- Troy: That's right, boys. Troy's back from the gutter, and he's brought someone with him!
- Parker: Troy! Mac Parker. Ever hear of...Planet of the Apes?
- Troy: Uh... the movie or the planet?
- Parker: The brand-new multi-million dollar musical, and you are starring...as the human.
- Troy: It's the part I was born to play, baby!
- Troy: My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water.
- Selma: Is this a sham marriage?
- Troy: Sure baby, is that a problemo?
- Selma: Come on Jub-Jub, lets go home and I'll heat you up a nice roach.
- (Jub-Jub Chirps)
- Troy: Think what it'll mean. Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance: "Smellin' of Troy"!
- Louie: Hey I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
- Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...
- Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.
- Troy: Hello, Selma Bouvier, It's Troy McClure. You might remember me from such dates as last night's dinner.
- Selma: Are you gay?
- Troy: Gay?! I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost. You see...
- Selma: Stop!
- Parker: Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.
- Troy: THOSE SICK FREAKS?!?
- Chief Wiggum: Oh! I'm seeing stars here!
- Troy: (to Chief Wiggum) No just one. Hi I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as "The Greatest Story Ever Hullaed" and "They Came to Burlge Carnegie Hall".
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