- Homer: My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.
- Marge: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
- Homer: Fun, too.
- Homer: Hey, Flanders! You're the worst coach this team has ever had!
- Marge: He's the only coach this team has ever had and the season hasn't even started yet!
- Homer: Yeah, well… he's wearing that hat like an idiot.
- Flanders: A little higher, Wendell. (another throw) A lot higher, Martin. (another throw) Ralph, that's a basketball..(next throw hits Flanders hard) OK! Nelson's our quarterback.
- Nelson: Thanks, four-eyes.
- Todd: We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy?
- Flanders: Ho ho ho, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
- Rod and Todd: Yay!
- Kent Brockman: This reporter's opinion is for our lard-laden lads to shape up. Get out and try fun activities like military service, frenetic dancing, or good old fashioned pee-wee football.
- Homer: There you go, Bart! Pee-wee football will melt away those unsightly pounds and inches.
- Bart: Yeah, but I could get seriously hurt!
- Homer: Then it's settled.
- Kent Brockman: Huh?
- Homer: Is "huh" your final answer?
- Kent Brockman: What? No! That question doesn't make any sense, Homer.
- Homer: (makes buzzer sound) Wrong answer, Kent Brockman.
- Marge: Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid" I'm not talking about some sort of...charity rock concert. (laughs at her own joke) I'm talking about treating serious injuries! (The crowd laughs loudly)
- Krusty: Serious injuries! (writes it down) Ooh, that's gold!
- Dr. Hibbert: (to Homer) Your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.
- Homer: Now, wait a second! You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!
- Dr. Hibbert: You're a little confused!
- Homer: Oh, confused, would we?
- Homer: (taunting) Flaaanders… Flaaaaaanders…
- Flanders: What?
- Homer: Flaaanders…
- Flanders: What?! What is it?!!
- Homer: Game's out there! Ha ha ha, made you look!
- Lisa: (to Flanders) What position have you got for me? (The kids gasps) That's right. A girl who wants to play football. How about that?
- Flanders: Well, that's super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the team.
- Lisa: You do?
- Flanders: Uh huh, but we'd love to have you on board!
- Lisa: Well...football's not really my thing. After all...what kind of civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?!
- Flanders: Well, actually, Lisa, these balls are synthetic!
- Janey: And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International!
- Lisa: (crying) I've gotta go!
- Homer: Good practice, kids. Now its time for the easiest part of any coach's job. The cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hussle. [Steven smiles] That's why it was so hard to cut you. [Steven frowns] Congratulations, the rest of you made the team! [random sighs of relief] Except you, you and you.
- [While Homer, Bart, and Lisa are driving home]
- Bart: But I can't play quarterback! I don't even know how!
- Homer: Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
- Bart: Since when?
- Homer: Since your mother yelled at me. Now, how about that hug? (lets go of the wheel and hugs Bart)
- Bart: Dad! The car!
- Lisa: (taking the wheel, looking unamused) I got it.
- Bart: Give me a "B"?
- Nelson: I won't give you a "B," but I'll tear you a new "A!"
- Terri: (to Bart) You ruined our undefeated season! You ruined everything, ruiner! My sister likes you.
- Nelson: (to Bart) Listen here, Daddy's Boy. You cost us one more game and you're dead. (pushes Bart into the mud)
- Bart: So if I play, the guys are gonna kill me. If I don't, I'll be letting Homer down. What am I gonna do?
- Lisa: Well, I know you don't wanna disappoint Dad, but how do you feel about lying to him?
- Bart: Good.
- Bart: (walks up wearing a cast and lots of bandages) Dad, I've got some bad news.
- Homer: Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she?
- Bart: (to Homer) You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be your stupid quarterback! I quit!
- Homer: What? Well, I've got news for you, mister! You can't quit! You're cut! You too, Milhouse.
- Milhouse: All right! [removes his cup and throws it on the ground]
- Bart: (while the family is eating dinner) May I be excused, Mom?
- Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner, too.
- Marge: Homer, please.
- Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter. It must have been you. You quit every job you ever had: cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler...
- Bart: It's gonna take a miracle for me to become a good quarterback!
- Joe Namath: Excuse me, son.
- Bart: Wow! Joe Namath! Joe Namath: That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.
- Bart: I cannot believe you are here! Do you think maybe you could give me some pointers?
- Joe Namath: Sure! There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.
- Mrs. Namath: Joe, honey, I fixed it! It was just vapor lock!
- Joe Namath: OK, look, I've gotta run. Remember what I told you!
- Homer: I'm feeling kinda low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
- Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
- Homer: Oh. Then just give me a six pack and a couple of packets of Skittles.
- Homer: (to Bart) Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you, I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me, I promise I'll never encourage you again. [Bart looks unconvinced] I've got lots of quarters.
- Bart: (smiles) This thing only takes dollars.
- Homer: (to Bart) You know, tomorrow's the championship game and we could sure use some good defensive tackle.
- Bart: Well, I thought Uter took my place.
- Homer: Consider him cut.
- Joe Namath: You know, we had a lot of fun tonight. But, there's nothing funny about... vapour lock. Its the third most common cause of stalling. So please, take care of your car and get it checked. I'm Joe Namath. Good night!
- Homer: (during the end credits) Scully, you're cut. Eh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria, Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer, O'Brien, Doyle, Selman. I don't what you're-- Elliot, I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge, Kuwahara. Now, there's so many cuts here, look, I'll just post them up and you see where your name is. Oh, look how many cuts there are there. Whoa boy! You're cut. All of you! He's cut. I cut you! [during the Gracie Films logo, "shhhhh"] You're cut too, shushy!