- (While in the Flanders' bomb shelter)
- Marge: [checking her for the time] One more hour.
- Homer: An hour? I can't wait another hour. What's keeping that stupid comet?
- Bart: And you've never found anything?
- Seymour Skinner: Once. But by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kahoutek. I got back at him, though... him and that little boy of his. Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.
- Skinner: Look, there's 'The Three Wisemen'. (points to a constellation that looks like The Three Stooges)
- Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Er, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you all try to guess what it is. Ahem. (Makes some unidentifiable noise)
- Chief Wiggum: It's a pig!
- Bart: It's a cow, man.
- Lisa: It's a pony.
- Krusty the Clown: No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats.
- Selma: There are no lady goats! A lady goat is a sheep.
- Dr. Hibbert: I believe she's right.
- Otto: You're crazy.
- Captain McCallister: Arr, what's it to you?
- Otto: What's it to me?
- (Everyone starts arguing)
- Marge: Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart?
- (Everyone becomes quiet. Ned's singing can be heard in the distance)
- Marge: Say, Moe, was it a duck?
- (Everyone argues again)
- Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this any more. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you, especially his children. I'm going out there! (Pause) It was a baby ox.
- Moe: He's right you know.
- Principal Skinner: About the ox?
- Moe: About everything damn it! Hey Homer wait up, I wanna die too! :(Leaves the bomb shelter)
- Apu: If you are going, I am going.
- Barney: Me too!
- Principal Skinner: And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free science week ever, our grand finale: the launching of a weather balloon!
- Children: Yay!
- Bart: Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science, woo!
- Principal Skinner: [to himself] "Hurrah for science, woo"? I can't say I approve of the "woo" but the "hurrah" was quite heartening.
- (After Bart pulls the strings to release his message, while Skinner tries to stop it.)
- Bart: I don't think I really captured the eyes.
- Milhouse: Bart, if you have a failing, it's that you're always demanding perfection -- _if_ you have a failing.
- Skinner: Whoever brings down that balloon doesn't have to learn fractions!
- Children: Yay! [They start throwing at the ball, but hit Skinner's car.]
- Skinner: [Seeing his car] Uh, careful, children, that's my car.
- (Hearing this, Nelson and Jimbo throw rocks at Skinner's car for laughs)
- (Citizens of Springfield cram into Ned Flanders bomb shelter)
- Homer: I can't get the door closed. Somebody's going to have to get out.
- Lisa: I'd get out but I don't know where I am.
- Barney: Hey! Somebody's touching me.
- Principal Skinner: I am.
- Barney: (Cheering up) Oh, okay!
- Homer: Get out of there. My family needs to use your bomb shelter.
- Ned: I kind of figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families.
- Homer: No deal. Out.
- Marge: (she pushes him and she is sounding rather annoyed) Get in the shelter, Homer!
- Homer: So there's a comet. Big deal. It'll burn up in our atmosphere and whatever's left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head.
- Bart: Wow, dad. Maybe you're right.
- Homer: Of course I'm right. If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow.
- Moe: Let's go burn down the observatory, so this'll never happen again!
- Principal Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky]
- [two fighter planes fly overhead]
- Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now.
- [screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"; screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"]
- Pilot 1: Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane]
- Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care!
- Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask. [their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]
- Principal Skinner: Oh, it won't come down for months. Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen.
- Principal Skinner: I'm going to punish you for this, Bart... and it won't just be a simple caning this time. Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science. Yes... starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy, taking down measurements, carrying equipment, and so forth. 4:30 in the morning.
- Bart: There's a 4:30 in the morning now?
- DJ on Radio: Top of the hour, time for the morning news. But of course, there is no news yet. Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody.
- Kids: Welcome, Super Friend.
- Ham: I am called Ham, because I enjoy ham radio. This is Email, Cosine, Report Card, Database, and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos.
- Bart: [finishing a mouthful of food hurriedly] Well, I'm done eating. Goodbye.
- Kids: Goodbye, Cosmos.
- Email: Oh no, no, no, this isn't right at all!
- Database: It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed.
- Bart: Huh?
- Lisa: Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is going to collide with the Earth and every living thing in its path will be killed!
- Bart: I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa. You've always been petty and small, right from the beginning.
- Report Card: We must alert the proper authorities.
- Email: To the observatory!
- Grampa: Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years.
- Jasper: Tsk, tsk, tsk...trouble abrewing.
- Mayor Quimby: Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I caught the very next plane to Springfeld...field. [everyone claps politely] First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky, and yes, it is going to hit Springfield. [a couple of people clap] You don't need to applaud that.
- Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed.
- Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
- Reverend Lovejoy: [running down the street] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!
- (Ned stands on a hilltop, by himself singing)
- Ned: [singing] When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me:
- Everyone: [joining in] Que sera, sera, Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que sera ...
- Quimby: [while pointing at the comet] Run!
- Lisa: I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against burned up the comet.
- Bart: But what's really amazing, is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
- Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.
- Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too!