Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is, exactly, all I know is He is a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together and you owe Him big.
[Bart has had to hide himself in the basement in order to shield himself from the temptation of the fun people are having outdoors with the snow day.]
Bart: [talking to himself] Concentrate, man! Do you want to be held back? OK, Chapter 4. The Founders decided they had enough of British oppression and decided to secede from England...
July 4th, 1776. Bart imagines himself a member of the First Continental Congress witnessing the declaration.
Thomas Jefferson: We hold these truths to be self-evident.
Bart: [talking to himself] We hold these truths to be self-evident.
Thomas Jefferson: That all men are created equal.
Bart: [talking to himself] That all men are created equal.
Thomas Jefferson: And are entitled to...
John Mason: Snow!
John Adams: Look everyone! It is snowing!
Thomas Jefferson: Snow in July? It is a miracle!
Robert Morris: Let us go out and play!
First Continental Congress: [in unison] Yeah!
Entire Continental Congress runs outdoors except for Bart, who looks out the window.
John Adams: Look everybody, John wrote his name in the snow!
[Bart in class. Students are finishing their history tests and submit them to the teacher.]
Martin: Later, Mrs. K.
Mrs. Krabappel: Martin? Okay, Bart, time is up. Hand over your test.
Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, could you please grade this right now?
Mrs. Krabappel: Well alright, let me get out "Old Red".
Mrs. Krabappel produces a red pen and begins marking up the test.
Mrs. Krabappel: That's 59, Bart, another F.
Bart: Oh, no... I can't believe it.
Mrs. Krabappel: I know I know, another year together, oh, it's gonna be he.
[Bart starts crying]
Mrs. Krabappel: What's the matter, I figure you'd be used to failing by now.
Bart: [still crying] No... you don't understand. I tried this time, I really tried.
Mrs. Krabappel: There, there.
Bart: This is as good as I could do but I still failed!
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, a 59 is a high F...
Bart: Oh, who am I kidding? I really am a failure. [sobs] Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754!
Mrs. Krabappel: What?
Bart: Fort Necessity. George Washington lost that battle to the French in 1754.
Mrs. Krabappel skims through a history textbook.
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh my gosh! Bart you're right. You showed applied knowledge! And given the obscurity of that battle, it is only fair to award you one point. That raises your grade to a 60, or D-.
Bart: [overjoyed] You mean I passed?
Mrs. Krabappel: Just barely.
(In order to get out of the test, Bart pretends to be ill)
Doctor: What's the matter, son?
Bart: Sharp pains, in my stomach.
Doctor: Oh, dear. I've heard of this. Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm?
Bart: Both arms, ma'am.
Doctor: Temporary loss of vision?
Bart: Who said that? Come closer.
Bart: I've got to study!
(He closes a door, grabs a candle, and goes downstairs. He opens the book.)
Bart: Chapter Six. Four days in Philadelphia, first... (reads the book, and has a dream with the picture)
Edna: Perhaps you like to tell us the NAME of the Pirate.
Bart: (thinking) Blackbeard, Captain Nemo, Captain Hook, Long John Silver, Peg Leg Pete Bluebeard. (speaks) Bluebeard.