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Adventures in Baby-Getting
The Rich Texan: If you're gonna vote, we'll need some photo I.D.
: But I lived here all my life.
Homer The Rich Texan: Stopping all Americans from voting is for the protection of all Americans!
: But I'm a 40-year-old white guy who didn't go to college and gets all his news from monitors at gas stations.
Homer The Rich Texan: In you go.
: Otto Mann [seeing Bart, Lisa and Milhouse off the bus] Well if they're not taking the bus, neither am I! [exits the bus while it's still moving]
: I'm going to an accident!
: Marge Homer, I think I want another baby!
: An on purpose baby?
: Honey, I'm sorry. It's just that we have a hard enough time handling three kids. Emotionally, financially, the boy... I just didn't know how to tell you.
Homer : Just yell across the house like you do everything else.
Marge : Okay, good, we're talking.
Homer : We're not talking!
Marge : (Phones ringing) Your phone just dialed me.
Homer : You were pocket-dialed!
Marge : Hey, the pocket wants what it wants.
: Well, that's odd, because the consumer website says the RX-12 2 cylinder has a dealer's invoice of $14,700.
Marge Car Salesman: You know what, I'm gonna do? I'm gonna talk to my manager.
: This says you are the manager.
Marge Car Salesman: Those website are taking food out of my children's mouths.
: It says on your Facebook page, you have no kids.
Marge Car Salesman: I have 2 Yorkies and I'll be talking about you to them tonight!
: I gotta hand it to you Marge, you got the exact amount of car for our family. Room for two adults, three kids, and zero Homer Grampas.
Bart: What are you doing Tuesdays and Thursdays after school?
Lisa: What do you do Tuesdays and Thursdays after school?
Bart: Write stupid stuff on the chalkboard, and if you have any ideas, I'm really running out. Today's was "Mousetraps are not slippers" or something. Now what are you up to?
Lisa: A gentleman doesn't ask, and a lady doesn't tell.
Bart: Can I use that on the chalkboard?
Lisa: I guess.
Bart: [into a recorder] Gentleman doesn't ask, lady doesn't tell. [puts recorder away] Now all I need is one for Martin Luther King day.
Homer: [seeing all his sperm are dead] Oooh, Xs for eyes.
Marge: So you don't want another baby? How long have you felt this way?
Homer: Uh, well, looking back, I guess it started sometime before Bart was born.
Homer: [in his mind] Maybe there's no such thing as too many kids.
Marge: [in her mind] I know what Homer's thinking. He's thinking that he really wants another baby now, so this should be the time, ironically, that I'll change my mind and not want one. Well no way, I want one more than ever!
Homer: [arriving at the Uh-oh. I don't think I rewound the video the last time I was here.
Shelbyville Fertility Clinic]
Homer: Anything that's half- you is guaranteed 50% perfect.
[Homer approaches a couple who has selected his sperm sample]
Homer: I'd like to buy back my sample.
Woman: Are you saying our sample came from you?
Man: Here, it's yours; we don't need it!
Homer: I expect a little argument.
Man: No, no, no. Look in the mirror; that's your argument.
Homer: Geez, I mean I'm no Luis Guzman, but I'm all right.
Homer & Septuplets: D'oh!