|Bart on the Road||
- Homer: What's wrong, honey?
- Lisa: There's something troubling me, dad, but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.
- Homer: Ah, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now. I mean, I haven't told a soul about your boyfriend.
- Lisa: Langdon Alger? Oh, I don't like him anymore. Okay, but you have to promise you won't get angry or tell anyone, especially Bart.
- Homer: I promise.
- Lisa: (speaking quickly) Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
- Homer: (face reddens, then returns to normal; calmly) Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment? [puts on the radiation suit hood, which muffles his voice; he yells his head off as the faceplate fogs up] All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
- Lisa: No, no! Then he'll know I told.
- Nelson: What is this place?
- Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas… if it were run by Ned Flanders.
- Bart: Gentlemen, for our road trip I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents.
- (Milhouse at home)
- Milhouse: I have been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
- (Martin at home)
- Martin: I've been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
- (Nelson at home)
- Nelson: (leaving his house) I'm going' away for a week. See ya!
- Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait, I wish I was going. Is that right, Bart?
- Bart: I dunno.
- Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
- Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
- Lisa: That's not Latin. Mom, Bart's faking it.
- Marge: Lisa, you've had your glory. Now it's Bart's turn.
- Homer: Your turn.
- Lisa: Hmm, truth.
- Homer: Uh, do you have a crush on anyone?
- Lisa: Dad!
- Homer: Oh, I won't tell anyone.
- Lisa: Dad, you tell everyone everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.
- (children screaming and annoying their angry dad when he drives)
- Children's Angry Dad: If you kids don't keep your hands to yourself, I'm going to turn this car around and there will be no Cape Canaveral for anyone!
- (Nelson slaps the dad's head from Bart's car without the angry dad noticing it)
- Children's Dad: That's it, back to Winnipeg!
- (the angry dad turns the car around)
- (Nelson grabs Milhouse's glasses)
- Milhouse: Hey! I need those to see.
- Pawnbroker: Ah, these lenses are perfect! Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles. (he begins counting money) Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred…
- Milhouse: Hey! Come back! hey!
- (crashes into the pyramid of Coke bottles)
- Pawnbroker: …five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.
- Bart: [reading from a handout] Go To Work With Your Parents Day?
- Principal Skinner: [over the P.A.] Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.
- Lisa: I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.
- Bart: Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lis. I can't help it if my mom's workplace contains our TV.
- Lisa: Okay, time for truth or dare. You go first.
- Homer: Ehh, truth. Ask me anything.
- Lisa: Who do you love most: me, Bart, or Maggie?
- Homer: D'oh! All right, dare.
- Bart: Mom, you're blocking the TV. If you need something to do, you can fill out my form -- here. [hands Marge the form]
- Marge: [reading] Parent's occupation ... please note, homemaker is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid for it ... ohhh.
- Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all.
- Selma: We call those weekdays. [both of them laugh]
- Patty: Good one.
- Nelson: [after seeing the movie, "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
- Milhouse: [yells] Spring breeeak! Yeah [pause, then quiet] Well, when are we going to get rowdy?
- Bart: Maybe when we find something decent to do with this ID.
- Nelson: We could go rent a carpet shampooer.
- Martin: [to his flipping dog] Oh boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. [Nelson grabs Martin and tosses Flipsy out the window; Flipsy gets run over by a car]
- Nelson: Ha-ha!
- Milhouse: Bart! Nelson hit me!
- Bart: He sure did.
- Homer: Hi, Lisa, how's your spring break going?
- Lisa: I'm learning about owls.
- Homer: Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me.
- Lisa: Sure I would. I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.
- Martin: [wakes up and looks out the window] Oh! We've arrived in the vast cornfields of Canada. How much further to the grammar rodeo?
- Nelson: Grammar rodeo? We're going to a grammar rodeo?
- Bart: We're not going to a grammar rodeo. That was just an alibi, Milton.
- Milhouse: [whispers] Martin.
- Bart: Martin.
- Homer: Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these light bulbs.
- Lisa: Why are there so many burnt-out ones?
- Homer: Because they won't let me hire an assistant.
- Marge: Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with dad. You've been interested in nuclear power for years.
- Lisa: I signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant.
- Marge: Well, there you go.
- Nelson: [sees a sign about an Andy Williams concert] Andy Williams!
- Bart: Aw, we don't need to stop here.
- Nelson: Yes, we do. [punches Bart in the back of the head]
- Homer: (on the phone) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura.
- Moe: You're a Snotball?
- Homer: (angry) What? How dare you? If I ever find out who that is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran! (hangs up)
- Bart: We got no car!
- Martin: We got no money!
- Milhouse: And no one knows we're here!
- Bart, Martin, and Milhouse: We're stranded here!
- Nelson: But on the plus side, I knocked over the SunSphere. [camera cuts back to wider angle] Ha-ha.
- Lisa: (on the phone with Bart) You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. (hold the phone away from her ear as Bart yells at her) Well, how badly do you wanna get home? Alright, alright, what about a courier, they travel for free too... (Bart is talking) No, that's a terrier, they're dogs.
- Marge: (answers phone) Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner… No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night (hangs up) ….(the phone rings again and Marge answers) ….Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville. I really don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that! (hangs up) … (the phone rings again and Marge answers) Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam. (hangs up) … (While this is going on Homer, has slowly dived under the covers in the bed) …(he snorts) Homer, are you laughing at me?