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- Marge: Poor Ned. This is his first Jellyfish Festival alone.
- Homer: I know. And it doesn't get any easier from here. There's the Tongue Kiss Festival, Cinco de Ocho, the Hobo Oscars. Days just made for lovers. Not widowers, lovers!
- Sara Sloane: It's a nice change from the actors I date. All they want to talk about is their Botox, their Tae-Bo or their XBOX.
- Marge: Sara Sloan has been involved with every Tinseltown hunk from Affleck to Zmed.
- Bart: Yeah, she's had more stars on her than Lisa's homework. (snaps in Z-formation)
- Flanders: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie is turning into SpongeBob NoPants.
- Rainier Wolfcastle: Sara, Liebchen, take me back. If tears could burst through my muscular ducts I would cry like a baby who was just hit by a hammer.
- Sara: Rainier, you're too jealous. You beat up Jon Lovitz because he presented me an award.
- Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh, come on. No one misses a handshake that badly.
- Lisa: (to Sara) Miss Sloane, how are you handling the change from "La La Land" to "Blah Blah Land"?
- Marge: Lisa, Springfield isn't a cultural wasteland. Part of "Stroker Ace" was filmed at our airport.
- [During the women's bookclub]
- Marge: Today's book is "Bridget Jones's Diary." Now, let's go around the room and analyze why we didn't read it.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Cramps.
- Agnes Skinner: All my friends are dead.
- Flanders: Homer, Sara wants us to have S-E-X.
- Homer: Stupid Flanders, I'm not giving you any of my secret moves.
- Flanders: Well, I'm not sure I wanna do it. I mean, who will buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You know, the cow being me.
- Homer: Flanders, I'm always interested in talking about free milk and if there's cookies involved, so much the better.
- Homer: (hearing the Benny Hill chase music) Uh-oh. Here comes Helen Fielding.