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- Bart: From now on, I'm only eating food that I know had a soul.
- Homer: He's about to learn the most important lesson in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.
- Lisa: Dad, I'm sorry you're hurt, but you left me no choice. You were obnoxious at a level not even permitted in show business.
- Homer: Do you know the hours I worked? The people I had to yell at? The tires I had to slash?
- Lisa: No one asked you to yell and slash!
- Homer: It's called SCHMOOZING!!!
- Marge: (nervously) Bart, you want to go to the video arcade?
- Bart: (nervously) Hell, I'll even go shoe shopping. (both he and Marge run out of the car)
- Homer: (shouting) HEY! COME BACK! I'M CALMING DOWN!!! WE'LL HAVE FAMILY FUN! FAMILY FUN!!!
- Homer: We're going to write and sing our way out of this God-forsaken hell hole.
- Marge: But your song said you liked Springfield?
- Homer: I wrote it about Shelbyville, then changed the names.
- Homer: [to Lisa] The song I wrote for you is so schmaltzy it makes "Moon River" sound like a farting orangutan.
- (While Apu is being robbed)
- Apu: Call the police.
- Homer: I need change for a dollar.
- Apu: No change without purchase.
- Homer: What's the cheapest thing you've got.
- Apu: A 2-ounce pack of chips. $5.99.
- Homer: $5.99, what a rip-off! Someone should shoot you.
- Krusty: Every week, we eliminate one contestant based on the votes cast by you, the audience.
- TV Announcer: Disclaimer: All ballots were lost and vote totals made up.
- Lil' Starmaker Commercial Announcer: We're not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.
- Lisa: That's Cameron. Girls go crazy over him. He's cute, unthreatening, and his smile brought a puppy back to life.
- Ralph: A-B-C-D-E-F-G- (pauses) How I wonder what you are.
- Homer: [referring to an ear of corn] Interesting, it's like a corn dog without the dog.
- Homer: I don't miss meat at all, this portabello mushroom eats like a steak. A rubbery fungus-like steak.