- Bart: Hey, Lis. A moment of your time.
- Lisa: (stops playing her sax) Yeah?
- Bart: Suppose I was writing my second letter to a girl, and I already used up my A-material. What should I say?
- Lisa: (teasingly) Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? (puts down her sax and bats her eyelashes coyly)
- Bart: Oh, please.
- Lisa: Is it Sherri?
- Bart: No.
- Lisa: Is it Terri?
- Bart: No!
- Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch?
- Bart: No!
- Lisa: Is it that exchange student, Mx!pa?
- Bart: No! It's not for me. It's... homework.
- Lisa: Sure it is. Hey Bart, (teasing, makes goo-goo eyes) let's do some homework! (starts making smooching noises faces and puckers up as if to kiss him)
- Bart: (fed up, he pushes Lisa aside)
- Bart: I can't help but feel partly responsible.
- At church, Homer inadvertently puts a twenty-dollar bill in the collection plate.
- Bart: [whispers] Homer, that was a twenty!
- Homer: DAM-!!
- Cut to Homer dropping some coins into the swear jar. Next, he's at the bowling alley; he nearly bowls a strike but the last pin won't go down.
- Homer: Uh... oh... OH! Oh, you son of a
- Homer drops more coins in the swear jar. Next, he's taking out the trash when a clean-shaven Ned Flanders comes up to him.
- Ned: [cheerful] Heh, heh, Homer! You know, I owe you one, buddy! No sooner had I shaved off the old cookie-duster than a lady cast me in a commercial! [goes to his mailbox] I tell you, the way these checks keep coming in, it's almost criminal!
- Homer: [ ticked off] YOU DIRTY BA..
- More coins go into the swear jar. Next, Homer completes a very shoddily-built doghouse, with no entrance.
- Homer: What do you think, Lisa?
- Lisa: How's the dog supposed to get in?
- Homer: Well, he just goes... [realizes] AWWW...
- More coins into the swear jar. Finally, Homer is napping in his hammock when a beehive falls onto his stomach. He wakes up and screams, then we see his bee-sting-covered hand drop even more coins into the nearly-full swear jar.
- Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer.
- Homer: AH! ...oh, fudge. That's... broken. [steps on a nail] Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... but I am going to [completely loses it] KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [starts kicking the doghouse]
- Edna Krabappel: Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. [cries]
- Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth!
- Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!
- Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!
- Bart: How about, "Crocodiles bit off my face."
- Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.
- Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.
- Homer: Three simple words: I am gay.
- Edna Krabappel: It's such a nice day today, let's have detention outside.
- Bart: It's a date. [he offers his arm, Mrs. Krabappel takes it, and they walk outside into the sunshine]