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- Lisa: No toupees.
- Homer: Whaaat, I'm going for the Shia LaBeouf thing. Not quite a nerd, not quite a hunk. Shia LaBeouf!
- Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
- Jim Jarmusch: I can eat a raw onion without crying.
- Homer: Oh yeah? Prove it, Hollywood!
- (Jim Jarmusch eats an onion and tears up)
- Homer: Hey, you're crying!
- Jim Jarmusch: Yes, but I'm crying about something else.
- Superintendent Chalmers: (about the Springfield Creative Arts School)The whole school is made up of modeling clay! Every afternoon, they re-shape it just to get my goat!
- (Narration during Nelson's documentary)
- Nelson: I like to cry at the ocean, because only there do my tears seem small.
- Marge: Thank God they're not jeering at us anymore.
- Homer: I know. (pause) Kinda miss it.
- Bart: I know! We'll be in another movie. And this time we'll act really bad!
- Marge: No more Simpsons movies! One was plenty.
- Marge: Call me old-fashioned, but I usually don't like movies that humiliate our family in front of the world.
- (After seeing Nelson's documentary)
- Man: Hey, Nelson! Say something poor!
- Homer: Robert Redford? Guess what. A scissor runs through it.