|Bart Sells His Soul||
- Reverend Lovejoy has assembled all the children to extract a confession.
- Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...
- Children are visibly terrified except for Bart.
- Ralph: [afraid] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
- Bart: [bored] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
- Milhouse: [serious] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
- A raven outside looks at Milhouse and squawks menacingly.
- Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart right there!
- Bart: [angry] Milhouse!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [goes back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.
- Reverend Lovejoy: I want you to clean every one of these organ pipes that you have befouled with your popular music!
- He hands Bart and Milhouse cleaning brushes, then goes to his office.
- Bart: You shank! How could you tell on me?
- Milhouse: Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.
- Bart: Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they make up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson. [See the references for explanation.]
- Milhouse: But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
- In his office, Reverend Lovejoy places the tithe money in a money segregator.
- Reverend Lovejoy I don't hear scrubbing!
- Bart: [sarcastically] Well, if your soul's real, where is it?
- Milhouse: [points at his chest] It's kind of in here. And when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. [points at his nose] And when you die, it squirms out and flies away.
- Bart: [unimpressed] Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?
- Milhouse: Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.
- Bart: [sighs] Oh, how can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen: I don't have a soul, you don't have a soul, there's no such thing as a soul!
- Milhouse: [smug] Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?
- Bart: [pause] How much you got?
- Milhouse: Five bucks.
- Bart: Deal.
- Bart runs into the automatic door at the Kwik-E-Mart.
- Bart: [muttering] Stupid automatic door.
- Rod and Todd Flanders walk up; the door opens for them.
- Rod and Todd: [together] Thank you, door!
- Bart runs in behind them. He sees Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney by the ice cream freezer; Jimbo breathes on the freezer's glass door and writes "BITE ME" on the condensation with his finger.
- Dolph: Hah! Some ice cream guy's gonna see that, and it'll blow his mind.
- Bart: Let me try.
- He tries to breathe on the door, but no condensation forms.
- Jimbo: Way to breathe, No-Breath!
- Bart tries to leave the Kwik-e-Mart, only to run into the automatic door again.
- Bart: This is getting weird.
- Apu: [over PA system] Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.
- At Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag, Lisa says grace.
- Lisa: Lord, have mercy on my soul, and Mom's soul... and Dad's soul... and Maggie's soul... and let every soul in Christendom...
- Frustrated, Bart throws a meatball at Lisa.
- Marge: Bart!
- Bart: I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out]
- Homer: Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe balls!
- Homer's brain: Silence, you fool. It can be ours!
- Homer shovels Bart's spaghetti into his mouth.
- Homer: [mouth full] Run boy! Run! Run for your life, boy!
- Bart: [praying] Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid too much attention at church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm... afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it! I just want it back. Please? [starts crying] Oh, I hope you can hear this. [his "soul paper" floats down from above; he happily embraces it and sees Lisa] Lisa! You bought this?
- Lisa: With the change in my piggy bank.
- Bart: There's no change in your piggy bank.
- Lisa: Not any of the ones you know of.
- Bart: Oh Lis, thank you. [kisses her]
- Lisa: Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul - that you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night. [Bart eats the "soul paper" as she says this]
- Bart: Uh-huh. [swallows happily]