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Bart the Fink |
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- [The Simpsons each receive $100 in a bequest from Great-Aunt Hortense, who has recently passed away. Marge takes the kids to the bank to deposit their money.]
- Marge: You'll feel better knowing your money's in the hands of professionals.
- Bank Clerk: [wearing an ape mask] Uk, uk. Are you folks ready to go ape?
- Lisa: [protesting] Mom...
- Marge: A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.
- Bank Clerk: And you'll find that saving for your future is far more thrilling than any roller coaster.
- Bart: Really? Wow! I should have started a long time ago.
- Bank Clerk: Mm-hmm. Now fill out these forms. I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than a weekend with Batman.
- [In the Cayman Islands, a representative of the Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation has just received a phone call, inquiring about Krusty the Clown's account.]
- Representative: I'm sorry. I cannot divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account.
- [The representative hangs up the phone, then does a double take as he realizes what he just did.]
- Representative: Oh, crap, I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap, I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! [sighs resignedly] Oh, it's too hot today.
- [Thanks to Bart's alerting the bank about Krusty's Cayman Islands account, Krusty has been arrested. The bank clerk fills Bart in on what's happened.]
- Bank Clerk: It turns out Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history, and they nailed him, all thanks to you. Some might say you're a hero, kid. Not me, though. I love Krusty.
- [Bart groans.]
- [Krusty Burger has been converted to I.R.S. Burger.]
- Homer: Um, I'll have four Tax Burgers, one I.R.S.-wich - withhold the lettuce - three dependent-size sodas, and a FICA-ccino.
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Fill out schedule B. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
- Homer: Well, let's see here. Add schedule "B" to line 53, take away the... Hey, Marge, what were your gambling losses last year?
- Marge: Seven hundred dollars.
- Announcer: And now, lot number 66, a handmade leather suitcase carried by the Krustofski family upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902. A priceless heirloom and historic piece of Krustyana. What am I bid? Forty cents. I got forty cents. Sold, for forty cents.
- Krusty the Clown: Forty cents?! My grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with some veteran.
- Krusty the Clown: I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. One night he looked out the window and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.
- [Superintendent Chalmers and Mrs. Skinner walk up to a house.]
- Chalmers: I must say I've had a lovely evening, Agnes. I don't suppose I could come in for a cup of...
- (Principal Skinner opens the door and turns on the light.)
- Mrs. Skinner: (reproachful) Seymour!
- Skinner: Mother? (gasps) Superintendent Chalmers!
- Chalmers: (grouchily) Skinner!
- Skinner: (mumbling to himself, nervously) What I wouldn't give for something to interrupt this awkward moment.
- (Krusty flies by bawling.)
- Skinner: (smiling) That'll do nicely.
- Bart: I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty. But you know, my mom says God never closes a door without opening a window.
- Krusty the Clown: No offense, kid, but your mom's a dingbat. There's no silver lining here. I was a big cheese! A huge cheese! But now, look at me. I gotta ride the bus like a schnook! I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot! I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure!
- Bart: It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong! As long as you're on TV, people will respect you.
- Krusty the Clown: Respect? Pah! What good is respect without the moola to back it up? Everywhere I go, I see teachers in Ferraris, research scientists drinking champagne! I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, AND THEY TOOK AWAY MY PASS! That's no life for a famous clown.
- Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown was arrested today for massive tax fraud. Krusty's years of tax "avoision" would never have-
- Off-Screen Voice: What the heck is avoision?
- Kent Brockman: Avoision. It's a crime. Look it up. Would never have-
- Off-Screen Voice: Evasion. Evasion.
- Kent Brockman: I don't say evasion, I say avoision!
- [On the evening news, Kent Brockman reports on Krusty's arrest and Bart's role in it. Bart feels remorseful.]
- Bart: Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him?
- Lisa: It is a tragedy for all us kids, but Bart, you can't beat yourself up.
- Bart: Yeah. There'll be plenty of people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.
- Krusty the Clown: All right, I admit it! I miss the phonies! That's all I miss! That and Shirley Jones' and Marty Ingels' New Year's Eve party.
- Bart: What about that great feeling you get from knowing you're better than regular people? What about being an illiterate TV clown who's still more respected than all the scientists, doctors, and educators in the country put together?
- Krusty the Clown: Yeah! I'm not gonna let those guys hog all the respect while I'm out here on some stinkin' tub. That's just what those eggheads want. Well, forget it, poindexter, 'cause Krusty's back in town!