|Bart the General||
- Franklin: Nelson, y-you're bleeding.
- Nelson: Naw, happens all the time, somebody else's blood splatters on me. [realizes his nose is bleeding] Hey, wait a minute... you're right! [to Bart] You made me bleed my own blood.
- Bart: Pssst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
- Grampa: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy's completely out of his mind! We can't fail!!
- [The school bell rings]
- Principal Skinner: Uh oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now. no singing, now.
- Nelson: [to Bart] I'll get you after school, man.
- Bart: But...
- Principal Skinner: Oh, no, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up, it's time for recess.
- Bart: But...
- Principal Skinner: Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot!
- Bart: Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up; you may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes and...
- Nelson: I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:00.
- Slippery: And you better be prompt!
- Nelson: He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon.
- Homer: (to Bart) So, you had a little scuffle eh. Heh heh. Hope you won.
- [Bart enters the bathroom.]
- Bart: [looks into mirror] I'm gonna miss you big guy. [Goes in to bathtub and groans]
- Homer: [to Bart] Bart, your mother has the cool idea that you're [slows down and realizes that Bart is in tears] upset about something.
- Bart: [while in tears] Dad...I need help...please.
- Homer: Now come on, Bart, we don't want your mother to see you crying. Here, let me help you dry those tears.
- [Homer uses the hairdryer to dry Bart's tears]
- Homer: So, what's the matter, son?
- Bart: I had a run in with a [hides behind bathtub edge]... bully.
- Marge: [enters the bathroom] A bully!
- Homer: Oh come on, Marge, I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa.
- Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
- Bart: I guess I could do that.
- Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!
- Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
- Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.
- Grampa: [writing] I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs.
- Bart: [to Herman] Did you lose your arm in the war?
- Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way: Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
- Bart: Yes sir, I will.
- Herman: The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it.
- Herman: First you'll need a declaration of war. I've got one here, just have to change the name from "Otto von Bismarck" to "Bart Simpson".
- Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?
- Bart: None.
- Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard!
- [Bart and other neighborhood children march towards Nelson, singing.]
- Bart: I got a B in arithmetic!
- Children: I got a B in arithmetic!
- Bart: Would-a got an A, but I was sick!
- Children: Would-a got an A, but I was sick!
- [Bart slaps a kid. Grampa comes and slaps Bart]
- Grampa: Bart, you can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for some reason, you can't slap them. Now apologize to that boy immediately.
- Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?
- Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
- Herman: Well, I'd rather they say "Death from Above," but I guess we're stuck.
- Homer: (stepping outside of the house) All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself--(gets hit with a water balloon)
- Grandpa: (from up in the treehouse with Herman; laughs) Got him!
- Homer: You, up in the tree. The tall, gray-haired kid. Get your butt down here right now! (gets hit with another water balloon and runs back inside)
- Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.
- Franklin: Don't hurt us! We surrender!: We were only following orders!
- (Bart daydreams what it would be like if Nelson kills him, Milhouse comes forward)
- Milhouse: Thanks Bart! We got a day off school for this!
- Homer: Yeah, and I got the day off from work!
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: (changes to a more suitable matter) But what's a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again! (cries onto Bart's body)
- Marge: That's better Homie, be brave! Bye-bye, Bart. (tears up) You were always my special little guy.
- Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there are lots of books in your library with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
- [A random boy kisses Lisa. She pushes him away and slaps him in the face]
- Lisa: Eew, knock it off!
- Nelson: Put him up!