|Bart the General||
- Yellow Weasel: Nelson, y-you're bleeding.
- Nelson: Nah, happens all the time, somebody else's blood splatters on me. [realizes his nose is bleeding] Hey, wait a minute. You're right! [to Bart] You made me bleed my own blood.
- Bart: Psst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
- Grampa: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy is completely out of his mind! We can't fail!
- [The school bell rings]
- Principal Skinner: Uh oh, there's your bell. Come along, now. No dawdling, now.
- Nelson: [to Bart] I'll get you after school, man.
- Bart: But...
- Principal Skinner: No, no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up, it's time for class.
- Bart: But...
- Principal Skinner: Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot!
- Bart: Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up; you may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes and...
- Nelson: I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15.
- Yellow Weasel: And you better be prompt!
- Black Weasel: He has four other beatings scheduled.
- Homer: (to Bart) So you had a little scuffle, eh? Heh heh. Hope you won.
- [Bart enters the bathroom]
- Bart: [looks into mirror] I'm going to miss you, big guy. [Goes in to bathtub and groans]
- Homer: [to Bart] Bart, your mother has the fool idea that you're [slows down and realizes that Bart is in tears] upset about something.
- Bart: [while in tears] Dad, I need help. Please.
- Homer: Now, come on, Bart. We don't want your mother to see you crying.
- Bart: Oh, man...
- Homer: Let me help you dry those tears.
- [Homer uses the hairdryer to dry Bart's tears]
- Homer: So, what's the problem, son?
- Bart: I had a run-in with a [hides behind bathtub edge]... bully.
- Marge: [enters the bathroom] A bully?
- Homer: Come on, Marge, I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa.
- Marge: Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
- Bart: I guess I could do that.
- Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!
- Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
- Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.
- Grampa: [writing] I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs.
- Bart: [to Herman] Did you lose your arm in the war?
- Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way: Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
- Bart: Yes sir, I will.
- Herman: The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it.
- Herman: First, you'll need a declaration of war. I've got one here, just have to change the name from "Otto von Bismarck" to "Bart Simpson".
- Herman: Strategy. Hmm, how many men do you have?
- Bart: None.
- Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard!
- [Bart and other neighborhood children march towards Nelson, singing]
- Bart: I got a B in arithmetic!
- Children: I got a B in arithmetic!
- Bart: Would-a got an A, but I was sick!
- Children: Would-a got an A, but I was sick!
- Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?
- Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
- Herman: Well, I'd rather they say "Death from Above", but I guess we're stuck.
- Homer: (stepping outside of the house) All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself--! (gets hit with a water balloon)
- Grampa: (from up in the treehouse with Herman; laughs) Got him!
- Homer: You, up in the tree! The tall gray-haired kid! Get your butt down here right now! (gets hit with another water balloon and runs back inside)
- Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.
- Yellow Weasel: Don't hurt us!
- Black Weasel: We surrender!
- Yellow Weasel: We were only following orders!
- (Bart daydreams what it would be like if Nelson bullies him. It shows Bart dead inside a coffin.)
- Otto: Goodbye, little dude. He looks so lifelike, man.
- Principal Skinner: Yes, the school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight. Goodbye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time.
- Milhouse: Thanks, Bart! We got a day off school for this!
- Homer: Yeah, and I got the day off from work!
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: (changes to a more suitable matter) But what's a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again! Oh, Bart! Ohhh, Baaaartt!! (cries onto Bart's body)
- Marge: That's better, Homer. Be brave. Bye-bye, Bart. (tears up) You were always my special little guy.
- Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there are lots of books in your library with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
- [The Sailor Kid kisses Lisa. She pushes him away and slaps him in the face]
- Lisa: Eew, knock it off!
- Nelson: Put him up!