Homer: Oh come on, Marge, I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa.
Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.
Grampa: [writing] I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs.
Bart: [to Herman] Did you lose your arm in the war?
Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way: Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
Bart: Yes sir, I will.
Herman: The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it.
Herman: First you'll need a declaration of war. I've got one here, just have to change the name from "Otto von Bismarck" to "Bart Simpson".
Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?
Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard!
[Bart and other neighborhood children march towards Nelson, singing.]
Grampa: Bart, you can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for some reason, you can't slap them. Now apologize to that boy immediately.
Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?
Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
Herman: Well, I'd rather they say "Death from Above," but I guess we're stuck.
Homer: (stepping outside of the house) All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself--(gets hit with a water balloon)
Grandpa: (from up in the treehouse with Herman; laughs) Got him!
Homer: You, up in the tree. The tall, gray-haired kid. Get your butt down here right now! (gets hit with another water balloon and runs back inside)
Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.
Franklin: Don't hurt us! We surrender!: We were only following orders!
(Bart daydreams what it would be like if Nelson kills him, Milhouse comes forward)
Milhouse: Thanks Bart! We got a day off school for this!
Homer: Yeah, and I got the day off from work!
Homer: (changes to a more suitable matter) But what's a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again! (cries onto Bart's body)
Marge: That's better Homie, be brave! Bye-bye, Bart. (tears up) You were always my special little guy.
Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there are lots of books in your library with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
[A random boy kisses Lisa. She pushes him away and slaps him in the face]