- Homer: Lisa, when you get to be our age, you learn a few things. Like when a sign says 'Do not feed the bears' (holds up his arm with a bear cub having its claws and teeth sunk into it) man, you better not feed the bears.
- Bart: Mrs Krabappel, I can't take the test, I have a stomach ache.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Well, that's a lame excuse for an excuse - Ha!
- Bart: Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a lot of trouble.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Read page six of the School Charter.
- Bart: No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies.
- Mrs. Krabappel: We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake.
- (Cut to Milhouse, who has been eaten by the school snake.)
- Milhouse: Hey, cool, there's a rabbit in here!
- Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
- Lisa: [Cries And Weeps] Oh, Dad! (she runs off crying and weeping again)
- Homer: Oh, I blew it again. What? [Maggie shuts Homer up with a pacifier and he makes sucking noises] Mmmmm...
- Krusty: It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan! If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor: PERCODAN?! Aw, crap!
- Grampa: Death stalks you at every turn!
- Lisa: Grampa!
- Grampa: Well, it does! [points at Maggie] Aaaahhh! Gah! There it is! DEATH!!!
- Lisa: It's only Maggie.
- Grampa: [chuckling] Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So...AAAAAHHHH!!!! DEATH!!! [points at Snowball II]
- Lisa: That's only the cat.
- Grampa: Oh. [points at Maggie again] AAAAAAHHHH!!!! DEATH!!!
- Lisa: That's Maggie again, Grampa.
- Grampa: Oh. Where were we. [points towards something, probably the door] AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! DEATH!!!
- Homer: Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. [rolls up his left sleeve] It preserves the things you love. [notices his tattoo] Starland Vocal Band? They suck!
- Grampa: [outside, still obsessed over death "stalking him", pointing at the bird bath] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! DEATH!!!
- Homer: And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog!
- Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery.
- Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Marge: What do you do, follow my husband around?
- Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
- (After Bart's surgery)
- Marge: How's my special little guy?
- Lisa: How're you feeling, big brother?
- (Maggie sucks on her pacifier)
- Homer: Aw, this is wonderful! You're alive!
- Bart: (hatefully) No thanks to you, Homer.
- Homer: Why, you little-- (chokes Bart for a while)
- Dr Hibbert: Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation.
- Homer: (moodily) All right.