|A Star is Burns||
- [The citizens of Springfield have a town meeting to discuss improving the town's image and attracting more tourism. Marge suggests hosting a film festival and having townspeople enter their own movies.]
- Mayor Quimby: All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea?
- Crowd: [chanting in unison] Film festival! Film festival!
- Marge: You like my idea? Actually, I have several others--
- Crowd: [in unison, cutting her off] Don't push your luck! Don't push your luck!
- [On TV, Rainier Wolfcastle is appearing on Coming Attractions, Jay Sherman's show. Wolfcastle talks about his new movie, McBain: Let's Get Silly, which depicts him as a comedian, alternating between telling bad jokes and dispatching hecklers (and many other audience members) with various weapons.]
- Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost eighty million dollars.
- Jay: [disgusted] How do you sleep at night?
- Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
- Jay: [even more disgusted] Just asking. Yeesh!
- [After reading Marge's invite, Jay Sherman is debating whether to travel to Springfield when Rainier Wolfacastle approaches him.]
- Wolfcastle: Sherman, I just realized you insulted me. [He pulls out a rifle]. Now you will die!
- Jay: Hey, nudnick... uh, your shoe's untied!
- Wolfcastle: From here they appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look anyway.
- [He bends over to examine his shoes.]
- Jay: Taxi! [A taxi pulls up and he gets inside. To the airport!
- [The taxi speeds off. Many hours pass until night falls.]
- Wolfcastle: On closer inspection, these are loafers.
- [At the airport, the Simpsons meet Jay Sherman, who has come to judge the Springfield Film Festival.]
- Marge: Hello, I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer.
- Jay: Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. [to Homer] And this must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.
- Homer: It was a Gummi Bear.
- [Preparing to make his movie for the film festival, Mr. Burns meets with Señor Spielbergo, his director.]
- Burns: Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
- Spielbergo: [looking doubtful] Er, Schindler es bueno. Señor Burns es el diablo.
- Burns: Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod: We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit! Now go out there and win me that festival!
- [At the Simpson house, Jay Sherman talks with Patty and Selma while Homer watches.]
- Patty: Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert.
- Selma: So tell us. Who's gay?
- Jay: Oh, I don't know ... Harvey Fierstein.
- Selma: No!
- Patty: Who else?
- [Homer whispers into Jay's ear.]
- Jay: Oh. MacGyver's gay.
- [Patty and Selma growl and advance on Jay, who cowers from them. Homer giggles.]
- [The scene shifts to outside. Jay has been stripped to his underwear and is dangling from the rain gutter by the waistband of his shorts.]
- Bart: [seeing Jay and laughing] You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you?
- Dr. Hibbert: [walking to the movies in drag, then seeing the film festival is being held] Oh, I thought they were showing The Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight.
- [At the film festival, Hans Moleman's film Man Getting Hit by Football has just been shown.]
- Homer: [laughing to the point of tears] This contest is over! Give that man the ten thousand dollars!
- Jay Sherman: [disapprovingly] This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.
- Homer: But ... the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels! [still laughing] Roll it again!
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?
- Smithers: Oh, no, sir. They're saying Boo-urns, Boo-urns.
- Burns: [to crowd] Are you saying 'boo' or 'Boo-urns'?
- Crowd: Boooooooooooo!
- Hans Moleman: [to himself] I was saying 'Boo-urns'.
- [The jury members are casting their votes for grand prize at the Springfield Film Festival. Jay Sherman is dismayed that Mr. Burns' movie is drawing votes.]
- Jay: How can you vote for Burns' movie?
- Krusty: Let's just say it moved me ... TO A BIGGER HOUSE! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
- [A remake of Hans Moleman's movie is an Academy Award contender.]
- George C. Scott: [on screen, getting hit by football] Ow! My groin!