- Principal Skinner: Lord, give me guidance. Yes, the guidance room, the detention center. Thank you, Mrs. Lord.
- Bart: Lisa, they're gonna put a stink bomb in the school. I might be able to stop 'em, but I'll need a schematic of Jimbo's house.
- Lisa: Jimbo made a couple of drawings of his house in the second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy. The teacher gave him a frowny face.
- Milhouse: Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
- Lisa: I've read your letter.
- Principal Skinner: We've all read it.
- Apu: Oh my God, if a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby, and the baby puked, and a dog ate the puke, this smells like the rear end of that dog!
- Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they would have a tummy full of pocket garbage.
- (Marge frees Bart and kisses him)
- Marge: Oh, my special little guy! I'm so glad you're okay.
- (Homer kisses Bart)
- Homer: And I'm so glad you taste like hotdogs!
- Homer: (goes out of Kwik-E-Mart) Hey, Milhouse! What are you spying at? Those bullies?
- Lisa: I've got something! The sixth grade security camera shows three empty desks.
- Principal Skinner: Enhance!
- (Camera zooms in on desk with "Skinner Stinks" carved into it)
- Principal Skinner: Dehance! Dehance!
- Jack Bauer: Previously, on 24... I mean "The Simpsons".
- Jack Bauer: The following takes place between 2:34 p.m. and 3:04 p.m. Or maybe it's a.m. Whichever one is the morning one. It's not that one.
- Jack Bauer: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
- Bart: What? Who is this?
- Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
- Bart: Me? I'm... Ahmed Adoudi.
- Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoudi?
- Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adoudi, wealthy Saudi financier disappeared to Afghanistan in the late '90s.
- Jack Bauer: Really?
- Chloe O'Brian: No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up.
- Jack Bauer: Damn it!
- [Jack Bauer comes in by dropping in from an air vent]
- Jack Bauer: [in megaphone] Good work, Lisa!
- Bart: What about me?
- Jack Bauer: [aims his gun at Bart] Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago, you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in!
- [a group of units move into the gym and they level their guns at Bart, but Bauer puts his away]
- Jack Bauer: I pulled ever single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.
- [big explosion happens in the distance, and the crowd gasps]
- Jack Bauer: It's okay. That was Shelbyville.
- [everyone sighs with relief]