Reverend Lovejoy has assembled all the children to extract a confession.
Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...
Children are visibly terrified except for Bart.
Ralph: [afraid] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
Bart: [bored] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
Milhouse: [serious] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
A raven outside looks at Milhouse and squawks menacingly.
Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart right there!
Bart: [angry] Milhouse!
Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [goes back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.
Reverend Lovejoy: I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes that you have befouled with your popular music!
He hands Bart and Milhouse cleaning brushes, then goes to his office.
Bart: You shank! How could you tell on me?
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.
Bart: Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they make up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson. [See the references for explanation.]
Milhouse: But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
In his office, Reverend Lovejoy places the tithe money in a money segregator.
Reverend Lovejoy I don't hear scrubbing!
Bart: [sarcastically] Well, if your soul's real, where is it?
Milhouse: [points at his chest] It's kind of in here. And when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. [points at his nose] And when you die, it squirms out and flies away.
Bart: [unimpressed] Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?
Milhouse: Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.
Bart: [sighs] Oh, how can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen: I don't have a soul, you don't have a soul, there's no such thing as a soul!
Milhouse: [smug] Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?
Bart: [pause] How much you got?
Milhouse: Five bucks.
Bart runs into the automatic door at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Bart: [muttering] Stupid automatic door.
Rod and Todd Flanders walk up; the door opens for them.
Rod and Todd: [together] Thank you, door!
Bart runs in behind them. He sees Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney by the ice cream freezer; Jimbo breathes on the freezer's glass door and writes "BITE ME" on the condensation with his finger.
Dolph: Hah! Some ice cream guy's gonna see that, and it'll blow his mind.
Bart: Let me try.
He tries to breathe on the door, but no condensation forms.
Jimbo: Way to breathe, No-Breath!
Bart tries to leave the Kwik-e-Mart, only to run into the automatic door again.
Bart: This is getting weird.
Apu: [over PA system] Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.
At Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, Lisa says grace.
Lisa: Lord, have mercy on my soul, and Mom's soul... and Dad's soul... and Maggie's soul... and let every soul in Christendom...
Frustrated, Bart throws a meatball at Lisa.
Bart: I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out]
Homer: Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe balls!
Homer's brain: Silence, you fool. It can be ours!
Homer shovels Bart's spaghetti into his mouth.
Homer: [mouth full] Run boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!
Bart: [praying] Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid too much attention at church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm... afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it! I just want it back. Please? [starts crying] Oh, I hope you can hear this. [his "soul paper" floats down from above; he happily embraces it and sees Lisa] Lisa! You bought this?
Lisa: With the change in my piggy bank.
Bart: There's no change in your piggy bank.
Lisa: Not any of the ones you know of.
Bart: Oh Lis, thank you. [kisses her]
Lisa: Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul - that you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night. [Bart eats the "soul paper" as she says this]